My Journal (Part 2: Love Demands More)

Dear Diary,

Thanks for being there with me to discuss my Mann ki Baat. So, let me continue from where I left it yesterday.

I know how blessed I am to find such a loving and caring person in my life who puts me before him for all major and minor decisions in his life. It is reflected through his actions, not words. And when I see myself, unfortunately, I find myself doing injustice to that innocent loving kid who made “his Love”  the only mission of his life, i.e. me. Let me give you another example to explain it “How?”.

Today morning, having finished our breakfast and tea, he was getting ready for bath. He had already taken off his clothes and was wrapping his towel on his waist. He was just in his towel preparing himself to go for a bath. No doubt, his beautiful body always has that attraction which may make your eyes stop at him and you definitely would appreciate what you see.

Suddenly, I decided to take bath before him and I knew if I would request him, he would be happy and ask me to join him in the shower but would not allow me to go alone and bathe before him. And that’s exactly I wanted- take shower all alone before him. To take a shower together would again be just a sex-game between us and would consume a lot of our time.

I silently picked up my undie in my hand hiding it from him, and moved to him and started a random conversation to divert his attention while I approached him. He was just about to enter the bathroom so I had to stop him from doing that. What else could have been better to ask him a random question?

As soon as I reached there, I made sure that I stood in between him and the bathroom door and then suddenly pushed him away from the bathroom door and locked myself in. He was agitated, a little upset on this unexpected trick to keep him in dark. His reaction on my pushing him back was “What the Fcuk ! ….what was that… That’s not fair”. He was baffled and felt cheated by me.

He was pushed close to the bed where he had no option except to react on his losing situation with his arms stretched and asking for a justificaiton why did I do that. I locked myself in the bathroom saying, “I shall be back shortly darling”.

Now I realized there was a problem. I did not bring my towel. There was no time to pick up my towel. Further, it might have alerted him with my intentions. And I knew, he would not hand over a towel to me now. So, I had no option just to let my body dry a little and come out in undies. Droplets of water were running freely on my body. These drops cared the least if there was a small piece of cloth called underwear in between. My undie got wet in short time but I had no option.

When I opened the door, he was standing just outside to welcome me. Seeing my body almost wet, he smiled, and then un-wrapped his towel and started drying my body with his towel. While he was pat drying my body with his towel, he was standing in just his undies in front of me. His smooth chest was forcing me to embrace the appealing beauty in my arms. His muscular arms were busy in moving around my body and sometimes covering me in between. But he still refrained from crossing any limits I had imposed. He did not kiss me or embraced me.  His this very self-control has made me loose my self control now. Now I started missing his every loving, passionate hugging, embracing, cuddling etc. which were readily available earlier without any demand all the time. I was now habitual of getting that pampering, and love from him.

He bent a little and pulled down my wet undie and dried my genitals. He picked up my penis with his left index finger and thumb and then with the towel in his right hand cleaned and dried my balls and then penis. He got down on his knees and was almost facing my penis. He grabbed the balls and penis in left hand and then inserted his right index finger covered with his towel to the area between anus and balls and gently rubbed it a couple of times to dry it.

It stimulated all my organs and my penis started growing at quick pace. His face was so close to my genitals that it was almost touching it. He was probably smelling it but with my penis coming in full size, it started touching his lips. He did not move away. He did nothing. Now my hard-on penis was pressurisizing his lips. He still did nothing just kept his head at the same place where it was in constant touch with my penis at his lips and his warm breath was directly falling on my penis.

It was more than enough for me to tolerate. His kind attention, boosted my emotional level and I started feeling more and more intensified love for him. I pulled him up, took off his undie to free the giant kidnapped in his undies and grabbed him in my arms.

He too covered me in his muscular arms and we kept hugging each other in same pose for a long time. I closed my eyes and started feeling him around me. He was everywhere, in and out, front and back, left and right.  I started feeling myself surrounded by his love and passion in all directions. His heart-beats were racing at high speeds, and so were mine.

After some time, he broke the silence and said, “I want to tell you something.”

He paused after that. Probably he was waiting for my response.

“Hmm… yea.. tell… what’s that.. besides your tight boner pushing my boner away that makes us equal now.. “,  I said jokingly with a smile without opening my eyes or moving away from his grip or loosing my grip on him.

He continued, “You know… I love you more than anything else. But I am afriad you may find my request offending, so please don’t be angry with me even if you don’t like it. I have to tell you this because I might not have another chance after a few days to tell you this.”

He was sounding serious. His grip tightened on me. He did not want to let me go. Probably he was expecting it to be my reaction after hearing him. It was tight but comfortable grip.

“Okay baba ! Tell me. I won’t be angry. I too tightened my grip on him. I wanted to assure him of same compassion and love that he has for me.”, and then kissed on his ear near my mouth.

“See… please don’t take it otherwise. I am telling you this because probably this could be my last chance before we are parted away after a few weeks. God knows, if you would ever come back to my life or if I will have to spend rest of my life only with your sweet memories. ….”, There was again a pause after this.

He started massaging my back with his hands without moving away or interrupting the hugging pose, and said in a slow but steady voice, “I am longing for anal sex with you.”

He was straight forward, precise, and to the point. After this there was an uninterrupted silence in the room. He continued caressing my back with his hands doing slow and gentle massage.

His confession was a suprize for me. It caused me a little shock and got my eyes wide open. My grip around him loosened a bit. He sensed it and said, “I know … you might have felt awkward and probably offensive too. And I am not forcing it on you. I have no right to [do that]. I can never force anything against your will. But I could not manage to live without telling you my inner feelings. I am somehow feeling a desperate need to have that intimate bonding between us that will make me fulfilled and content with my only life partner – You.”

He paused for a moment and then continued, “I know it may not be easy for you to think about it. So, I am ready and open for it. You may penetrate me, if you like.”

I was not in a position to say anything. We kept hugging for a couple of moments and then I moved away from him. He probably understood my emotional condition and that is why he did not say a word. Nothing was coming to my mind so I was already silent.

But there are many after thoughts plaguing my mind. And all of the conclusions I draw from the analysis are converging to a single point – “Does he not have a right to share his desires and satisfy his sexual needs?” . He is honest and frank. Should he be suffering and remain unsatisfied just because I don’t like anal sex or not sexually so active as him.

Most of the times, in our companionship, it was relatively very rare when I was aggressive and dominating in sex. Most of the times I allowed him to do whatever he wanted to do. Mostly I am sexually not agitated easily. I don’t get sex drive or sex desire easily. That means, even if I allowed him to proceed in sexual acts with me to satisfy his sexual desires, I played mostly a passive role and most of the time he was doing something to me, without receiving an active response. That kills the enjoyment. But what can I do? I rarely get sexual desires. My sex drive is not so high.  When there is no sex drive, it does not interest me or it does not come to my mind “what to do” as an active partner.  All I did was to allow him to quench his thirst for sex as a friend. The sex was again mostly foreplay or kissing, smooching and sucking or shagging in recent past.

In short, I mostly kept him “thirsty” and might have left him unsatisfied. In these past 10 months or so, he would hardly have got a chance to be with an active sex partner not more than just a couple of times.

Now when we are almost at the verge of closing this chapter, and he expressed his inner feelings what is my responsibility?

Dear Diary, I have shared all the details with you from time to time. Now you tell me, what is my duty for this friendship and how should I take it forward. Can you?

Snippets from Personal Diary-2

(After the incident Immature and Childish, in continuation to first part published here).

[February 26th]

It has been more than 10 days since we are not talking to each other.

He is trying too hard, in different ways, to make it up but I don’t want to give him an easy rescue. He must be taught a proper lesson this time which he would not forget for a life time and will think twice before nibbling anyone’s nipples again.

Sometimes, when I come back from office, and I see him trying to please me, I feel pity on him. Am I being too hard on him? Was it such a big crime?

For initial two days, and two nights I had made a total cut off between us. I even did not allow him to touch me anytime. Although, I was now habitual of his pampering and cuddling with me before we sleep,  this separation was necessary to define the boundaries now.

It was not only him who could not sleep the first night. I was also feeling a bit un-easiness. There was something missing. That coziness was missing which became a routine when his body embrace my body.  That love and affection, that physical admiration, that compassion was missed which he made me feel every day and every night. But Priya, my new facebook friend had warned me to not to believe such perverts.  She also warned me that he will make all excuses and all stories to cover up the incident but I should be very careful in dealing with these things.

Second night, although it was hard to fall asleep without him, but I still managed to catch some sleep. I was tired and awake for two nights now. It was not that difficult to loose my control over my uneasiness.  But the strange part was that he was unable to sleep. He was also awake for 2 nights since this incident.  Today it was his third night too.

When I woke up @ 3 AM, I noticed him sitting on the other side of the bed, holding his head in his hands and seeing something amid the darkness of the room. Obviously, he was deeply troubled with something and was lost in his thoughts. He was left lonely again. It was a pity. I guess, I knew what could be troubling him.  I knew, I can make him feel calm, and make him fall asleep in a couple of minutes. I knew, he needed a hug from me and assurance. I knew I need to tell him, “Don’t worry ! I am with you.”,  but no, I could not say that to him.

I cannot forgive him, even if I am also missing him. He did a wrong thing and he needs to be taught a lesson.

---

 

[March 1st]

He is creative and innovative.

He knows how to grab my attention. It is more than two weeks now since we are not talking except something very important. Actually, it is me who is not talking. He had been trying to talk to me since the next day of that incident.

He had been apologizing in different ways. And now, even I feel like that it is unfair to him.  I am surprised why is he doing it? If I was him, I might not have given that much importance and definitely would not have followed to make up with my friend who is showing such an attitude.

But he is far more compassionate and better human than I am.

---

[March 5th]

Changing climate, or hormonal changes, don’t know what is it causing me a hard-on since last night. I have been trying my best to settle it down but this stubborn piece of me does not know to sit down calmly once agitated.

He is also probably aware of it too. He is passing smiles since morning seeing glimpses of hard-on popping out of my shorts.  I understand what his mischievous smiles mean.  I feel a bit awkward with the situation. It drains all the energy and draws all the attention to only one part of body when you get a hard-on.  I am unable to focus on anything.

I have been running quite a lot today to the toilet to empty my bladder frequently expecting probably it could help me get rid of tension in my private part. But it did not help. It helps temporarily for a very short period of time.

“He” also enjoying it a lot. He is not leaving a stone unturned today to make me feel miserable without him. As a matter of fact, this hard on and my sexual agitation is making me desperate for him. I really need him badly but I do not want to give him a chance to think that I may need him.

I tried diverting my attention away from my hard-on so that with attention away from it, it slowly comes to normal state, but it could not happen. I also tried sleeping in the after-noon on my stomach so that with pressure of my body, the flow of extra blood circulation may get controlled and my hard-on would slowly dissipate. But it went futile. Rather it got more adamant and I could not sleep even for a second. There was another reason to sleep on my stomach instead of sleeping on my back. I was feeling awkward with a popping out tent and pulsing out movements in my shorts, which were drawing un-due attention of my roomie.

We are not talking to each other. But he does not need to talk to leave his effect on me. His glance over my crotch when he passes by, is enough to draw attention of my sleeping penis.

When  I woke-up after a failed attempt to sleep in the afternoon, I saw him coming out of bathroom wrapped in a towel. His attractive smooth body, fueled the fire igniting my sexual desires which were already quite out of control since last night. His fair, toned flawless body and mesmerizing smile made me plead for his help. He was doing it deliberately. He was exploiting my weakness.

I quickly removed my eyes off his body. His charming body had already left its impact on me and my body parts. He tricked me again. He pulled off his towel wrapped around his waist and started actions of erotic pole dancer, a dance of a gigolo. It had an instant effect on my already hard-on penis to make it super-hard. Although I was not directly looking at him but I was able to notice his movements clearly. After pulling off his towel, he held it between his legs across his body and started dancing in Salman Khan’s style. He was only in his undies.

When I looked back at him, he started the gestures of erotic pole dance and passed me flying kisses and simultaneously pulled his ears and asked for my apologies once again. I could clearly read his lips saying “Sorry !”. His penis was also dancing in full swing with every flexible curly movement of his body. It was not difficult to notice his hard-on from his undies.

Not to mention, he had been innovative in putting the things creatively. His charm worked again and my hard-on was out of my control. His action, style of apology and dancing penis, along with my hard-on brought a wide smile on my lips. He started coming forward toward me, and I instantly moved my eyes away.

I did not want him to come close to me at this highly risky situation. My self-control was on test. All my efforts for last 14 days or so were at stake. All the hard-work I had done to make him learn a lesson and make him realize the severity of his actions was at the risk of loosing its significance with a small mistake from my side.

I have to control myself. I just don’t know how.

(To be continued…)

Immature and Childish

It was weekly off next day so we had some time to spend together for the only entertainment available to us in this closed room – watching movies. Getting up early next day was not a constraint for us.

He pulled me to rest my head on his shoulder and started playing with my hair. We both were watching movie on my laptop which was kept on a small table opposite to our bed.

“What are you watching?”, he asked.

“A friend shared it with me and asked to watch”, I gave him a short reply. I was busy in watching that streaming show and did not want any interruptions. I like his cuddling and hugging me, but sometimes tend to de-value the things which are rather easily available to us. His cuddling and caring nature has become a routine for me. It’s available in abundance to me. Naturally, it was not my priority at the moment. The movie show was and I wanted un-deviated attention.

I grabbed his hand in my right hand and pulled it down to my shoulder, over my chest.

It was a bigger mistake. It did not take me another moment to realize my mistake. Now his hand was over my more sensible part, Nipple. He is very well aware of my this shortfall. His fingers were probably aware of its favorite playground and started dancing automatically over my right nipple. One… Two.. and Three… Third rubbing was enough to send wake-up signals to the fighter sleeping down comfortably in my underwear. It came out of its deep sleep after stretching itself.

All my attention was diverted to my growing hard-on and his fingers on my nipples. I knew if I would ask him to stop, he wouldn’t. Rather he would find more naughty ways to do the things which I asked him to stop. The only wiser way could be to deviate his attention from what was currently running in his mind.

I grabbed his hand in my hand brought it to my mouth and kissed it. And then, I started telling him the plot of the serial I was watching. “This is a very interesting series. An online friend of mine shared the link with me and asked to see the complete series. This is the story of two friends ….blah blah blah… “, he kept hearing what all I was telling him. He usually pays full attention to what I said. That’s a good virtue of his personality as I know whatever I am saying is being paid attention to. He was looking at my face, and probably understood why I was telling him this long… elaborated version of the story as I saw intermittent smiles floating on his face.He kept looking on my face but I could not dare to look consistently in his eyes. His eyes were able to penetrate and find the truth easily.

He did not utter a single word, just kept hearing me patiently. His hand was still in my hand close to my mouth.After I finished telling him the plot of the serial,  I looked back at him. He was still looking at me. He smiled and gave me a peck.on my cheek, and then we started watching the serial together.

It was a gay themed serial. Although most of the parts were clean (no adult contents) but there were a few intrinsic scenes (very limited) between the two main male characters in the first 10 episodes we watched together. Those intrinsic scenes also may not be counted as the adult contents as it did not have any nude scenes.There was only half nudity on upper half body.

As soon as one of those intrinsic scenes started, his left hand reached my underwear. He slowly grabbed my penis and started massaging it gently. He was gentle and slow to avoid any over-flows (ejaculation). The scene was over after a couple of moments, but his massaging once started, did not stop.  From 10:30 in the night till 1:30 AM he continued rubbing and massaging my penis in different ways and strokes consistently till I finally decided to sleep. I tried taking his hand off but he was not willing to let it go. Neither did he sleep, nor he let my penis sleep.

Needless to say, I could hardly understand what happened on the screen of my laptop after 10:30 PM. I could not understand the episodes, the characters and their dialogs after his hand reached my penis. More I tried hard to move his hand off my penis or get myself out of his grip, more strongly he came back on me. It was clear to me that my such efforts will not only be useless rather may provoke him to go out of controls.

I was annoyed, frustrated. But it was not the time to discuss it. We have already had discussion on similar incident and the result was not favorable. He mostly controls his desires and respects my choices and preferences. I strongly believe that we should avoid expressing our concerns when we are at boiling point. An agitated state of mind does not let you see things clearly and is mostly damaging. My temperament was shooting much higher than the tolerance limits. His attitude had also shown that he was getting out of control and helpless to control his sex-drive tonight. I finally pulled his hand off forcibly, pushed him away and got up from bed quickly and moved towards the table where laptop was kept. I shut down the laptop and went to the bathroom to relieve myself.

When I came back, he was already laid on his side of bed and was waiting for me. He had taken off his T-shirt and shorts, and was only in his undies, as usual. I changed my expression to show him my unwillingness and unhappiness with his forced action on me. I wanted him to know that this was something that really pissed me off. I came back to my bed, and get laid on the bed facing away from him.

He cannot sleep unless he is touching me. He moved slowly toward me and started cuddling with me. I did not give him any response. But he was already in some other mood, probably under influence of high dose of adrenaline and testosterone, which were forcing him to think in only one direction.

He pulled me to to his side and made me lie straight on my back. I was reluctant to this and tried resisting him, but couldn’t succeed. He folded my T-Shirt and then inserted his hand inside my T-shirt to play with my nipples. To curb my increasing resistance, he seized me up in his firm grip.  The situation was turning ugly for me and my condition was more like a prey in Anaconda’s grip.

This rarely visible Avtaar of him was not unknown to me. I understood the gravity of the situation. I knew, I couldn’t win him over through force or violence.  He is physically stronger than me. His right hand fingers were now playing with my left nipple. His half arm was touching my body from chest to belly. My legs were captured in tight grip of his thighs. I tried to take his hand out but I failed miserably.  It only provoked him to apply more force to overcome my resistance.

My condition and helplessness made my eyes wet. I was not only helpless but also disappointed. Forced sex is never a pleasure. He was probably in full mood to do a lot more. He raised my T-shirt a little more to uncover my nipple and took the right nipple in his mouth. He sucked it twice and each time the intensity of suction was increased.  I tried to push him away, and this time he used his teeth instead of his lips on my nipple. It was painful. It was cruel.

The intense pain from his biting  got my hand free from his grip and I gave him a tight slap. The effect of slap was that he took his teeth off my nipple but he did not let my nipple come out of his lips. He started pressing my nipple with pressure of his lips. This was even more painful. A moment ago the same spot was bitten by his teeth and now he was pressuring it with his lips. I cried foul but it did not affect him at all. He continued chewing it vigorously.

The effect of my resistance was more damaging. He cuffed my both the hands with his left hand and then first he pulled down his own underwear with his right hand, and then mine too. He could not take off my underwear completely, but he pulled it down to my knees. And then he came on top of me.

He kissed me on my neck, and then on my cheek before he finally started moving his ass to rub his already hard cock against mine. He kept sliding it against my cock till it got fully erect and then he moved down to work back on my same nipple. Now his cock was in between my thighs and he was trying to rub it against my thighs and to push it in between the thighs. My legs and feet were locked in his grip. I was totally under his control from head to toes. He kept sucking my same nipple for a good deal of time, while locking me from top to bottom in his grip.

It was an ugly incident happening again, leaving behind very disgusted feelings and experience. I was feeling crushed, exploited, un-happy. I was feeling getting raped again.  Moreover, it was more damaging and disheartening, because this time it was not an unknown rapist. It was being done by the same person who had earlier saved me. It was the same person who was sensitive to my feelings and cared about my preferences more than his own. It was the same person who had been sacrificing his own preferences, his needs an his desires time and again,  in order to see a smile on my face.

It left me devastated, shocked !  Obviously, I was once again feeling lonely and lost in this world. I had lost my friend who was more than just a friend to me, a big brother and a trust-worthy partner. There was only an emptiness and hollowness left behind when he left me.

Next morning, was not like the earlier ones as it used to be till yesterday. There was an unbroken silence with me. This was the only thing available to me after a broken trust and partnership.

“What happened?”, he asked shaking my hair with his right hand and leaning over me to give me a good morning kiss. I was sitting on my side of bed with folded legs, surrounded with un-welcoming and un-pleasant thoughts and memories after last night’s incident.

I moved away my head to avoid any further touch of his body. My mind was surrounded with thoughts, and thoughts… and thoughts… all sort of thoughts and memories, still I had nothing to say. All my emotions, good or bad, and memories were running like water from my eyes.

“What Yaar  !….. you always act childish and immaturely in this matter? What is it now?”, his allegations were adding salt to the existing pepper. “What have I done now?”, he asked again. It was useless to tell him if he really did not know.

There were numerous attempts from him in different styles to bring me back to “normalcy”, but all in vain. It has been more than 5 days now, and we did not have a single word. I prefer to take dinner separately. Intentionally come late from office to avoid him and then get busy with my laptop.  He is still trying hard to patch-up with me. He still tends to touch a part of my body so that he can sleep, but now I don’t allow him at least anywhere above my knees to touch me even accidentally.

For first two nights, when I did not allow him to touch me at all, I could see he had problem in sleeping. He was uneasy whole night, and next day he was dull and lethargic. The second day it was worse. Finally we are sleeping in East-West directions, and he still ensures and tries his best that some part of his body whether his arm or his head or his hand somehow keeps touching my feet or lower leg during sleep.He still comes to know when this connectivity breaks and re-establishes the connection instantly.  I hesitantly allowed him this third night onward because I don’t want him to suffer at work or fall sick because of improper sleep.

My condition was not good either. It took me time to settle down emotionally. I am still recovering from the shock and set-back. I was shocked with his attitude. How could this person, who could not see a tear in my eye, cause me pain and enjoy it?  Was all his affection and love an emotional drama?  He never ignored my preferences or my likes and dislikes so far, then how could he ignore what he was doing to me was not making me feel good or actually was hurting me?  Does the need of sex make one go completely blind? On top of that his allegations “Immature and Childish”  were far from my capability to understand it. What act of mine was childish? When did I behave immaturely with him? I tried re-collecting all major incidents between us but could not find a clue where I acted childish? May be that I was biased and not able to see through the complete picture.

I pinged one of my online friends and asked his opinion. Surprisingly, his opinion was colliding with my roommate. Without even knowing about what actually happened, his straight forward answer was “What Childish act did you do again……….Sometimes, you really behave such.”

This online friend of mine, had been in regular touch through emails and chats, and had probably followed my eDiary in earlier stages of life between us. I believed that we had already established a good understanding of each other. But his reply not only made my scars fresh but also disappointed me to a great extent. He reflected a typical behavior of being judgemental. I am open to criticism, and try my best to analyze and act upon the identified improvement area. But this time, his comment were surreal. I asked him the basis of his reaching this conclusion. I asked him to justify his stand by letting me know when in our interactions so far, he had found my acts childish and immature? He simply could not.  Rather his reply to my objection was defensive, “I was joking and teasing you”.

Friends are needed during such times when we need their help and support. They play a very important role in the ups and downs of life. I was seeking that support at the very hour of need now. I cannot go to any of my non-online friends as I am not open to anyone. I am devastated  and all alone.

I am now, a newly born child.

Yes, I am immature and Childish once again.

The Villain

“Why are you looking so sad for a couple of days?”, asked my Roomie trying to cheer me up.

“Naah ! It’s nothing.”, I replied, trying to cover up the disappointment spread on my face, my attitude and my actions.

“Are Mom and Dad alright?”, he asked again, putting down the glass of water on the table he was sipping through.

“Yeaa..h. !   everything is fine. No issues buddy”, I responded with a fake smile this time.

By this time, he was standing right behind me. I felt his magnetic charm, when his arms embraced me from the back. His magical smell is always doing good cheer me up. He kept his chin on my shoulder and said, “Then… what is wrong?”

After a moment, he came forward and gave me a tight hug, and asked, “Why is my sweet heart looking so down for so many days? Did I do something to make you feel like this shit or are you feeling home-sickness?”

His magical touch has that healing effect that always brings life back on the dead. It worked for me, all the time. I needed it the most at this point in time. It was a huge psychological pressure I was going through, and it was killing me inside.

“I feel, I don’t deserve you.”, I busted. My head was on his shoulder and I was literally crying. Sometimes, it becomes out of control to bear such emotions, and impulses start flowing through tears. Although, I don’t like such things to happen with me in front of anyone. But, it happened, and in front of my Roomie.

He kept hugging me silently. And then, I felt his hand caressing my hair. There was a complete silence for a while. Then his voice echoed in my ears, “That’s absolutely right. You don’t deserve me at all. You deserve much better, actually you deserve the best.”

He parted me away from his chest, looked into my eyes which were all teary, wiped off the tears rolling out on my cheek and then said, “But tell me… how this thing came to your tiny mind all of a sudden?”, and patted on my head with a smile.

I asked him sobbingly, “You know, I am maintaining an online Diary about us?”

“Yes, … so?”, he was curious to know further. The tone of his voice and level of his curiosity was raised after hearing the word “online Diary”. He knew that I am maintaining this eDiary about us, but probably he was curious to know “how it made me cry ?”

I continued, “I love to interact with my readers. Their frank opinion and suggestions have been proven very helpful to me so far. That’s why I keep on collecting their inputs through various posts, polls or comments, and try to improve myself, wherever necessary.”

He was still looking at me. I continued, “Recently I requested inputs on a similar thread through my FB page. The request was made to my eDiary readers to caste their votes for a preferred choice between you (my Roomie) and me.  The results were astonishing!”

There was a smile floating on his face now.  That made me smile too. His smile is contagious, and it is the only thing I want to see all the time.

I continued, “It was not surprising to find that majority of my readers were on the side of my Roomie. They loved him, adored him, and had empathy with him. It was fine, and I liked it. Because my readers, were seeing him through my eyes. It was natural to have a similar feelings for him.”

“Then??  What is the issue?”, he was also surprised now.

“It was a little surprising to find out, that for some of my dear readers, I was the culprit. They portrayed me in the darkest shades of no less than that of a villain. That was something uneasy for me to digest. I got a few such feedback, where I was made to believe that I am a real villain, heart-less, emotion-less, self-centered and may be an opportunist.”, I replied.

“Aah ! So … you are blowing yourself off with these non-sense things? You are as dumb as those few fellas who gave you such inputs”, he attempted to make it a little bit of fun-filled environment. He wanted to cheer me up.

“My diary (this blog) is reflecting some of the important real life incidents between us. This also reflects our personality to some extent, my thought process, and value-system. In short, I have tried my best to stay as close as possible to the real life, whether it be any incident between us, or my thoughts on some arbitrary topic. If my readers, somehow, feel that I am a villain, a heartless, emotionless, self-centered, opportunist, it cannot be ignored in vain. There ought to be some rationale behind it.”, I opened my heart.

He went silent for a moment, and then asked me, “What could have made them believe that you are such a villain and that I am such an innocent, angel?”

He did not give me a chance to answer it. He explained it himself, “None of your readers personally know you. They haven’t even met me, your Roomie in real life. They met us through this eDiary, Right? “, and looked straight into my eyes for a confirmation. I nodded in confirmation.

“So, whatever they know about you or about me, has to come from your eDiary and their own value-system, that decides what is a good-value and what is a bad-value for them in their lives.”, he explained in easy to understand and with perfectly logical reasoning.

When almost everyone liked my roomie more than myself, it was actually a reflection of my love for my roomie, and not their own choice. That was true to a great extent. This was also true that when we love someone, we see all things positive in that loved one.  We might be influenced and biased sometimes. When we write about our love, we only create a sketch of him with all such positive things which influenced us, which might be far away from the reality.  But that’s how the love and emotions work. That’s why Love is blind.

“But preference of my roomie over me was never a problem for me.”, I said.

“The problem was with the ‘villain’ part.  People reading my eDiary are not related to him (my roomie) or to me. They ought to be honest. If the feedback is an honest feedback, I don’t really deserve an angel like you. I too strongly feel the same. I have seen many times how generous and loving you are to me and what the hell in return I offered to you? Absolutely nothing.”,  warm droplets of tears rolled out once again on my cheek when I finished the line.

“Hmmmm….. and ‘Who’ made them believe so with his ‘Creative’ writing skills?”, he asked with dancing eyebrows. “Tell me.. Who?”.

I got the gist what he was trying to explain, but my heart and my mind were not accepting it.  I have seen him going exceptionally beyond the rational limits for my happiness. I have seen him compromising on his needs and his desires, his preferences for a long time… all just for my happiness. I have seen him putting his life and career at risk to save my life, and that’s too when I always rejected him, and told him that he needs to behave reasonably and identify his limits. I had made him clear many times that I did not have similar “love” or feelings for him as he bears for me, but he did not think for a second to choose me before his own life.

And what in turn I had given to him? Just the Rules and Regulations and a list of terms and conditions, which were as restrictive as my mind in accepting him to be my life partner in initial time. He agreed to all without any reluctance. Had it not been that life-turning incident and a few of my online friends who guided me from time to time, and helped me see through the things clearly with an alternative perspective, I would not have been able to change my mindset. That proves that I was a villain, and also a self-centered person.

I was amid all these thoughts, and he probably caught the vibes that I am not fully satisfied with his last argument, he now explained to me and said, “We all see the things from our own perspective. We have limitations to see the things. Sometimes we strongly believe in ourselves that even the truth appears to be false because it does not fit on our prejudices or assumptions.”

He paused momentarily, and said, “You are no villain. Believe me. You are an innocent child from you heart, and gem of a person. I am not saying it to please you. Your honesty and simplicity attracts everyone, even if we ignore your charismatic personality and beauty that can attract even the blind people to you. “

“When you told me about your first crush during your school life, and also during visit to your home during Durga Puja, I noticed how everyone in your friend-circle was hovering around you all the time. Do you think only physical attraction is capable of producing that magical effect? Why the hell everyone feel so compelled to be with you and around you all the time? Do you think anyone would care and feel such an affection to a person who is self-centered, egoist or a villain? Naah !… “, he paused, took my hand in his hand, and then said, “It is your modesty and humbleness that you don’t give yourself a credit for it. It is your nature to value others more than yourself. And believe me, I rightly said, I really don’t deserve you. You deserve whatever is the best in this universe. But I am getting selfish here, and I feel really blessed that I got you.”

He continued, “You ARE beautiful, extremely beautiful. No doubt in that. Every inch of your body has that  heavenly beauty overflowing from it. I never felt that attraction for any male before seeing you. I have never seen such divine beauty earlier. I don’t feel attracted to any other males except you. But mere a glimpse of you when you first entered this room made me forget who I was and that I was in a relationship with a girl for 4 years. I was happy with her, and loved her company before seeing you. We were even planning for marriage. But that physical attraction in my girl-friend and all desires to settle down with her disappeared after I saw you for the first time. I could not take you out of mind for days, even though I fought hard and tried everything to keep myself away from you. That’s the charisma of your personality and your aura. You won’t ever realize it because it impacts others not you. The Sun does not know the virtues of its being the Sun. That’s the beauty of it. That’s is the selflessness. Let me tell you my little secret today. My biggest fear and insecurity is because of this thing. As I know that I don’t deserve you, I am afraid that you might leave me alone, for ever, someday. I cannot bear that mere thought of getting separated from you  even for a moment. The mere thought of getting separated from you  gives me shiver down my spine. I cannot imagine my life without you even for a moment.”

My hand was still in his hand, and he was massaging it intermittently with his fingers. His voice was very calm and deep. He was holding my hand firmly as if he was really afraid that I may run away from him. After this we both stood silent for a while, and I moved forward to hug him and then rested my head on his shoulder, which have always been there whenever I needed it for a support.

I could not digest completely what all he told me, especially his last few paragraphs. That may be his exaggerated reality or his personal views and opinion, which sounded like very biased and influenced to me. But after talking to him, I was feeling much better about “Villain” thing.

I still could not completely rule out those possibilities of “Selfishness” , “Self-Centered Person” and “Being Villain to my roommate than being a good friend to him”.

I, therefore, request my dear readers, who have gone through my eDiary, and various ups and downs of my love-life through various chapters of my this eDiary, to please share your candid feedback on it, which may help me find the improvement-area and help me to be a better person and more useful friend to my roommate.

The Monkey and The Donkey (Final)

He was perhaps waiting for this to happen. It did not take him a second and he took half of my penis in his mouth and kept swallowing all what it released very gently. He might have probably guessed the right time to take it in his mouth by sensing the stiffness and pre-climax motions of my penis because he did not allow even a single drop to be wasted. The vacuum created by his sucking was forcing more and more of my juices to flow through my penis, which he kept swallowing down his throat.

He was sucking it and probably enjoying it as he was not in a hurry. His eyes were closed. He was resting my penis on his finger tips, and rest of the things were being done by his tongue inside his mouth.

After a few minutes, when the vibrations of my penis reduced and overflow of juices stopped, he gently grabbed my penis from the base, and started pulling it out slowly but on the other end he was stretching it with his lips.  Woaaah !  It worked as a gentle massage, and any residuals left inside my foreskin might have now been cleaned. I felt the warmth and softness of his tongue when the inner part of my penis-head, without the foreskin might have touched his tongue after this stretching exercise.  I repeated it a couple of times.  I was feeling exhausted after this ejaculation. This orgasm was very deep rooted and touched every nerve of my body.

After he was done, he moved up, and reached my lips. I got the attention when his smooth body rubbed against mine, and his warm breath fall over my lips. He grabbed me in his arms and gave me a passionate kiss. I too started exploring his smooth shiny body with my hands around him.

Besides his this loving action, there was one more thing that drew my attention. It was his super-hard, thick penis which was rubbing against my belly. It was so hard, and abnormally thick that I could feel it even though he was wearing his undies. But, I was feeling sleepy after this session and wanted to sleep. He kept on kissing me on my cheeks, my ear-lobe, my chin and my neck. But it could not help him much. It made me feel myself in the company of a very compassionate, and caring person whom I love, and thus allowed me to go in a trusted-zone with the confidence and assurance to sleep calmly.

He probably guessed it correctly with slowing down motions of my hands which were exploring his body a little while ago and my eyes which were closed and motion-less.

He tried to wake me up and make me active once again with a nose-nudge. But I was feeling  totally like a drugged person, who was capable of receiving all signals but was unable to respond back.

Next thing I felt was a bit awkward. He grabbed my lower lip with his teeth and started pulling it away. What kind of kiss was that? Obviously, it was meant to draw my attention and awake me. Junglee!!! *the Wild beast*

Naturally, it was enough for me to open my eyes. I came out of the dead-zone, and he smiled. Then he sucked my lip which was in his mouth and with his other hand gave a squeeze to my penis and the balls.

After a moment, when he released my lip, I was looking at his face. I was mesmerized with his inner and outer beauty. His shiny eyes, cute and smiling face, pink lips. He was looking gorgeous.  He then grabbed my hand in his hand, moved it over to his under-wear, made me grab his cock and squeezed it through my hand.  He continued doing it through my hand a couple of times, and closed his eyes. Then he took my hand and inserted it inside his underwear. It was really a hard piece of rock. Heavy, thick and warm. His balls were competing with his thick and round shaped cock. His eyes were closed. When my hand touched his cock (I guess, it was for the first time),  I heard him moaning softly.

I understood his signal. Till now, he has been doing it to me all the time. I hardly ever reciprocated the favor back to him, not even jerking him to release his sexual energy. His sexual desires and needs are way too higher than mine. I am seeing it almost on daily basis, but I could not dare to reach his cock yet. He needed me, but I was never there for him.

He continued doing it through my hands with his eyes closed. Slowly his moaning started getting a little bit louder and deeper. His breathing pace increased.  I started massaging his back and his hips with my other hand and volunteered to give him what he wanted me to do. My hands kept massaging his cock at its own pace, matching with his moaning and his breathing frequency, and he slowly pulled his hand out of his underwear. It took some time, but he shot a huge load of sperm when he did it. I felt a bit uncomfortable when my hand was all wet with his sperm after he ejaculated.  I did not want to spoil his mood because of my such feelings, so I kept my hand as it was inside his underwear, holding his penis and his balls.

After he was done, he fell over me as if he was a dead meat. He embraced me tightly from top to bottom. His hands were wrapped around my head and lower part of my body was covered between his thighs. He kissed me one more time, and whispered near my ear, “I Love you more than anything, sweet heart. Never leave me alone!”

After a while, we got ourselves cleaned, took a bath (I forced him for it), changed our bed-sheet, and got laid on the bed for a good night sleep. As usual, he ensured that he was feeling me with him and some part of his body was touching mine all the time when we sleep.

An Unforgettable Experience

A Real Life incident, with positive outlook to incidents and the life..must read.

Food for Poetryy

Hello Dear Friends,

How is life going? I hopeit is goinggreat. With a little bit of upsides and downsides here and there but neverthelessfun.Today, would like to share with you all a very personal experience I had 16 days ago. The narrativemight sound regular but was powerful enough to change a part of me, so sharing with you all was my imperative.

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Alittle background first. I had been writing the 2nd stage of an important exam in December that spans across 6 days – 9 papers – 3 hours each . That also explains my less-frequent blogging recently. Well let us say the examis very important since I took a career break for an year to write this exam.

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Interestingly the day I am talking about, 7th December was one of the foggiest days Delhi winter has witnessed. Add to that the exam centre being 45 km away…

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