Immature and Childish

It was weekly off next day so we had some time to spend together for the only entertainment available to us in this closed room – watching movies. Getting up early next day was not a constraint for us.

He pulled me to rest my head on his shoulder and started playing with my hair. We both were watching movie on my laptop which was kept on a small table opposite to our bed.

“What are you watching?”, he asked.

“A friend shared it with me and asked to watch”, I gave him a short reply. I was busy in watching that streaming show and did not want any interruptions. I like his cuddling and hugging me, but sometimes tend to de-value the things which are rather easily available to us. His cuddling and caring nature has become a routine for me. It’s available in abundance to me. Naturally, it was not my priority at the moment. The movie show was and I wanted un-deviated attention.

I grabbed his hand in my right hand and pulled it down to my shoulder, over my chest.

It was a bigger mistake. It did not take me another moment to realize my mistake. Now his hand was over my more sensible part, Nipple. He is very well aware of my this shortfall. His fingers were probably aware of its favorite playground and started dancing automatically over my right nipple. One… Two.. and Three… Third rubbing was enough to send wake-up signals to the fighter sleeping down comfortably in my underwear. It came out of its deep sleep after stretching itself.

All my attention was diverted to my growing hard-on and his fingers on my nipples. I knew if I would ask him to stop, he wouldn’t. Rather he would find more naughty ways to do the things which I asked him to stop. The only wiser way could be to deviate his attention from what was currently running in his mind.

I grabbed his hand in my hand brought it to my mouth and kissed it. And then, I started telling him the plot of the serial I was watching. “This is a very interesting series. An online friend of mine shared the link with me and asked to see the complete series. This is the story of two friends ….blah blah blah… “, he kept hearing what all I was telling him. He usually pays full attention to what I said. That’s a good virtue of his personality as I know whatever I am saying is being paid attention to. He was looking at my face, and probably understood why I was telling him this long… elaborated version of the story as I saw intermittent smiles floating on his face.He kept looking on my face but I could not dare to look consistently in his eyes. His eyes were able to penetrate and find the truth easily.

He did not utter a single word, just kept hearing me patiently. His hand was still in my hand close to my mouth.After I finished telling him the plot of the serial,  I looked back at him. He was still looking at me. He smiled and gave me a peck.on my cheek, and then we started watching the serial together.

It was a gay themed serial. Although most of the parts were clean (no adult contents) but there were a few intrinsic scenes (very limited) between the two main male characters in the first 10 episodes we watched together. Those intrinsic scenes also may not be counted as the adult contents as it did not have any nude scenes.There was only half nudity on upper half body.

As soon as one of those intrinsic scenes started, his left hand reached my underwear. He slowly grabbed my penis and started massaging it gently. He was gentle and slow to avoid any over-flows (ejaculation). The scene was over after a couple of moments, but his massaging once started, did not stop.  From 10:30 in the night till 1:30 AM he continued rubbing and massaging my penis in different ways and strokes consistently till I finally decided to sleep. I tried taking his hand off but he was not willing to let it go. Neither did he sleep, nor he let my penis sleep.

Needless to say, I could hardly understand what happened on the screen of my laptop after 10:30 PM. I could not understand the episodes, the characters and their dialogs after his hand reached my penis. More I tried hard to move his hand off my penis or get myself out of his grip, more strongly he came back on me. It was clear to me that my such efforts will not only be useless rather may provoke him to go out of controls.

I was annoyed, frustrated. But it was not the time to discuss it. We have already had discussion on similar incident and the result was not favorable. He mostly controls his desires and respects my choices and preferences. I strongly believe that we should avoid expressing our concerns when we are at boiling point. An agitated state of mind does not let you see things clearly and is mostly damaging. My temperament was shooting much higher than the tolerance limits. His attitude had also shown that he was getting out of control and helpless to control his sex-drive tonight. I finally pulled his hand off forcibly, pushed him away and got up from bed quickly and moved towards the table where laptop was kept. I shut down the laptop and went to the bathroom to relieve myself.

When I came back, he was already laid on his side of bed and was waiting for me. He had taken off his T-shirt and shorts, and was only in his undies, as usual. I changed my expression to show him my unwillingness and unhappiness with his forced action on me. I wanted him to know that this was something that really pissed me off. I came back to my bed, and get laid on the bed facing away from him.

He cannot sleep unless he is touching me. He moved slowly toward me and started cuddling with me. I did not give him any response. But he was already in some other mood, probably under influence of high dose of adrenaline and testosterone, which were forcing him to think in only one direction.

He pulled me to to his side and made me lie straight on my back. I was reluctant to this and tried resisting him, but couldn’t succeed. He folded my T-Shirt and then inserted his hand inside my T-shirt to play with my nipples. To curb my increasing resistance, he seized me up in his firm grip.  The situation was turning ugly for me and my condition was more like a prey in Anaconda’s grip.

This rarely visible Avtaar of him was not unknown to me. I understood the gravity of the situation. I knew, I couldn’t win him over through force or violence.  He is physically stronger than me. His right hand fingers were now playing with my left nipple. His half arm was touching my body from chest to belly. My legs were captured in tight grip of his thighs. I tried to take his hand out but I failed miserably.  It only provoked him to apply more force to overcome my resistance.

My condition and helplessness made my eyes wet. I was not only helpless but also disappointed. Forced sex is never a pleasure. He was probably in full mood to do a lot more. He raised my T-shirt a little more to uncover my nipple and took the right nipple in his mouth. He sucked it twice and each time the intensity of suction was increased.  I tried to push him away, and this time he used his teeth instead of his lips on my nipple. It was painful. It was cruel.

The intense pain from his biting  got my hand free from his grip and I gave him a tight slap. The effect of slap was that he took his teeth off my nipple but he did not let my nipple come out of his lips. He started pressing my nipple with pressure of his lips. This was even more painful. A moment ago the same spot was bitten by his teeth and now he was pressuring it with his lips. I cried foul but it did not affect him at all. He continued chewing it vigorously.

The effect of my resistance was more damaging. He cuffed my both the hands with his left hand and then first he pulled down his own underwear with his right hand, and then mine too. He could not take off my underwear completely, but he pulled it down to my knees. And then he came on top of me.

He kissed me on my neck, and then on my cheek before he finally started moving his ass to rub his already hard cock against mine. He kept sliding it against my cock till it got fully erect and then he moved down to work back on my same nipple. Now his cock was in between my thighs and he was trying to rub it against my thighs and to push it in between the thighs. My legs and feet were locked in his grip. I was totally under his control from head to toes. He kept sucking my same nipple for a good deal of time, while locking me from top to bottom in his grip.

It was an ugly incident happening again, leaving behind very disgusted feelings and experience. I was feeling crushed, exploited, un-happy. I was feeling getting raped again.  Moreover, it was more damaging and disheartening, because this time it was not an unknown rapist. It was being done by the same person who had earlier saved me. It was the same person who was sensitive to my feelings and cared about my preferences more than his own. It was the same person who had been sacrificing his own preferences, his needs an his desires time and again,  in order to see a smile on my face.

It left me devastated, shocked !  Obviously, I was once again feeling lonely and lost in this world. I had lost my friend who was more than just a friend to me, a big brother and a trust-worthy partner. There was only an emptiness and hollowness left behind when he left me.

Next morning, was not like the earlier ones as it used to be till yesterday. There was an unbroken silence with me. This was the only thing available to me after a broken trust and partnership.

“What happened?”, he asked shaking my hair with his right hand and leaning over me to give me a good morning kiss. I was sitting on my side of bed with folded legs, surrounded with un-welcoming and un-pleasant thoughts and memories after last night’s incident.

I moved away my head to avoid any further touch of his body. My mind was surrounded with thoughts, and thoughts… and thoughts… all sort of thoughts and memories, still I had nothing to say. All my emotions, good or bad, and memories were running like water from my eyes.

“What Yaar  !….. you always act childish and immaturely in this matter? What is it now?”, his allegations were adding salt to the existing pepper. “What have I done now?”, he asked again. It was useless to tell him if he really did not know.

There were numerous attempts from him in different styles to bring me back to “normalcy”, but all in vain. It has been more than 5 days now, and we did not have a single word. I prefer to take dinner separately. Intentionally come late from office to avoid him and then get busy with my laptop.  He is still trying hard to patch-up with me. He still tends to touch a part of my body so that he can sleep, but now I don’t allow him at least anywhere above my knees to touch me even accidentally.

For first two nights, when I did not allow him to touch me at all, I could see he had problem in sleeping. He was uneasy whole night, and next day he was dull and lethargic. The second day it was worse. Finally we are sleeping in East-West directions, and he still ensures and tries his best that some part of his body whether his arm or his head or his hand somehow keeps touching my feet or lower leg during sleep.He still comes to know when this connectivity breaks and re-establishes the connection instantly.  I hesitantly allowed him this third night onward because I don’t want him to suffer at work or fall sick because of improper sleep.

My condition was not good either. It took me time to settle down emotionally. I am still recovering from the shock and set-back. I was shocked with his attitude. How could this person, who could not see a tear in my eye, cause me pain and enjoy it?  Was all his affection and love an emotional drama?  He never ignored my preferences or my likes and dislikes so far, then how could he ignore what he was doing to me was not making me feel good or actually was hurting me?  Does the need of sex make one go completely blind? On top of that his allegations “Immature and Childish”  were far from my capability to understand it. What act of mine was childish? When did I behave immaturely with him? I tried re-collecting all major incidents between us but could not find a clue where I acted childish? May be that I was biased and not able to see through the complete picture.

I pinged one of my online friends and asked his opinion. Surprisingly, his opinion was colliding with my roommate. Without even knowing about what actually happened, his straight forward answer was “What Childish act did you do again……….Sometimes, you really behave such.”

This online friend of mine, had been in regular touch through emails and chats, and had probably followed my eDiary in earlier stages of life between us. I believed that we had already established a good understanding of each other. But his reply not only made my scars fresh but also disappointed me to a great extent. He reflected a typical behavior of being judgemental. I am open to criticism, and try my best to analyze and act upon the identified improvement area. But this time, his comment were surreal. I asked him the basis of his reaching this conclusion. I asked him to justify his stand by letting me know when in our interactions so far, he had found my acts childish and immature? He simply could not.  Rather his reply to my objection was defensive, “I was joking and teasing you”.

Friends are needed during such times when we need their help and support. They play a very important role in the ups and downs of life. I was seeking that support at the very hour of need now. I cannot go to any of my non-online friends as I am not open to anyone. I am devastated  and all alone.

I am now, a newly born child.

Yes, I am immature and Childish once again.

First Crush (Part -2)

(Continued from previous post…)

As his constant movements were not allowing me to continue my work, I closed my laptop and moved to couch. There were two reasons, first, he couldn’t disturb me there as there was not enough space for two to accommodate. Second, I was feeling a bit tired and wanted to take a short nap, which was not possible with him being with me on the bed. This allowed me a chance to think on what he said about me.

I could not believe in what all he said about me. It was probably not all true. It might be a mix of his perception about me, his feelings for me and his wild imagination. He is also an emotional guy. When we are emotionally attached to an object (or a person), we usually tend to see the things in the color we prefer to see them, which may be far far away from the reality. Or, it may just be a case that he was flattering me to unearth some “elaborated” and “untold” truths of my past life.

But his flattering words about my “magnetic” personality gave me a reason to smile. I  normally don’t hear these kind of appreciations. It was embarrassing too. Someone told me that I was contagious. If that was true then it was like a virus, no good for anyone. I was being compared to a negative aspect of life. He might be honest, because usually frankness and truth are siblings. At least, in his expression of feelings for me, and his love for me, I could co-relate his words with his feelings for me and his affection for me. It was a very close match. That gave me a reason to dig deeper in my past, into my childhood and analyze it with a fresh perspective. I now need to see the past events from his perspective and find out if there was any truth in it.

“What happened? It’s okay if you are not comfortable in sharing your secrets with me. I cannot force you anyways.”, he jumped over me and shook me by my arm seeing no response from me for a while, and brought me out of all the thoughts I was lost in. I knew, it was not easy for him to leave me alone even for a moment, when he was around me.

I still did not say a thing. Neither did I open my eyes. It was my mistake. I forgot, that this may invite more troubles for me if I did not respond to him. Sometimes he behaves like a toddler. He wouldn’t leave me till I revert back to him or pay attention to him. He did exactly the same.

He started moving his butts up and down slowly, thereby rubbing his penis against my butts. It was already semi hard, which started getting harder with each movement. I couldn’t really understand why do I find his penis almost hard all the time, whenever I got a chance to feel it. I was also wondering if he is sexually hyper-active or a sex freak? Well… actually this should not be the case because, even though he is sexually aroused most of the times when he is with me, he refrained himself from crossing limits. He had been able to control his sex desires at the last moments, when even I lost all my control.

I turned on my side to get rid of him from this awkward pose.

And then he kissed me gently on my shoulder and whispered in my ears, “Hey Sexy ! Tell me naaa….  who was your first Crush? How was your first love experience? I want to know where do I stand in your life.”

His last words touched me deeply. His tone had turned into a serious note and lost its jovial nature while putting these words. It was not difficult to understand that probably  he was troubled with something while putting these words.

I grabbed his hand in my hand, which was wrapped around my chest, and then turned to him. He welcomed my move with a smile, but this time, it was fading away.  I looked into his eyes, and kissed him passionately, and then said, “Darling ! You are my only love of life so far. You are my first and the only crush. I am deeply in love with you.”

And, I noticed his glittering smile was back. His eyes started shining with the same confidence and naughtiness.

He kissed me back, hugged me tight, and said, “… but what about girls… I still want to hear all your childhood stories. I want to be part of your that life too.”

Don’t Fuel the Fire ! Ever!! (Part-1)

It was hard, and erect when I opened my eyes.

I am seeing a lot frequent morning erections now a days, almost everyday. I don’t know if it is because of better and soothing climate conditions in this monsoon season, or is it because of his body touching mine all the time and if that sensational touch of the body adds fuel to the fire.

He has made it a habit of embracing me all the time when we sleep. Even if we sleep in opposite sides, he makes sure that his body is constantly touching mine. I quite don’t understand if he really sleeps even for a single moment in whole night because it seems to me like he just keeps on feeling my body or keeps exploring it with his hands and skin. If, by any chance, there is a moment when our skins are not in direct contact, it is hardly a matter of 30 seconds and I start feeling his touch once again, most of the times, even more intensely.

I opened my eyes, adjusted the tent popping-out of my underwear, and then looked on my right side. It was a beautiful view of his silky smooth fair body which was illuminated by the morning sun-shine filtered through the window. His eyes were closed. I felt a strong urge to touch his body, and explore every inch of his shiny, glorious, smooth body with my hands. I don’t know if it was a result of already high sexual-hormone levels in me that were provoking me or if it was the effect of soothing and stimulating monsoon that was adding fuel to fire and giving me sexual arousal, but definitely the sensational touch of his body had a big role to stimulate my senses.

I turned towards him, and started playing around his left nipple. A smile started spreading on his cute face , as soon as my fingers started exploring his chest. He then slowly opened his eyes. I also noticed movements in his underwear where he moved his hand to control it. It was an instant reaction.

My act was probably unexpected surprize to him.He looked into my eyes with his attractive smile on his face. I grabbed his cute face in my hands and kissed him gently on his cheeks, and told him, “I Love you. Yes, I love you a lot“.

A few of my kind readers and online friends have suggested me that I am doing injustice to him, may be unknowingly. It has always been a one-one sided love for him so far. He hardly received his share of love and affection from me. Who don’t like to be pampered, cared and loved? He might also be feeling emptiness and might be quenching of his share of love from you. At times, it is also important to show your love and affection through your actions, which adds to the strength of the relationship and bonding between the two.

I agree with their advice. Similar thoughts were running in my mind too for a long time when he hinted me similar things in one of our discussions, discussed in this event, when he had said,

“….. I have always respected your will and your preferences over and above my needs and satisfaction. That’s why I could not proceed further last night even though I was sexually aroused, super horny and needed much more to satisfy my sexual needs.….”

It was not a favor to him. After a recent major incident in my life, (which I am not comfortable in sharing with anyone, not even with my Diary), I have been feeling deeply attached to him and strongly in love with him. He has proved himself to be my strength in my weak moments. He had shown what “Love” really means to him. And now I know, it is not just physical thing, but a true love kind of thing. This gave me a reason and responsibility of acknowledging his love and feelings for me and to surrender all my “if’s and but’s” in front of his love.

I was also feeling horny.  I glimpsed on his chest. His pink nipples appeared so juicy to me, and were giving me a direct invitation. His fair smooth body was all a perfect package complementing his inner beauty.

It was as perfect as his inner beauty, and love for me. I was feeling attracted to him and also deeply attached to him. His shiny beauty was fading away my discretionary capabilities.

(To be continued… Stay tuned for Concluding part (coming up shortly))

Q&A/FAQs

(Q&A Last updated on 29-Jun-2019 at 09:15 AM IST)

* Note : New updates/amendments are highlighted in different color of fonts.

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[Update 26-Nov-2018] :

A new menu added Thou Spoke! which has some threads of communication between Desi Munda (the author or the blog) and readers of this eDiary. Please follow the links on bottom of that page for individual threads of communication.

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“What is happening between you two guys?”
“Where have you been for so many days?”

“Why no posts?”

…… so many questions to be answered…!

It feels Good, motivating, and positive…when someone is there to hear you, or share your thoughts and feeling… ! Thank you, my dear readers, for showing your interest and following my blog.

A few kind-heart, loving readers are really concerned about our well-being, and their such small chit-chats, comments, emails etc. keep me motivated to come back to eDiary (this blog) and post here the recent updates.

When there is no active reader, (no response…no comments..etc. ) it does not make any difference whether I am updating my love-life on my regular diary or this eDiary. Both remain silent and just hear what I tell them. Rather it is hectic and require extra work to login and type it in here, which sometimes, I try to avoid if I am a bit tired. That’s why I am constantly requesting active participation from my audience in terms of comments, suggestions or any feedback.

This post is being published to answer some of the frequently asked questions from selective readers who are keenly interested in knowing my day to day life details. I have compiled it in Q&A format, as I was replying them through individual emails.

So, now proceeding by answering the questions which started this post… part of which has already been answered above !

Q. What does the term “Desi Munda” mean?

“Desi” and “Munda” are two words taken from North Indian languages. Desi is a word derived from ancient Sanskrit language, and popular in Hindi language too, and “Munda” here is taken from the Punjabi language. There may be other variants in different languages too but as I am a Punjabi Guy, (North Indian) I can co-related to the meaning known to me.

Desi [d̪eːsi] is a loose term for the people, cultures, and products of the Indian subcontinent or South Asia and their diaspora, derived from the Ancient Sanskrit देश (deśá or deshi), meaning Land or Country.  Desi is now, sometimes, used in context of someone or something that is “Original”, “close to roots”, “Pure”, “Without any adulteration” and “Non-artificial (non-synthetic)”,  as in “Desi Ghee”.

Munda means a Boy, specifically a young lad, in Punjabi.

So, the word Desi Munda (as in Desi Munda Says…), closely matches my role as an author of this auto-biography cum eDiary which has my thoughts, and some incidents from my love-life.

Q. Are you two real? I don’t believe you. It seems to be a fiction.

A. This (or something similar in different wordings) has become one of the most commonly asked questions by readers of my eDiary, and still keeps popping up every other day. That’s why I am highlighting it here and moving it on top of the list among all other questions.

I am thankful for your visit to my eDiary, and your curiosity reflects your interest in my eDiary and events listed. This is more like a reward for me as an author of this eDiary.

Now coming back to answer to this question, does it really matter? How? If you want to meet me (or him) in person, we are part of fiction for you, but still with you. If you don’t want to meet us, how does it really make a difference then? In any case, it is upto you as per your comfort level, to take it as a real life incidents or part of fiction, that suits your taste while enjoying your time on my eDiary.

Still not satisfied, read below…

It was so awkward for me initially when people kept asking me questions like this. But now I understand their concerns slowly. No one can expect such gifts and all-happiness in life. That’s not doubting me or questioning my eDiary.. they are questioning the life-rules!

People while reading these stories, tend to substitute themselves with characters of story and then start comparing. They find it too good to be true because in their life they find a hollowness. Least do they put a rational thinking and try to analyze it “why?”. They don’t realize it for a moment that this eDiary does not contain details of each and every moment spent between us.

There were bitter moments too. There were moments when we quarreled like enemies … like husband wife.. …like siblings… There were times when we did not talk with each other for days.. there were moments, when mostly I tortured him for childish and immature demands and expectations, and he could not fulfill them because of whatsoever reason or limitations.

There were moments when we were both upset and helpless when we saw our nest was headed to be destroyed even before it could have been built properly. We were helpless..frustrated! Life appeared to be ending without any hopes. But those things are not part of my memories collection on this eDiary. Why would it be there? Sadness and separation is everywhere! I don’t need another diary to remember those gruesome moments.

No doubt! he was gem of a person, and he had showered unconditional love on me all the time till we were together. That kind of love is really hard to find in this world. I truly feel obliged for it and thankful that I was blessed with his divine love. I really didn’t deserve him, probably that’s why nature has played it’s role to balance it.

The only purpose of maintaining this eDiary was keeping myself hopeful and lively in his memories… pleasant memories. Another reason why people find it too good to be true is that they see him from my eyes. Obviously, when they read me, they will only see him with shades of my love and affection for him.. why would he appear any less divine than he appears to me?

Q. Are you on Social Media, Facebook?

A. Yes, I am present there too. You can access it on Facebook here. But after so many issues with FaceBook privacy and recent password and data leaks, now I have almost stopped using it. I hardly ever use Facebook now, but the account is still active. I may even plan to delete it later!

	Desi’s presence in Virtual world (Click on links on the left)
Facebook Page	My Facebook page for my eDiary! (Now, I am not regular on FB)
Desi on Quora (English) Desi on Quora (Hindi)	My thoughts, my opinion on some of the topics or questions asked randomly by random people! If you want to know more about me as a person, my thoughts, please have a look. I am active in both Quora Hindi and English. The links to my Quora profile are given below: Quora Hindi Profile Quora English Profile
Desi @ Sarahah	For anonymous comments, suggestions or feedback (Don’t expect a reply back as I cannot track you to reply)
Desi’s Hindi Diary(Thoughts!)	A collection of my short thoughts, on various topics. It is a journal of my random thoughts.

Q. Where do I start on your eDiary?

A. Most of the posts on this eDiary are in continuation to previous posts. Some are extending in a series of multiple posts, where as others might be a smaller series ending in 2-3 sequential posts. If you want to follow the whole story from the very beginning, in chronological order, in proper sequence, you may start from TABLE OF CONTENTS (refer to Menu item with this name) and start following chapter by chapter as listed on table of contents.

If, interested in reading a particular series instead, and not the whole story from beginning, you may find such long stories (series) listed with different titles on the Series Homepage, titled as Desi’s Library on the menu.

Q. How are you two doing? Why is there a delay in publishing new posts?

With your kind blessings and good wishes to us, we both are doing good now. There were some incidents in recent past but we have managed to overcome them. My apologies for delay in publishing the posts. Delay is because I am hardly getting time only on weekends to publish new posts. So, the blog update frequency is now “Weekly” updates, mostly on weekends or on holidays. I apologize from my readers to keep them waiting for so long. I hope, I will continue getting same level of love and support from my blog readers as before.

[Update 08-Mar-2019 : Unfortunately, we got separated, but I am optimistic about finding him once again someday.]

Q. So…, you two are couple now. Who is husband and who is wife?

A. [Update Nov 12, 2016]  With your best wishes, and Almighty’s blessings, yes we accepted each-other as life partners (Nov 12, 2016). We are still 2, having individual identities and trying our best to become “1”.  Although, second part of question is not relevant here as of now, but to answer this I need to understand your criterion for defining the terms “Husband” and “Wife”.

Q. Which part of your body he is more attracted to?

A. Excuse me! ( … I would have preferred to skip this question if there was a possibility). I don’t know if he is interested in “parts” of me. What I feel is that he is more interested in me as a whole-piece and as a person and not in my body parts.

Q. OK. Let me re-phrase this question. Which body part of yours he is more sexually attached to?                                                                                                                                       (OR)

Q. Are you a top or bottom? What about him?

A. I don’t know about him. I don’t know about me either. We never had anything beyond kissing and smooching yet. It has always been restricted to  almost a sensual foreplay and seducing game only so far. He is kind enough to give due consideration to my preferences, my values and my wish (most of the times) during any sexual advancements. He has so far refrained himself from doing anything that I feel strongly repelled to.

Q. Do you love him? Do you find him sexually attractive?

A. Yes, I Love him. Sometimes, yes, I find him attractive too.

Q. Do you like to watch him completely nude?

A. As a matter of fact, No, I don’t. He looks better in clothes or at the least in his underwear.

Q. Have you touched his Penis?  Did you get a chance to fuck him (or vice-versa)? When are you two  planning to do it?

A. No, I have never touched his private parts (intentionally). I don’t like male to male fucking or anal sex, even in porn. It is a clear No-No for me, always.

[Update : 14-Jan-2018] : Yes, I have (touched his Penis).

Q. You started the story-line very well, and it was new and entertaining. But now your story is “stuck”. You should move forward and bring some action.

A. Thank you for your appreciation. I value your suggestions for improvement. But please try to understand it is not a porn-blog. This is my eDiary, which contains small incidents between me and my roommate from our day to day life. I try my best to be as honest as possible (to mention it as it actually happened in my life with my thought process at that moment) while I put them in this eDiary (blog). 

Q. Do you guys ever fight with each-other? It is all a fiction like love story full of sweetness and melodies.

A. Yes, we do. Everyone in life has sweet and sour experiences. There are conflicts too. You are seeing us as a happy couple, just like the ones in fairy tales, because that is how you want to see us (or probably your imaginary character in the story). Most of the times, the illustrative images, and your creative mind together make the things appear in more vibrant shades than what is actually portrayed by the author. It does not list all day to day routine or life events. It does not mean we do not have those gray shades in our life.

Q. I want to talk to you over phone / meet you in person.

A. I am sorry. I can’t help you with this. I cannot share any personal identifiable details or meet you in person. The reason is obvious. I believe you will also respect my concerns of privacy.

Q. Then, how can I communicate with you/reach you?

A. There are plenty of ways, if you want to reach me. Figure out which one best suits your requirements.

1. By putting Comments on the Post itself (the Best option, if you ask me!)
2. Using CONTACT ME form to send a direct message
3. By Submitting your feedback, suggestions or comments on the Short-Survey
4. Reaching me out on my Quora Profile (which provides a direct-message feature)

Q. Which one among these is the best option to communicate with you?

OR

How do I get your reply? OR
Why I do not get your reply back?

A. It depends purely upon context and needs of communication. If this is something related to a particular post on my eDiary, please use the Comments (Titled as “LEAVE A REPLY”) section on bottom of the page. It is the quickest way to get back to me.

If it is something unrelated to the post, (some other topic or a general query, suggestion or compliment etc.) or a response to one of matrimonial profiles listed on Gay-matrimony section, please use Contact Me form to reach me. You may also use it for sending personal messages, because unlike the comments, the messages sent by Contact Me form are private and do not get auto published publicly. This is for one-to-one direct message.

Please note, replies to your messages would be published on my eDiary itself, if necessary. For messages sent through Contact Me form, you may look Desi’s Reply section (check the menu item with same title), and for comments, you will get replies posted below your comment on same post. [I guess, if you are a registered user with an email, you also get notified of replies to your comment on your mailbox.]

Please check back after 24 hours, in most of the cases, it takes hardly a few hours to revert back. Please accept my apologies as I no longer use the email for communications with my readers on the eDiary because of privacy and security concerns.

Besides, you may also use the short Survey to share your inputs and feedback, along with your comments.

You may also reach me on Quora, links to my Quora profile are already given in my presence on social media question above.

Q. You are too young to be employed. At this age, how can you be employed,  without even completing your formal education at graduate level?

A. You are absolutely right. I am not employed. I am a student, working as an intern on fixed stipend per month with a one year break from my regular session.

[Update : 14-Jan-2018]: That internship project was over in June 2017. Currently I am completing my graduation studies back at my home town.

Q. What is your sexual orientation, are you Gay, Bi or….?

A. I was “confused”. With so many terms flipping everyday and so many changes I have seen in myself, I was totally confused on “Who am I ?” part.  Luckily, an online ex-reader of my eDiary (this blog) suggested me to let go of all “Labels” and give your time and attention to just “two of you” – to see what you want in your life. I followed his valuable advice. (Thank you, Dr. Love! for this valuable piece of advice.)

Initially, before meeting this roommate, I was confirmed that I was straight, and had never felt sexual attraction in men. Things started changing dramatically soon after I met him. Within the first three weeks, there were significant changes in my likes, my preferences etc. that even surprized me.  Although, in my own knowledge, I was still straight, but I was getting attracted to this roommate (not necessarily sexually). Slowly, I observed myself getting sexually aroused after one or two incidents as the time passed. This was happening only with him. I still could not create any interest in any other male bodies. Another online friend from Facebook gave me his expert opinion that either a person can be straight or he cannot be straight. So if you felt sexual attraction for him, close the chapter and be confirmed that you are not Straight. I took his advise and considering him as an expert on the subject, I started seeing myself as “non-straight”. I was still not able to understand why any other male bodies are not able to effect me. I tried seeing some gay porn too to check my identity and orientation. I still had no clue.

I was even confused, why the hell I don’t feel sexual attraction for this guy all the time? Some incidents between us caused me to feel repulsive and drift away from him. But again, Dr. Love (a nick name to one of my good online friends and reader) and some other readers of my blog gave me valuable inputs from their past experiences that made me see through the situation more clearly, and take corrective actions from my side. Slowly, I again started feeling good about him. I also noticed many times, that this sexual attraction grows or works only and only when I am emotionally attached to him. Stronger the emotional bonding, greater the chances of being sexually attracted to him. Further, it was always him who has to initiate the things, and ignite the fire in me to get sexually aroused.

Today (on August 15th, 2016), I came across a good article on internet and found a great level of similarities between my situation and the symptoms listed there. I feel, it fits almost 98% to my case, and thus clarified my doubts. Although, I am more than happy to avoid any labels now, and it really does not matter what you call it, but for some intellectuals, it is more important to label the water as “Water”, so that it can effectively quench their thirst. For them, I would like to be Labelled as Demisexual.

The article is a nice piece of information, for many others like me, who are undergoing similar situation in life to explore their identity. My advice to them is – forget about putting any labels to yourself…enjoy your life and try to understand what do you want in your life. You are not a “brand” after all which need a label. You are not a thing either. Still, it is nice thing to know that there are many others (although very low in numbers) like you and me. You may find this article here on this link.

DemiSexual: (http://demisexuality.org/articles/what-is-demisexuality/)

Note: I shall keep updating this post from time to time by adding more question here. Currently I have added only a small part of questions that were frequently asked to me by many readers.

Love is Love – Part 1

This incident is a bit old.. and untold, but worth mentioning it here so I decided to add it today.

After his wild and dominating display of love and affection during my bath time, I was literally scared of his new and unknown “Avataar”. That’s why I asked him next day why he behaved this way with me? He listened to me patiently and then replied. He was very calm, and clear. Initially I was upset with his response, but later my introspection made me realize, he was not wrong. This incident falls in the timeline after this discussion with him.

His reply kept my mind occupied whole day. That night, I once again started this topic with him. I was unsure of where “our” life is moving us?  What is “our” future etc.?

I like one more thing about him that he is a good listener. He pays attention to what I am talking to him. Although at times, he may appear to be in light mood and it may look like he is taking things lightly but actually he pays attention to all the concerns with due diligence. I am sure he would be very popular among his colleagues and they would really be very happy to work with such a fun-filled and jovial person.

That night, I was already in my bed when he joined me on the other side of bed. He slowly drifted towards me and started playing with my earlobe and then started moving his finger on my cheek. He usually starts with soft and sensual touch, which is extremely effective, at least to me. It gave me a tickling sensation.

He had been gradually and continually cultivating a new “understanding” between us. I was also not that much restrictive to him now, as I used to be some time back. I stopped objecting him on his every intimate touch to my body or cuddling with me.  He kept on increasing this on a steady pace till I accepted it whole-heartily as a normal routine of our life. Not even a single day passed when he allowed me to stay away from him. I got so used-to him being around me, specially during night, that it felt abnormal and uneasy to sleep if he is not hugging me or cuddling with me. He successfully managed to secure an indispensable place in my life, physically.

I did not respond back and flipped down. He moved on top of me and started licking my ear. His body was touching mine, from thighs to thighs, and his chest resting on my back. I could clearly feel his semi-hard crotch pressing against my hips with intermittent slow movements in that area. That made me smile at his presence of mind and naughtiness. It also evaporated the rage I was carrying for him for being so forceful to me last night. He always discovers new styles, which are hardly repeated ever. It not only keeps me intrigued in guessing what is going to happen next, but also makes it all a curious and fun activity.

 “Okay ! Stop it.“, I said with a smile while trying to flip myself on the bed. He got off my back and as soon as I turned upside he once again got on top of me, hugged me tightly and started kissing on my neck. I cannot tolerate tickling, and he knew it. Finally, I had to surrender to him, “Okay.. okay.. please stop it now“, I requested him out of bursts of laughter due to tickling sensation from his kisses.

When he saw, it is more than enough for me to handle and when he was satisfied, he got down. In a few moments, when I turned to him to talk, he hugged me tight and kept his lips on my chest. I was feeling his warm breath on my chest and his wet lips exploring my chest intermittently.

 

 “I’m sorry!….     for yesterday.“, he said in a soft tone, still covering me in his arms. I also covered him between my arm and chest. It was a token of my acceptance.

“Have you ever given it a serious thought… where are we heading to? What is our future?… I mean… you know I am not even comfortable with sexual advances between us and typically may never be comfortable with anal sex specifically. Do you think we can still maintain a healthy and happy relationship between us? What are your plans for our future… I mean, what will happen when I have to go back after 10 months to finish my studies and then probably we need to get separated for ever as we don’t know where our jobs will lead us to?“, I asked him. His kissing sequence paused when I started my chain of questions, but he was still hugging me in same pose.

He did not say a word. I wanted to get more of my queries answered and assurance. I asked him again, “I had already told you in the very beginning that I don’t like you the way you like me. I agree, that probably is not completely true now, but I still don’t feel the same way all the time. Specially, I am not sure if we will be able to satisfy each other sexually. It will not be acceptable to me if anyone of us has to look outside for our sexual needs. And then, on top of that, I am still not sure of my sexual orientation yet. I don’t know if I will be able to maintain that level of commitment in our relationship.“

When I finished, I just felt one more time his lips on my chest. There was still no answer to my queries. His lips were sticking to my chest at same point yet. Slowly, he moved his lips away, and I heard his soft voice reflecting from my chest. “I am very clear on my mind what I want. I just want you, dear. I have confirmed you many times, it is my feeling for you. You have no obligations to me.“,  He said.

He continued after a small pause, “Did I ever demand anything from you or put any restrictions on you? I know what I want and what I am doing. It is altogether a different story whether or not it is in my fate. You are not involved in it. You are free always to enjoy your life the way you want it or your parents want you to do. I am happy in seeing you happy. I assure you I won’t ever bother you in that case.“

There was a silence between us for a while. After some time, he kissed once again on my chest and came even closer to me and hugged me tightly and said, “Now, free your mind of all tensions, and relax. I will do as you want me to do. Have I ever done anything that might hurt you or go totally against your will?  I have always respected your will and your preferences over and above my needs and satisfaction. That’s why I could not proceed further last night even though I was sexually aroused, super horny and needed much more to satisfy my sexual needs. You can understand you are much more important for me than any other thing. It only needs a discharge and a hole..that can be done in grip of my hands too. There are other ways around to satisfy my sexual needs with in my limits but there is no way to see you unhappy. It hurts to me, but it is not your fault either. You still could not understand my love for you. I can never imagine anyone except you in my life.“

“Now, let us sleep, if you please allow me Sire ! we have to get up early in morning.“, he said and hugged me tightly once again. I could feel his chuckle and grinning smile with his lips once again touching my chest.

(Stay tuned for Concluding Part…)

Touch Therapy (Part-2)

(Continued from … Part 1)

I tried to cover up my leaking penis with my hand but he quickly hugged me tightly and grabbed me in his arms so that I could not move my hands down. Then he inserted his thighs in between my legs to make more room for what he was doing. He started pushing my hard, leaking penis and balls up with his thighs. Every movement of his thigh was now more effective and powerful. He made sure that he was not only touching and pressing the tip of my penis but also that he was able to press my balls gently. His head was resting on my chest close to my nipples but he did nothing there except a few gentle kisses intermittently. His all attention was on my penis and movement of his things.

In one or two thrusts, my penis was rock-hard and was continually leaking more liquid. The strange thing was I was not feeling exhausted, and that it was not limp even after it was leaking for a long time, as usually it happens after ejaculation (during masturbation).  I believe it was probably not a full ejaculation.

He then moved his hand from my chest, rested it on my navel and then played there with his fingers momentarily, and then grabbed my leaking penis and balls along with the wet underwear. I don’t know whether he was exploring the area with his hands or was trying to get hold of my hard penis along with my balls but it took him a few moments before he finally grabbed both and started squeezing it. I could not stop myself from moaning. There were no thoughts in my mind. There was no resistance either to what he was doing to me this time. The only thing I could sense and understand was warm touch of his body with my body and up and down motion of his thigh between my legs with his hand fondling with my balls and wet penis. His thigh was constantly touching and rubbing the sensitive area near my crotch.

I couldn’t understand what happened to my inner-conscience which always had been a barrier between us so far. It eloped! I didn’t understand where my shyness had disappeared that day. I wasn’t feeling shy at all when someone was touching my private parts. I wasn’t feeling repelled from him or his actions this time.

I too embraced him tightly. But after a few minutes of fondling with my leaking penis, he relieved it. He brought his hand wet with my leaked liquid, close to his nose, sniffed and then licked it. (eeeyaa.. ! Disgusting!!)

I was thinking of kissing him but after this act I dropped the idea.

He just kept on holding my hand, and his thigh movements started diminishing slowly. He rested his thigh on my penis. He kissed me twice on my chest and then rested his head on my chest. Probably, he was planning to sleep. I was still feeling intermittent pulses and jumping of his penis in his underwear which was pressing against my body. It was hard too. That means he had not ejaculated yet. Why the hell he stopped it then? My rock hard penis and balls were getting heavier… if it was not unloaded soon, it would start pain.

I was frustrated by this attitude. He had been doing it with me all the time. All the three times in the past, when he had seduced me, he charged me high, made my penis rock-hard and when I was desperate to unload, he left me hanging with a hard-on penis. This half-love-making was beyond my understanding. This charged, un-loaded penis later caused me terrific pain in my balls and around penis. It was clear to me now, that he was doing it intentionally.

I caressed his hair, and asked him “What happened? Why do you stop at the last moment? You have been very unfair to me in the past too. Why do you do this all the time? ”

 He looked at me in my eyes, and asked as an innocent child, “What have I done now?”

I complained, “KLPD (ask uncle Google, if you don’t know what is KLPD)! You have been very cruel to me and doing it all the time, intentionally. Why are you doing it to me? I suffer with pain later.”

When I finished my sentence, there were tears in his eyes. He moved up, took my head in his head and kissed on my forehead. I felt a warm drop of water falling close to my eyes when he got back. He said, “I am really sorry dear, you are right I have been cruel to you. You had to suffer pains because of me.” He paused momentarily. I could clearly see more tears rolling off his eyes. I had no idea that my words could actually hurt him so deep.

He continued, “Actually I did not intend to do it. It happened because of my stupidity. I was being too cautious on not going against your rules and prejudices. I did not want to do anything that may upset your mood.”

I wiped off his tears. My touch intensified his feelings and he hugged me tightly. I kept of repeating it and asking for my forgiveness in different phrases, “Sorry! Sorry my dear love. How can I be so stupid and self-centered that I caused you suffering? I am guilty.”

I caressed his hair while he was still hugging me, and then embraced him tightly and started moving my hand on his back to soothe him down. He has a smooth body, soft like a baby. A little later, I grabbed his left hand from back of my neck in my right hand and slid it through my underwear and made him grab my penis. Oh my God! His direct touch on my penis was so sensational for me to bear it. It instantly released a lot of adrenaline in my body. Feeling his hand inside my underwear and in direct touch of my balls and penis, made him go wild too. His fingers were now trying different games with my balls and penis.

He got up, kissed me on lips passionately and then slowly moved his head back in between my chest and belly while he continued caressing my penis and balls with his hand. He explored the full length of my penis with his hand and then reached the tip of it. He started exploring mouth of my penis with his index finger. It was a kind of tickling sensation for me which was sexually very provoking too. I realized for the first time how sensitive this small area is to human touch. My eyes got closed in ecstasy. I started moaning in very slow voice, and then I felt a bite on my left nipple. It made my penis jump even within captivity of his hand.  He noticed the signal and next he grabbed my nipple in his lips and pulled it off while his hands were still busy with my penis. He covered my balls with rest of his fingers and started squeezing in and out. My breathing pace was increasing and moaning became a little louder. He started jerking my penis, giving it in and out swings alternately. It did not take long when I finally unloaded and all his hand was terribly covered by it. He did not take his hand out, instead he just rested it there and slowly massaged my penis and my balls with my own sperm till it went limp in couple of minutes.

His hand was still there and he was covering me from penis to my chest, with his head lying on my mid chest. I closed my eyes as I was feeling sleepy. Last word I said to him was, “Thank You.”

He replied it with a kiss on my chest and rested his head on where he kissed me. I realized the power and effects to Human-Touch for the first time that I won’t be able to forget easily. The Touch Therapy could be an amazing tool if used properly.

After some time, when I regained my consciousness, I asked him, “BTW… why did you say you were self-centered? You were all thinking about me and trying it because you did not want to upset me. How does it make you self-centered?”

He looked back in my eyes, winked with a smile, and said, “I also wanted you to feel the similar pain and sufferings that I was undergoing for a long time when you did not allow me to proceed beyond certain limits of just kissing and smooching that’s too I had to force it on you sometimes. But believe me, I had absolutely no idea that it may cause you physical pain.”