A & R (Part-9: Practical vs Platonic Love)


Ritvik was deeply “touched” with caring and sensitive nature of his new roommate “Aniket”. Both of them enjoyed the dinner together. It was their first night stay together and a suitable time for them to know each other better.

Aniket noticed, Ritvik was blessed with a pleasant personality. He was simple yet stylish, attractive, soft-spoken but a bit shy. He did not talk much. Aniket had to throw the random topics to continue the conversations and have a lively session between them. Ritvik’s answers were short and precise.  He guessed it correctly, and got his idea confirmed during chit-chat with Ritvik that it was a very new experience for Ritvik. It was for the very first time that he had moved out of his parents house and was a little afraid of being all alone.

Aniket found that there was still a child full of innocence, emotions and simplicity somewhere hidden behind the young, tall, attractive lad who became his new roommate. This simplicity and childish innocence added a feel of sanctity and trust to his personality, and who would not fall for a lovely innocent kid captured in an attractive body of young teen? It was hard to defy the power of his charm which directly touched the heart and soul of most of the people. Human souls are prone to fall for such things which are pure, simple and pleasant. It was a hidden charm in his personality that touched everyone who came in contact of Ritvik and made them fall for him unknowingly.

Days passed, and both started liking each other. For Ritvik, his roommate Aniket was among one of his good friends now. Ritvik used to be the center of attraction among his friends and got special “priority” treatment all the time since his childhood. He was good in studies, with down-to-earth nature, friendly and cooperative. No doubt, his physical beauty was among one of the reasons to attract more and more people to him, but it was his basic nature that made most of them admire him and fall in love with him eventually. “To Love” was his nature. After moving to this city, all alone, he was terribly missing his friends. It was one of his worrisome fears to survive in a new place without his friends. His bouquet of friends was no less than a treasure to him. Being an emotional guy, he used to easily connect with people at emotional levels and loving them was a channel to allow free-flow of his emotional energy. Now, Aniket was filling up this void for him.  They both needed each other. For Ritvik, it was a need of a friend but for Aniket, Ritvik was becoming much more than just a “friend”.  The need to “find a little more” disappeared from Aniket’s life after meeting Ritvik. Now, there was no “more”, it was just “Ritvik”.

Aniket’s bonding with Ritvik was growing stronger day by day and within a week, he found it hard to keep his secret feelings from his love of life. He felt compelled to open up his heart and surrender to Ritvik.  Where there is honesty, in and out, nothing matters more than the truth and self-acceptance. It appeared as a crime to him to keep Ritvik in dark or to not to be honest with him about his feelings now. He was afraid of losing him as it would mean ending his life but love itself is “giving up”. It makes you learn to give up yourself, your happiness, your desires for happiness of your lover. Aniket realized how important was it to be honest in relationships and the very nature of Ritvik as also loudly about “the values” he believed in. It was becoming mandatory for Aniket to be honest about his feelings for Ritvik and not to keep him in dark. He got a chance to confess his love for Ritvik on his birthday and in very straight-forward and honest way, he expressed his feelings to him.

Although for Ritvik, he was just a “good” friend, but for Aniket, it was a different story. He needed “exclusive” rights over Ritivk.  He was becoming more and more possessive of Ritvik day by day. He many times felt the situation going out of his control and was felt insecure about his position. For Ritvik, it was just losing one of his friends at the worst case. For Aniket, it was losing everything in his life.

Aniket tried to control the impossible thing, his impulse to have physical intimacy and sex with Ritvik but failed miserably. Ritvik wanted it to be a platonic one. Here the frequencies of the two were not matching, which caused a lots of drifts and issues initially.  But slowly they both started understanding each other and changed their assumptions with time to settle down in a more soothing and enjoyable relationship. With the time, the reluctance was replaced with acceptance, the “I” was replaced with “we” and “me” was replaced with “You”, or “us” as applicable. This change happened from both the sides.  This helped them overcome the sourness of their relationship and they started feeling in love with each other.

Small and big incidents in life make the life turn into various shades but these also let you realize the value of the things which you don’t realize otherwise.  Within 6 months of their stay together, they both were lucky to realize the value of the loving partner in their lives. They were now unable to live without each-other. A new chapter of happiness was unfolding in their lives, but there was lot more to come.

 

 

 

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My Journal (Part 2: Love Demands More)


Dear Diary,

Thanks for being there with me to discuss my Mann ki Baat. So, let me continue from where I left it yesterday.

I know how blessed I am to find such a loving and caring person in my life who puts me before him for all major and minor decisions in his life. It is reflected through his actions, not words. And when I see myself, unfortunately, I find myself doing injustice to that innocent loving kid who made “his Love”  the only mission of his life, i.e. me. Let me give you another example to explain it “How?”.

Today morning, having finished our breakfast and tea, he was getting ready for bath. He had already taken off his clothes and was wrapping his towel on his waist. He was just in his towel preparing himself to go for a bath. No doubt, his beautiful body always has that attraction which may make your eyes stop at him and you definitely would appreciate what you see.

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Suddenly, I decided to take bath before him and I knew if I would request him, he would be happy and ask me to join him in the shower but would not allow me to go alone and bathe before him. And that’s exactly I wanted- take shower all alone before him. To take a shower together would again be just a sex-game between us and would consume a lot of our time.

I silently picked up my undie in my hand hiding it from him, and moved to him and started a random conversation to divert his attention while I approached him. He was just about to enter the bathroom so I had to stop him from doing that. What else could have been better to ask him a random question?

As soon as I reached there, I made sure that I stood in between him and the bathroom door and then suddenly pushed him away from the bathroom door and locked myself in. He was agitated, a little upset on this unexpected trick to keep him in dark. His reaction on my pushing him back was “What the Fcuk ! ….what was that… That’s not fair”. He was baffled and felt cheated by me.

Reaction

He was pushed close to the bed where he had no option except to react on his losing situation with his arms stretched and asking for a justificaiton why did I do that. I locked myself in the bathroom saying, “I shall be back shortly darling”.

Now I realized there was a problem. I did not bring my towel. There was no time to pick up my towel. Further, it might have alerted him with my intentions. And I knew, he would not hand over a towel to me now. So, I had no option just to let my body dry a little and come out in undies. Droplets of water were running freely on my body. These drops cared the least if there was a small piece of cloth called underwear in between. My undie got wet in short time but I had no option.

When I opened the door, he was standing just outside to welcome me. Seeing my body almost wet, he smiled, and then un-wrapped his towel and started drying my body with his towel. While he was pat drying my body with his towel, he was standing in just his undies in front of me. His smooth chest was forcing me to embrace the appealing beauty in my arms. His muscular arms were busy in moving around my body and sometimes covering me in between. But he still refrained from crossing any limits I had imposed. He did not kiss me or embraced me.  His this very self-control has made me loose my self control now. Now I started missing his every loving, passionate hugging, embracing, cuddling etc. which were readily available earlier without any demand all the time. I was now habitual of getting that pampering, and love from him.

wet

He bent a little and pulled down my wet undie and dried my genitals. He picked up my penis with his left index finger and thumb and then with the towel in his right hand cleaned and dried my balls and then penis. He got down on his knees and was almost facing my penis. He grabbed the balls and penis in left hand and then inserted his right index finger covered with his towel to the area between anus and balls and gently rubbed it a couple of times to dry it.

It stimulated all my organs and my penis started growing at quick pace. His face was so close to my genitals that it was almost touching it. He was probably smelling it but with my penis coming in full size, it started touching his lips. He did not move away. He did nothing. Now my hard-on penis was pressurisizing his lips. He still did nothing just kept his head at the same place where it was in constant touch with my penis at his lips and his warm breath was directly falling on my penis.

It was more than enough for me to tolerate. His kind attention, boosted my emotional level and I started feeling more and more intensified love for him. I pulled him up, took off his undie to free the giant kidnapped in his undies and grabbed him in my arms.

guys2

He too covered me in his muscular arms and we kept hugging each other in same pose for a long time. I closed my eyes and started feeling him around me. He was everywhere, in and out, front and back, left and right.  I started feeling myself surrounded by his love and passion in all directions. His heart-beats were racing at high speeds, and so were mine.

After some time, he broke the silence and said, “I want to tell you something.”

He paused after that. Probably he was waiting for my response.

“Hmm… yea.. tell… what’s that.. besides your tight boner pushing my boner away that makes us equal now.. “,  I said jokingly with a smile without opening my eyes or moving away from his grip or loosing my grip on him.

He continued, “You know… I love you more than anything else. But I am afriad you may find my request offending, so please don’t be angry with me even if you don’t like it. I have to tell you this because I might not have another chance after a few days to tell you this.”

He was sounding serious. His grip tightened on me. He did not want to let me go. Probably he was expecting it to be my reaction after hearing him. It was tight but comfortable grip.

“Okay baba ! Tell me. I won’t be angry. I too tightened my grip on him. I wanted to assure him of same compassion and love that he has for me.”, and then kissed on his ear near my mouth.

“See… please don’t take it otherwise. I am telling you this because probably this could be my last chance before we are parted away after a few weeks. God knows, if you would ever come back to my life or if I will have to spend rest of my life only with your sweet memories. ….”, There was again a pause after this.

He started massaging my back with his hands without moving away or interrupting the hugging pose, and said in a slow but steady voice, “I am longing for anal sex with you.”

He was straight forward, precise, and to the point. After this there was an uninterrupted silence in the room. He continued caressing my back with his hands doing slow and gentle massage.

His confession was a suprize for me. It caused me a little shock and got my eyes wide open. My grip around him loosened a bit. He sensed it and said, “I know … you might have felt awkward and probably offensive too. And I am not forcing it on you. I have no right to [do that]. I can never force anything against your will. But I could not manage to live without telling you my inner feelings. I am somehow feeling a desperate need to have that intimate bonding between us that will make me fulfilled and content with my only life partner – You.”

He paused for a moment and then continued, “I know it may not be easy for you to think about it. So, I am ready and open for it. You may penetrate me, if you like.”

I was not in a position to say anything. We kept hugging for a couple of moments and then I moved away from him. He probably understood my emotional condition and that is why he did not say a word. Nothing was coming to my mind so I was already silent.

But there are many after thoughts plaguing my mind. And all of the conclusions I draw from the analysis are converging to a single point – “Does he not have a right to share his desires and satisfy his sexual needs?” . He is honest and frank. Should he be suffering and remain unsatisfied just because I don’t like anal sex or not sexually so active as him.

Most of the times, in our companionship, it was relatively very rare when I was aggressive and dominating in sex. Most of the times I allowed him to do whatever he wanted to do. Mostly I am sexually not agitated easily. I don’t get sex drive or sex desire easily. That means, even if I allowed him to proceed in sexual acts with me to satisfy his sexual desires, I played mostly a passive role and most of the time he was doing something to me, without receiving an active response. That kills the enjoyment. But what can I do? I rarely get sexual desires. My sex drive is not so high.  When there is no sex drive, it does not interest me or it does not come to my mind “what to do” as an active partner.  All I did was to allow him to quench his thirst for sex as a friend. The sex was again mostly foreplay or kissing, smooching and sucking or shagging in recent past.

In short, I mostly kept him “thirsty” and might have left him unsatisfied. In these past 10 months or so, he would hardly have got a chance to be with an active sex partner not more than just a couple of times.

Now when we are almost at the verge of closing this chapter, and he expressed his inner feelings what is my responsibility?

Dear Diary, I have shared all the details with you from time to time. Now you tell me, what is my duty for this friendship and how should I take it forward. Can you?

Say Something…!


I was sitting in the office and working on my computer system, when my cellphone placed on my desk alerted me. This was the SMS alert tone I had reserved for my Roomie. I checked the message, it read – “I may nt come today 2 pick u up. Pls. manage.” It was 4 PM.

It was for the first time in this 4 months period after that terrifying and torturous incident that he was not coming to pick me up. It was unusual. He had given me strict instructions to wait for him, if he was busy or late, but not to travel alone or on my own. He had been accompanying me everywhere since then and never left me alone when stepping out of home. He did not want to risk my life again. It was a life-threatening situation after the incident. But now, it is an old story, and after more than 4 months, it should not require such high precautionary measures of safety.

I left office as per daily routine and reached home. I unlocked the apartment’s entrance using my keys. When I entered the apartment, I was surprised to see my Roomie resting on the bed, probably asleep.

“Hey Buddy ! You are home”, I asked in a surprise. He was early today, and taking rest. He is usually more active and energetic than I.  It was very unusual to find him passively lying on bed, that’s too at this time of the day. He is not passive even during bed-time when the whole world goes in the dreamland.

There was no response from him. He even did not give any reaction, as if he did not hear me. I went close to him after placing my laptop bag on the table. His eyes were closed. I guess, he was asleep.

I changed my clothes, and went on my side of bed. I was feeling a bit hungry so I had already taken a small bowl of Cornflakes with Milk and Sugar with me. I was feeling concerned for him and when I am in tension, I need something to eat. If there is something sweet, it helps. I took two sips from the bowl and then leaned over him to see how he was doing.

His face was still opposite to me. His eyes were still closed. His love and affection for me made his cute face look more attractive to me. I kept on staring him for a moment. Even I could not notice it, when my lips reached his cheek. It came to my notice that I was kissing him when his breathing pace changed with my kiss.

It alerted me. I made sure that I was kissing him very gently. I did not want to wake him up or disturb him, but I could not help myself from staying closer to him and watch him asleep.  After the kiss, when I got up, I once again looked at his cute and innocent face. I didn’t know what happened to me but I was not feeling satisfied and wanted to keep looking at him and pamper him. But I was afraid, he is sensitive to my touch and probably my smell too. I really did not want to disturb him.

I reverted back to my bed as I was loosing control over myself, and resumed consuming the cornflakes. After finishing it, when I placed the empty bowl on the table and got back to my semi-sitting pose,  I noticed slight movements in my Roomie. He turned his face toward me, opened his eyes momentarily, looked at me for a few moments and then closed his eyes once again.

I asked him, “Hey   ! Is everything alright? How are you feeling now?”. There was no response. I started pampering him and massaging his hair gently. I wanted to know if he was alright. His coming early from office, sleeping at this time, and not coming to pick me up was giving me signals that something might not be right with him. But he did not respond.

I stopped caressing his hair after a while and came back to my semi-sitting pose on my side of bed. If would not be appropriate to keep disturbing him if he was still feeling sleepy. I was busy in thinking all this and trying to figure out the reason of his “changed” behavior today, when he moved again.

He came close to me, and even closer and finally embraced me and kept his head on my lap. His eyes were still closed, and he was silent. His left arm was covering me from back and his right arm and hand was making a closed-grip to hold me locked in between his arms. His head was resting on my right thigh, top of his head was touching my penis and testicles. He was lying on his stomach and his face was toward me, with eyes still closed.

His touch broke my chain of thoughts, and I started caressing his hair again. But I did not ask him anything this time. There was a complete silence between us. I was worried and confused too. I was still trying to figure out what was the reason of this very strange behavior? He was motionless, but his grip around me was tight and rigid.

After some time, he moved his head a little up and kept it on my chest, just on the middle of my chest. His eyes were still closed and face was expression less. Till now I was sitting almost straight, but now I adjusted my pose a little down and bent a little to make it easier for his head to stay on my chest.

I stopped caressing his hair and started pampering him. I collected all my courage and asked him once again, “Are not you feeling hungry? Let’s have something to eat.”. It was now more than an hour and half since I came in and he had not taken anything in my presence. It was our dinner time anyways.

He just unlocked his hands and loosen his grip around me in response to my question, but did not say a word. I also did not want to take the dinner without him. On top of that, his behavior was enough to kill my hunger.

I was wearing the full-sleeve vest (thermal-wear). Around 10 minutes later, he opened his eyes, raised his head a bit above my chest, folded-up my vest to uncover my chest, and then placed his head back on my chest with his right cheek touching my chest, kissed once on the middle of my chest and closed his eyes once again. He tightened his grip once again, locking me in his arms. His grip around me was so tight which reminded me of my childhood, when I used to do it in a similar way to my Mom. I used to do it when I was afraid of loosing contact with her. Whenever she used to go for shopping leaving me behind,  I used to hug her tightly and used to hold her clothes (or whatever part of her came in my grip),  so that no one could separate us. He appeared doing same thing to me today. He did not look at my face while doing all this, nor did he utter a single word.

His exhaled breaths started lowering my body temperature quickly. It was already cold in the room as the room-heater was not turned on and part of my body was now un-covered, which started loosing heat really fast. I was partially sitting till now, but now I laid down straight on the bed to make it more comfortable for both of us. My body started reacting to the coldness by showing symptoms like intermittent small shivering and vibrations. After one or two such sensations, he moved his hand a little up and down without moving his head. He was probably trying to check if my body was getting cold. After a few moments of his inspection, he instantly got up, picked up both the blankets from other side of bed, covered us in it and made sure that I was completely covered within the blanket and then got back to same position.

We both slept in same pose throughout the night. The room lights could not be switched off. His head was on my chest and he was probably hearing rhythms of my heart-beats. His hands were covering me and trying to get hold of me from both sides. He did not do anything else whole night, no other action or movement or kissing etc. His grip around me was a little loosen intermittently when he might have fallen asleep but he kept on tightening it at small intervals, I guess, whenever he woke-up after small sessions.

This whole incident is making me anxious, and worried. He has stopped talking. He has not taken anything since night (although I took a small bowl of Cornflakes and milk last night). He is not preventing me or stopping me if I want to go somewhere or do anything, but has also not said a single word since night. He even did not do the “things” he used to do during our bed-time daily. I am not even aware of what is troubling him. That’s even more painful.

This post will be published automatically at the scheduled time as I have to leave for the official get-together on Christmas, and I am one of the organizers so I have to leave early in morning today to do all sort of arrangements. I hope and pray to the Almighty, when I return back, our life is also back on the normal happy track. After all, if it is a “Merry Christmas” for everyone, why should it not be Merrier for both of us?

Dingg Dongg !!!


He is now back to his old habits. Habit of cuddling with me, and embracing me all the time throughout the night. He has rather advanced a little more in his habits. Now he is not restricting himself to just touching me.

sleep2

I try to cover up the loss of sleep by waking up late in the morning than my usual time of 6:30 AM.  This winter season also does not permit to come out of coziness when our bodies are warming up each other inside the blanket. It feels good now in this winter season.

“Dingg … Dongg ” !   The door bell rang.

Usually our milk delivery boy puts the milk bags outside our apartment and alerts us by ringing the bell so that we pick it up from there. There is a risk of getting it consumed by stray cat or landlord’s pets.

“Dinngggg…    Dong… Ding …. Donnnng !!”, next round of door bell alerted us again after a short while.  It could not be the milk-delivery boy. He won’t wait for us to open the door. I tried to wake-up my roomie, who was embracing me tightly. He prefers to sleep totally nude and takes off my clothes as well in the bed. He enjoys it when our bodies are touching each other. I try to avoid being totally nude as I know where it would lead us, so I was sleeping in my underwear.

sleep3

“Hey ! …  please have a look who is there so early in the morning?”, I requested him to check the door.  Both of us were desperate to catch a few more moments of sleep as this is the best time to cover up the loss. He obliged me, got up reluctantly, kissed me, and said “Okay Darling!”.

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He picked up his underwear from the edge of the bed where he had dropped it last night before entering the blanket.

He unlocked the door and was just about to pull it to open when the bell rang again. “Ding …. Dong .. Ding Dong.. Ding”, this was third alert. The guest outside was getting impatient with this delay, and then I heard a familiar voice from outside, calling my name and then my Roomie’s name. The door was partially open by that time. It was my father. My roomie was welcoming him in just briefs. He did not get a chance to close the door again and get dressed.

He (my roomie) is intelligent, and understands how to control the situation without getting nervous or tensed with it. He welcomed my father in normal tone, did the “Charan Sparsh”, and said “What a pleasant surprise, Uncle! Where is Mom?”. Strange it is! He considers my mom as his “Mother” but my Dad is still “Uncle” to him.

Perhaps it is “abnormal” just for me to be seen in undie or bare-chested and that’s what makes me conscious and makes me feel nervous. It was probably not abnormal for a normal man like my roomie and my father to flaunt their body publicly. I would not be wrong to admit it that besides my roomie, there would hardly be just a few people who might have got a chance to get glimpses of my body – bare chested. Even my parents have never seen me half-naked.

“She is following. It is 3 rd floor, Son and it is not so easy for her to face so many steps on stairs.”, my father replied.  He then probably noticed him in just the briefs and said, “You were probably heading for a shower. Now I can understand why it took such a long time to open the door.”, he said while entering the room. My roomie rushed to get dressed and then ran outside, probably to get my Mom who was left behind.

As soon as I recognized my father’s voice, I ran into bathroom and locked myself in. I did not have chance to get dressed as it was already late for that. I did not want him to catch us both almost naked. It would have been a bigger surprise for him to find me with such a “Changed” mindset (after coming here) and to see both of us without clothes at the same time. I was catching the glimpses of the events through the almost closed bathroom door. I was looking for an opportunity so that I can hint my roomie to hand me over my clothes.

“Dad ! Is that you?”, I asked. I started the shower so as to give an impression from the noise of running water that I was bathing.

“Yes Son, your Mom and I thought of giving you a surprise visit.”,  he said with a smile. “Here she comes.”, he added. I opened the door partially to see outside, and found my mother entering the room holding the hand of my Roomie for a support. She was looking tired after going through such a laborious task of reaching third floor by stairs.

“Mom ! “, I screamed with happiness and excitement. I was still in the bathroom behind the door. She gave me a smile but was not in a condition to speak anything. Just then, my roomie did the “Charan Sparsh” to my Mom and gave her a hug. I could easily see the intensity of emotions on my Roomie’s face when he hugged the Mom. After a while, when they separated, my Mom gave her blessings to my roomie by kissing his forehead. He looked at me, smiled and winked. Perhaps, he was trying to make me feel jealous of him by pointing out that he got more importance and the right of being my “Elder brother”.

It was really a pleasant surprise to see my parents after such a long time, specially after the unpleasant turn of events and hot-debate between us when I left home after Durga Puja celebration.  Mom was looking a bit down in health since our last meeting. But it was just seeing her that filled me in with all the positive vibes and energy. I was so excited that I wanted to jump out and hug her, but I could not dare to do that. My roomie understood the situation, and handed me over washed clothes, and towel from the cupboard. I took a quick shower, and ran outside to meet my parents.

I was so stupid to not having asked my parents anything, not even the glass of water. I forgot to ask them if they would like to have a glass of water. I lost my mind, etiquette and control in over-excitement of meeting my Parents, specially my Mom. I wished to apologize her on my misbehaving last time.

After some time, when I emotionally settled down, I noticed my Roomie was missing. “Think of the Devil, and here comes the devil”- This proverb is so true, I realized it only when I saw him entering the room with some carry-bags in his hands. He had gone to make some arrangements for breakfast, and fruits. There was not much available with us in our room to offer to my parents except instant Noodles (Maggie) and some milk and bread in our bachelor’s den.

This proved once again, his maturity level, his caring attitude and his sensitivity is far more better than mine. His timely  action not only allowed me to have some personal moments in the company of my Parents, but also saved me from sheer embarrassment because of my stupidity.

My parents stayed with us for couple of hours, and then left for the venue where they had to attend the marriage ceremony in New Delhi. They asked both of us to join them in the marriage function so that we could spend some more time together, but I did not like the idea. The word “Marriage” in itself is enough to scare me off, after last fight with my Mom and emotional-tortures of the life I had gone through after returning from my home. I did not want to give another chance to raise this topic again so soon. I knew, if we would be together in a Marriage function, Mom would not be able to let go of the chance to discuss the marriage proposal with me once again.

 After my Parents left, I embraced my darling sweety-pie and kissed him gently on lips (actually I was trying to kiss on his cheek, but he grabbed it on lips). I am not good in showing off my feelings but I believe, just like many other hidden details of mine, he could understand my gratitude for all what he did for me and my parents today.

He too hugged me tightly, and I rested my head on his chest. He placed his chin on my head and we started dancing in slow motion, hugging each-other  like the dance in old movies.

The Decision


Sometimes, we are stuck in a quick-sand of thoughts. Our beliefs, our principles and our assumptions keep us pulling down. More we try to escape it, deeper we dive in. We get so tightly captured in this quick-sand that it becomes almost impossible to come out of it on our own. We need an “external source” to pull us out. A Source, which is free from the forces holding us down.

My Roomie had also assured me a couple of times, of loyal and life long commitment, but somehow I could not truly trust him on this. His words touched me, but they could not give me courage to move forward. I guess, hearing too much of break-up news among gays/sad stories of such relationships/sex and only sex oriented relationships in homosexuals was a primary reason to make me vary of it.

Luckily, I am blessed to have a few online friends, some of them are following my this eDiary, who shared their frank opinions about me, and my perspective towards life. Their words gave me that assurance and trust which was missing so far. I believed, it was based upon their life-experiences which was weighing in their words. Their opinion and suggestions worked as an “external source” and a life-line for me to pull me out of quick-sand of my thoughts.

That night I could not sleep. This was not only the Naked Truth which made me restless. There was another reason too. There was no touching or embracing from my Roomie after he returned from my home. He had lost the hopes of “us” being together and as did not want to any un-moral things to me who was supposedly going to marry someone else. He relinquished “his rights” on me for my to-be life partner.

I was trying to sleep on side pose, facing opposite to my roomie. “Why could he not be my life-partner?”, thought flashed as Lightning bolt in my mind. “Why?”

I turned back to him. He was also lying in side pose, opposite to me. I moved close to him to have a closer look on his face. I noticed for the first time in my life that it was the most beautiful and innocent face in front of me. Cute too. His eyes were closed. The tender of emotions hiding behind this face started flowing through me. I started feeling his grief on losing his love for someone else, his helplessness and his inability to win his love and his pain when he was unable in securing his position besides a sincere and honest effort. His all attempts were proven in vain and had no result so far (at least from his perspective) and there were no hopes left for future. I felt all this as if I was him and he was I. It was really a heart-wrenching emotional turmoil.

I felt a strong urge to hold him in my arms. It was not out of any act of mercy. It was because it was his right as my life partner. Had he not been a man (same sex), what else could I better get in a person as a life partner? He had already accepted me and sworn in to be committed and loyal to me as my life partner, and devoted his life in my name in the temple, in presence of the Almighty.

I embraced him softly and grabbed his hand in my hand. There was no response from his side. I remembered the God, and my Parents, and asked for their blessings for “us” and our lives, and then kissed softly on his cheek and then whispered in his ear…

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“With the grace of Almighty, I accept you as my spouse. Do you accept me, my love?”.

There was no movement from him for a couple of seconds, and then he opened his eyes, and slightly turned his face toward me in sheer disbelief, as if he was trying to ascertain that the unbelievable thing he just heard was not part of his dream.

I gave him a gentle kiss on his cheek as he turned his head to me. As soon as my lips touched his cheek, the same confident, the bright smile returned on his cute face, making it look more attractive.

kiss

He came on top of me, and shouted in a surprised tone, “Really?”. I was seeing this happiness on his face after a long gap, which had permanently disappeared after my Mom had hinted him about her plans for my marriage during our visit to my Home.

really

I hugged him tightly, and asked him again, “Do you accept me as your life partner and spouse? Will you be mine for ever?”

He looked into my eyes for a moment. His eyes were shining, just like his glorious face. And then he kissed me on lips passionately, and said, “Yes, for ever.”, and then we embraced each other, and I heard him saying, “This is ALL I wanted in my life. You gave me a life.”.

embraced

His voice was trembling, probably because of overflow of emotions which he was trying to control for a long time. Probably, his fasting for the Karwa Chauth had been effective and fruitful to his beliefs.

I had to make a decision and was required to take a bold step in my life. I was confused. I was nervous. I was scared, and was unable to come to this decision on my own.

I am now feeling happy that I made the correct choice, thanks to support of my online friends and readers of my eDiary. One of the valuable piece of advice is from Vaghun is given below.

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Trip to my Home (Part 9: Twisted Life)


(Continued from previous post on same thread…)

We started moving out of the room. My mom called me back in and advised me to set up a separate folding bed for him in the Den where he is not disturbed by anyone. She was concerned that he might be tired and he may not get proper rest in the dining hall which was serving as a common bedroom for almost 80% of guests. The major portion of crowd with kids were accommodated in this room only.

When I came out of the room, I saw my gang and roomie impatiently waiting for me. He grabbed my hand in his hand and asked , “What happened?”. He was concerned that I might have been scolded second time. I explained to him that Mom wanted me to set up a bed for his comfortable stay in a separate room.

bottle-gourd-lauki“Nooooo…. Wa…y…. !”, he said in an abnormal tone as if I was forcefully feeding him “Lauki ki Sabzji” (a dish made up of bottle-gourd). (BTW….We both hate it.. ! )  “Please don’t do it to me. I will sleep with you”, he insisted as a child and then he looked around and noticed that we were surrounded with public. He modified his sentence to control the damages, and said, “I don’t want to go in an isolated room. I will sleep where all you guys are going to sleep. Don’t put me in a jail. Please… !”, He was pleading for mercy as if he had been sentenced a life imprisonment.

“But that’s what Mom asked me to do…”, I said helplessly.

“I will talk to Mom”, he said,  and pulled me inside my Parent’s room with him. My mom was busy in counting some Pujan items. He knocked at the door to draw attention. Mom looked at us and hinted us to come in. After finishing her counting she looked at us, expecting us to tell her why we were there. She noticed that my roomie was holding my hand in his hand. I pulled my hand off. My roomie said, “Ma’m, I came to reques…”

Before he could complete his sentence, my Mom interrupted him and said, “Betaa (Son), come here.” She called both of us close to her. When we reached there she embraced both of us in her arms one by one and then kissed on our foreheads, first to my roomie and then to me, and said to my roomie, “Please don’t mind but you may call me ‘Aunty’ if you are not comfortable in calling me ‘Mom’. For me, you are my elder son. It is not just a formality. I mean it.”

He was quick to reply, “Sorry Mom ! It was a mistake on my part. I was a bit hesitant. I am thankful and feel blessed to be part of this loving and caring family.”, and gave her a hug. After a while, he came to his point and said politely, “Mom, I came to request you to please allow me to sleep with him . I know you are concerned about my comfortable stay and I truly appreciate that, but I don’t want to sleep in an isolated room separately from others. He was a bit hesitant to disobey you this time, so I have come to ask for your approval.”

My mom smiled, and said, “Both of you are my darling. It’s your home Puttar (Punjabi word for “Son”), you need not to be formal. Do what you like.”, and then she looked at me and said, “Sweetheart, I know you would not have done it if you could understand how much it would hurt his feelings. I just wanted you to realize what wrong you did and have a true repentance.  I want to see my Sons as human beings who are sensitive to humane needs and emotions, and that’s how we have been bringing you up. I don’t want to see you turning into an emotionless, self-centered person, who are no good to humanity. “

“Thank you, Mom, I know how much you love me. You need not to worry about anything Mom. I love you.”, I assured her as she was feeling bad after scolding. As far as I can remember, this was probably first time when she was being strict on me.

It was the first event when I got scolding for my elders. They never had been harsh or strict on me, and probably that’s why I never had to be afraid of anything from my parents. They were always more like a friend to me. Probably, that’s why there was never a need to hide anything or tell them a lie. Being honest and truthful is a “value” that I learned from my childhood in sweet company and guidance of my Parents. I believe that is why I hate liars and don’t like to lie with anyone. They believed in high values, and adopted it as a part of their life-style. It automatically got rooted in me since my childhood.

After we came outside, I turned to my Roomie and told him, “You are an idiot ! Don’t you know what you should say and what not? I know I did something very wrong to you, and I should not have done that, but I had already accepted it and apologized for it at the railway station. You had also accepted my apology and assured me to not to worry about it anymore.”

I noticed he was looking around to signal me presence of my Gang of buddies around me. It made me cautious. I turned to my friends and asked them, “Guys ! please excuse us for a minute. We need to talk in private. I took my roomie’s hand in my hand and pulled him to follow me. The only place where we two could probably find some privacy was roof-top.  I headed to the stairs and he quietly followed me.

When we reached on roof-terrace, luckily we were all alone there. I locked the door to stairs so that no one disturbs us further. Then I turned back to him, and said, “Now, speak up !”

He said nothing, just gave me a tight hug and kept me hugging the same way. And then after a short, while he kept hugging me, he said, “I did not say anything to Mom about you. How can I say something against my “Love”? She kept asking me repeatedly in different ways, why I did not come with you? My answers were varying as I was trying to hide the truth. She probably got some clues and understood the whole story on her own. It was her guess work.”

He might actually be right about my Mom. He understood her tricks in a short conversation where as I could not make it in 20+ years. She is smart enough to make 2 plus 2 count 4. “2”  she collected from me, another “2” she collected from my Roomie, and then it was a child’s play for her to manipulate the results accurately.

Till a few days back during our telephonic conversations with Mom, we both were sounding her very enthusiastic and positive to visit her. He (my roomie) had also shared a few plans for our trip to them, but then at the last moment, when I reached there alone, it was a big surprise for her. She was eagerly waiting to meet her new “elder son”, who won her trust and confidence to take care of her “other” son in her absence. Obviously, the “other” was now I who has been moved to “Second” status after introduction of my Roomie to my Parents.  This newly introduced “second” status for me, the Ex-King in the jungle, had been the biggest reason of my jealously to my Roomie. He was getting undue attention and love from my parents that was earlier showering all on me.  This Jealously played a big role in my evil-acts to deceive him and not to take him with me to my home in this trip.

Now my agitation started lowering down. But I acted the same way and asked him, “….And what about your promise? Did you even think for a second how tough it was for me to spend the whole day without you? You deliberately avoided to come here and see me. Is this your love? You left me all alone when I needed you the most.” I did not notice, when my sentiments took control over me and my voice started choking … the flood was uncontrollable so my eyes gave way to overflowing flooding water, and tears started rolling out. He was with me after a long time, and this was the moment I was miserably missing to be in his hands, engulfing him in my arms.

My hands moved automatically and embraced him tightly and started feeling his back. Hands were busy in ensuring that it was him by exploring each inch of his back which was out of my reach for such a long time and my heart was directly at par with his heart, both were sharing with each-other their stories and sufferings through their rhythmic songs. Now, I was a bit settled, and was able to speak again. I complained to him, “I thought that you loved me. But now I know, you didn’t.”

He was already hugging me. One of his hands, which was on my back till now, moved to my head and started caressing my hair. I heard him saying, “You won’t ever understand my true love for you. I don’t know how I can prove it to you.” With this last sentence, his voice also became heavy, and then he took my face in his hands and kissed on my lips.

assuringkiss

This was a life-saver kiss for me. I missed these juicy lips and this passionate kiss badly ever since I came here. The kiss resolved all my issues and past grudges between us. This Kiss made me feel calm and assured me of all sort of securities I needed. All of a sudden I was now not able to understand “why?” I was feeling so depressed and so uneasy till now. Was that effect of magical powers of his true “love” or  his “Kiss”? There was nothing left to complain, nothing to be explained. I got the assurance that he was back and that he was mine.

Noticing the inappropriate location and time (terrace), we parted away and then decided to go back. We both were happy after this short session which helped us resolve all conflicts.

When we reached downstairs, most of my buddies in the Gang were curiously waiting for us. They saw us stepping down holding hands in hand, and carrying a smile on our faces. Their wired look at our hands made me understand their concerns. But I deliberately did nothing to change it. It was a clear indication to my Gang, we have resolved all our conflicts and he need not be treated as a traitor in our Gang. Slowly, he started gaining acceptance by most of the gang buddies.

It was the only time available to him to get some rest as tonight whole night was planned for Jagran, so he wouldn’t be able to sleep. Now I was also hungry as I had avoided two meals since morning, and after I met with my love, my life, my Roomie, I started feeling hungry once again. He too just arrived a little while ago, so we headed to get something to eat now.

Now, my friend, “A” who was behaving like my shadow till now, and was accompanying me everywhere since I stepped into this city, was almost invisible. There were one or two incidents when I could just see a glimpses of him, but I felt that he avoided a direct contact with me. Whenever I saw him, he just turned away to other room or avoided the direction where I was standing with my roommate.  This kind of ignorance from the people you love, or who are in your close-nest is always hurtful. I could make a wild guess but wasn’t sure if my understanding was correct about why he was doing that to me.

I was concerned about “A”. It is not easy to find such good and caring friends. I went to “A”, and asked him, “Hey Buddy !  How are you doing?”

“A” replied, without looking at me, “me, fine. What’s up?”

There was a small silence.

Then “A” continued, “So, how are you doing now? You look better now…, energetic and happy.”

I replied, “Yes ! I am feeling much better now.”

“Yeah… I know. I noticed it after you met your Roommate.”, He mumbled.

It was in my own interest to not to go deeper or continue this conversation to avoid any conflicts of mutual interests. I was feeling utterly hungry, so I considered it better to switch the topic.  “Hey… !  I am feeling hungry now. Would you like joining us?”, I asked. And then immediately after finishing my sentence, I realized that I made a mistake.

“Naah ! I am okay. “, said “A” looking directly into my eyes. His eyes were emotionless, just like his short reply. His reply confirmed my suspicion of him not being okay with me and my Rommie together. Suddenly it clicked to my mind that he was accompanying me in every moment as my shadow. He had not taken meals without me in past two days.  “Did you take anything today?”, I asked.

“I am full.  You please enjoy it with your friend, he shall be waiting for you. He might also not have taken anything since morning.”, He suggested.

He was trying to avoid any direct eye contacts with me now. His answer was also not confirming that he had taken anything since morning. This was the same answer which I was giving to everyone when I was being forced to “take at least something” since morning and I wanted to avoid it. I understood, he is trying to confuse me with such wordings and I was sure that he also would not have taken anything knowing that I was not feeling well in morning and avoided my breakfast and lunch.

“Doesn’t matter. It’s already been quite a gap now since lunch break.”, I paused momentarily, and then continued, “You suggested it right, I want to enjoy it with my friend, …You, That’s why I am here. How can I enjoy without you?”

After finishing my sentence, I held his arm and pulled him to take him with me without waiting for his response. He was a bit reluctant initially, but then came along a bit hesitantly.

“A”, my Roomie, and I were taking meals together in the separate room, which was initially planned for comfortable stay of my Roomie by my Mom.  I saw my Mom, entering the room. She said, “I just came to see, if he took care of it (meals) or not. He tends to forget everything when he is surrounded with his friends.”

“Yes Mom. He is just like that.”, said my Roomie teasing me, and supporting my Mom’s point of views. That’s why probably he got so easily promoted to be my “elder” brother. When he called my “Mom” as Mom, “A”  who was just about to take a bite in his mouth, stopped, with a shocking expression on his face, and started staring at my Roomie with surprise. His mouth was still left open, with his arm holding the spoon in the same position. He looked first at my roomie, and then looked at me, and then back to my roomie with same expressions of surprise and shock on his face. And then, continued with his food waiting on the spoon he was holding which he was just about to take in mouth.

“Okay ! Yes, I see that. Now, I came to you guys to ask for a little help. He is so much into his friends that gave me the confidence that he will probably not argue with you guys and easily follow what you suggest him.”, Said my Mom.

And then she turned to my Roomie, and called him by his name, and said, “R (name of my Roomie) !, you are an intelligent guy. (Please) make him understand the importance of proper clothing. I want to see him well dressed for the function tonight. He doesn’t pay any attention to me on this. Probably now he will understand and follow it when you explain it to him.” After this she looked at the faces of “A” and my roomie to get the confirmation on importance of external appearance in our lives.

A neutral response from my roomie and my friend “A”,  prompted her to reveal the actual secret now. She further added, “You know, Mr. and Mrs. XXXX have specially come all the way from Canada to see him for their only daughter. That’s why we planned this event. And you know what..?… They look keenly interested too in accepting him as their son-in-law, but look at him. He has been wandering around in these shorts and T-shirt only whole day.He was not feeling well for the past two days since he came home. They have seen him just like this all the time. Tonight I want to see him well dressed and groomed. I don’t want that girl to reject him just because of his attire. She is born and brought up in Canada and may have higher expectations for her to-be-husband.”

Now I remember, when my father introduced me to Mrs. and Mr. XXXX when I arrived here, there was a young girl sleeping on the bed, which probably was their daughter for which they were interested in me. Now I could co-related the sweetness and love offered by them to me when I was introduced to them. It was all making sense now to me.

Having finished revealing her secret, now my Mom was looking at us with a big Smile on her face, and this was the time for the shock and surprise for all three of us, including me.

Smiles disappeared, faces doomed, and dull, and frozen posture – it was a common reaction from all three of us. My friend “A” and my Roomie, both turned to me with big questions in their eyes for which I had no answers. I could clearly see the “lack of trust” and disappointment in their eyes. Probably they were assuming me to be a stake-holder in it. And my roomie might have an additional solid reason to believe it now that I deliberately did not want to take him home with me to hide this “marriage” thing from him.

“Okay ! so now I leave this responsibility on you guys to get him ready for the show”, said my mom with a big smile, before leaving the room.

I was watching my Mom go out of room. When I turned back to face my friend “A” and my Roomie to explain the actual situation and that it was even a surprise for me which I just came to know at this very moment, both of them had already left the table and were already heading to exit the room together.