Say Something…!

I was sitting in the office and working on my computer system, when my cellphone placed on my desk alerted me. This was the SMS alert tone I had reserved for my Roomie. I checked the message, it read – “I may nt come today 2 pick u up. Pls. manage.” It was 4 PM.

It was for the first time in this 4 months period after that terrifying and torturous incident that he was not coming to pick me up. It was unusual. He had given me strict instructions to wait for him, if he was busy or late, but not to travel alone or on my own. He had been accompanying me everywhere since then and never left me alone when stepping out of home. He did not want to risk my life again. It was a life-threatening situation after the incident. But now, it is an old story, and after more than 4 months, it should not require such high precautionary measures of safety.

I left office as per daily routine and reached home. I unlocked the apartment’s entrance using my keys. When I entered the apartment, I was surprised to see my Roomie resting on the bed, probably asleep.

“Hey Buddy ! You are home”, I asked in a surprise. He was early today, and taking rest. He is usually more active and energetic than I.  It was very unusual to find him passively lying on bed, that’s too at this time of the day. He is not passive even during bed-time when the whole world goes in the dreamland.

There was no response from him. He even did not give any reaction, as if he did not hear me. I went close to him after placing my laptop bag on the table. His eyes were closed. I guess, he was asleep.

I changed my clothes, and went on my side of bed. I was feeling a bit hungry so I had already taken a small bowl of Cornflakes with Milk and Sugar with me. I was feeling concerned for him and when I am in tension, I need something to eat. If there is something sweet, it helps. I took two sips from the bowl and then leaned over him to see how he was doing.

His face was still opposite to me. His eyes were still closed. His love and affection for me made his cute face look more attractive to me. I kept on staring him for a moment. Even I could not notice it, when my lips reached his cheek. It came to my notice that I was kissing him when his breathing pace changed with my kiss.

It alerted me. I made sure that I was kissing him very gently. I did not want to wake him up or disturb him, but I could not help myself from staying closer to him and watch him asleep.  After the kiss, when I got up, I once again looked at his cute and innocent face. I didn’t know what happened to me but I was not feeling satisfied and wanted to keep looking at him and pamper him. But I was afraid, he is sensitive to my touch and probably my smell too. I really did not want to disturb him.

I reverted back to my bed as I was loosing control over myself, and resumed consuming the cornflakes. After finishing it, when I placed the empty bowl on the table and got back to my semi-sitting pose,  I noticed slight movements in my Roomie. He turned his face toward me, opened his eyes momentarily, looked at me for a few moments and then closed his eyes once again.

I asked him, “Hey   ! Is everything alright? How are you feeling now?”. There was no response. I started pampering him and massaging his hair gently. I wanted to know if he was alright. His coming early from office, sleeping at this time, and not coming to pick me up was giving me signals that something might not be right with him. But he did not respond.

I stopped caressing his hair after a while and came back to my semi-sitting pose on my side of bed. If would not be appropriate to keep disturbing him if he was still feeling sleepy. I was busy in thinking all this and trying to figure out the reason of his “changed” behavior today, when he moved again.

He came close to me, and even closer and finally embraced me and kept his head on my lap. His eyes were still closed, and he was silent. His left arm was covering me from back and his right arm and hand was making a closed-grip to hold me locked in between his arms. His head was resting on my right thigh, top of his head was touching my penis and testicles. He was lying on his stomach and his face was toward me, with eyes still closed.

His touch broke my chain of thoughts, and I started caressing his hair again. But I did not ask him anything this time. There was a complete silence between us. I was worried and confused too. I was still trying to figure out what was the reason of this very strange behavior? He was motionless, but his grip around me was tight and rigid.

After some time, he moved his head a little up and kept it on my chest, just on the middle of my chest. His eyes were still closed and face was expression less. Till now I was sitting almost straight, but now I adjusted my pose a little down and bent a little to make it easier for his head to stay on my chest.

I stopped caressing his hair and started pampering him. I collected all my courage and asked him once again, “Are not you feeling hungry? Let’s have something to eat.”. It was now more than an hour and half since I came in and he had not taken anything in my presence. It was our dinner time anyways.

He just unlocked his hands and loosen his grip around me in response to my question, but did not say a word. I also did not want to take the dinner without him. On top of that, his behavior was enough to kill my hunger.

I was wearing the full-sleeve vest (thermal-wear). Around 10 minutes later, he opened his eyes, raised his head a bit above my chest, folded-up my vest to uncover my chest, and then placed his head back on my chest with his right cheek touching my chest, kissed once on the middle of my chest and closed his eyes once again. He tightened his grip once again, locking me in his arms. His grip around me was so tight which reminded me of my childhood, when I used to do it in a similar way to my Mom. I used to do it when I was afraid of loosing contact with her. Whenever she used to go for shopping leaving me behind,  I used to hug her tightly and used to hold her clothes (or whatever part of her came in my grip),  so that no one could separate us. He appeared doing same thing to me today. He did not look at my face while doing all this, nor did he utter a single word.

His exhaled breaths started lowering my body temperature quickly. It was already cold in the room as the room-heater was not turned on and part of my body was now un-covered, which started loosing heat really fast. I was partially sitting till now, but now I laid down straight on the bed to make it more comfortable for both of us. My body started reacting to the coldness by showing symptoms like intermittent small shivering and vibrations. After one or two such sensations, he moved his hand a little up and down without moving his head. He was probably trying to check if my body was getting cold. After a few moments of his inspection, he instantly got up, picked up both the blankets from other side of bed, covered us in it and made sure that I was completely covered within the blanket and then got back to same position.

We both slept in same pose throughout the night. The room lights could not be switched off. His head was on my chest and he was probably hearing rhythms of my heart-beats. His hands were covering me and trying to get hold of me from both sides. He did not do anything else whole night, no other action or movement or kissing etc. His grip around me was a little loosen intermittently when he might have fallen asleep but he kept on tightening it at small intervals, I guess, whenever he woke-up after small sessions.

This whole incident is making me anxious, and worried. He has stopped talking. He has not taken anything since night (although I took a small bowl of Cornflakes and milk last night). He is not preventing me or stopping me if I want to go somewhere or do anything, but has also not said a single word since night. He even did not do the “things” he used to do during our bed-time daily. I am not even aware of what is troubling him. That’s even more painful.

This post will be published automatically at the scheduled time as I have to leave for the official get-together on Christmas, and I am one of the organizers so I have to leave early in morning today to do all sort of arrangements. I hope and pray to the Almighty, when I return back, our life is also back on the normal happy track. After all, if it is a “Merry Christmas” for everyone, why should it not be Merrier for both of us?

Needs (Part-1)

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“Hey ! Sweet-heart !!”, I hugged him from behind. He was standing near window, looking outside and probably lost in some deep thoughts. “What is bothering you? You don’t look happy.”


My touch pulled him out of his thoughts. He turned his head towards me, and tried to give me a faint smile to assure me that everything is fine.

“Are…..     you happy?”, he asked in reply to my question.

I was a bit surprised to hear it from him. Was he doubting me or my love and commitment to him? And then his question echoed in my mind.. “Am I really feeling happy?”. I could not get an instant answer from within to say “Yes” or “No”.

But besides any reservations for the honest answer, I had to convey him in positive tone. I needed to assure him of all possible support and love from my side.  I kissed on his cheek which was hardly a few inches away from my lips and tightened my grip around him to give him the confidence and a reason to trust on our relationship. I was just about to say “Yes! I am” but I got a little late.

The silence in itself is an answer sometimes.The delay in my answer was enough to serve as the answer.

“You need not to tell me.”, He said, “We need to be honest to ourselves.”

Perhaps he got the clue from the silence. There was a truth in his last statement. Every healthy relationship needs a solid foundation based upon the Truth and  the Trust. Honesty is still the best policy, no doubt. If you start wrong, you cannot reach right destination. Truth may be bitter, but it always bears positive results in the end.

(To be continued…)

Trip to my Home (Part 3: At Home)

(Continued from previous post…)

 As the train caught the speed, I made myself comfortable on my berth. It was getting late, and I was already feeling sleepy, so I decided to take a nap till the TTE comes for verification and ticket checking.

I tried too hard, but just could not sleep although I was feeling a bit relaxed now. I knew I was guilty for my acts but on top of that he gave me a reason to believe that he has forgiven me for my mis-doings. His personal and caring touch played all the strings in sweet melody in my heart deep inside.  Slowly, I couldn’t notice when I was lost in dreams’ land with my roomie.

At round 5:30 AM, I received a call on my mobile phone. It was my Mom. After all his beloved, only son, was coming home after a long gap of 5 months. It was the first time since I had ever been away from my parents for such a long time. I answered the call.

“Hello,  Betu (that means “darling son”) ! Good morning.”, It was sweet voice of my mom.

“Good morning, Mom”, I replied, trying to open my eyes.

“So…., your train is shortly arriving at XXXX (Station name of my home town). I know it would be too early to wake you up, but then I do not want to take chances. I called you to alert you so that you don’t miss your station while asleep.”, She said. I knew she (along with my father and all my friends) would be eagerly waiting for me.  She was tracking my train position through live system updates provided by Indian Railways.

“Thanks Mom.”, I said, while rubbing my eyes with other hand. “I was really in deep sleep and probably might have missed my station (destination) if you would not have woke me up. I could hardly manage to sleep a couple of hours ago.”

“I know darling, it is hard to get proper rest during journey. Don’t worry. BTW….your friends  YYYY, AAAA, and  WWWW (my childhood friends from my gang of buddies…) are coming to receive both of  you on the station. Actually they wanted to keep it a surprise but I thought of informing you just in case if they are little late, you don’t leave early without them.”, Said my caring and loving Mom.

“Mom, It’s only me. RRRR (name of my roomie) has not come with me.”, I clarified her. She was expecting him to be with me. He had been invited by my parents to visit them many times and is considered as a part of family.

“Why did you not bring him with yourself? Anyways, we will discuss it later when you are back home. You are hardly left a few minutes to get ready as your train would be approaching the platform.”, She sounded a little upset hearing that my roomie had not come with me.

The train arrived at the platform at its scheduled time. I picked up my luggage and de-boarded the coach. The trio (YYYY, AAAA, and WWWW) were already waiting for me outside my coach.  Seeing me coming out out of the coach, they literally jumped over me and embraced me tightly in their arms. After a few minutes of warm welcome,  some talks  about our gang, we started heading to my home on the car AAAA had brought to receive me.

On the way back to my home, there were lots of topics to chit chat. “How I managed to live there all alone” and “who all I missed the most?” were among some of frequently asked questions by all three of them in turn, in different wordings. In between all such discussions, I was still half-lost in remembering the moments of last night with my roomie. There all questions were “forcing me” think about him again and again in-directly.

Anyways, as a matter of fact, the last thing immediately before going in sleep is profoundly registered in sub-conscious mind, and last night I was thinking about “us” (my roomie and I) and the love and care he offered to me at different moments of our life together. It was hardly a few hours since we parted away, and I had already started missing him now.  His affection and love for me, his caring nature, his devotion to his love, and his everything started pulling my mind more towards him and even before I reached my home, I was already missing him a lot and wanted to go back to him at the earliest. Now I understood, why it is said, “Love is pain“.

(To be continued…)

Trip to my Home (Part 2)

(Continued from previous post…)

Surprised with this announcement I headed towards the Platform #1 Enquiry counter. When I reached there, I could not find my roomie anywhere near the counter.

A young lady was sitting inside the chamber, close to the Mic through which she was doing announcements.

“Excuse me, Ma’m”, I tried to interrupt her in between her sequence of announcements.

She gave me a frowning look, and asked, “Yes?”

“My name is XXXX (my name). There was an announcement for me a couple of minutes back and I was asked to meet someone near this announcement counter. I do not see that person here. Could you please let me where has that person gone?”, I was not expecting any reasonable answer from her, but she was the last hope for me to get any leads for moving forward.

“Sir, I only read from the text that is given to me. I don’t keep track of people who give me those slips.”, She replied in a harsh tone. This was very much expected from a Government Employee in India. I started looking around to see if he was somewhere close to this counter, but unfortunately could not find him. Then it clicked in my mind that I have a device called “Mobile Phone”.

I popped out the handset from right pocket of my Capri, and noticed that there were two alerts. I had missed 2 calls from my roomie around half-an hour back and one SMS text was pending for my review. I opened the message and it was a short text that read like “Wait ! I am coming.” The missed call alert meant that he tried calling me during the time when I was waiting for his reply but due to some technical reasons or network issues, call could not complete. I was now confirmed that it was not a confusion or mis-understanding of announcement by me, and that he should be somewhere here only.

I picked up my luggage and started moving towards exit gate of Platform 1. As I crossed the metal detector I saw him (my roomie) standing on right hand side at a little distance from me. He was looking away from me and appeared a little nervous. I called him by his name. He turned around after hearing my voice, ran towards me and gave me a tight hug. I felt a little suffocated with his tight hug and my heavy backpack on my back.

“You even did not tell me by which train you were scheduled to go. And then your (mobile) number was ‘out of network’. I was afraid that I lost my chance to meet you and see you off. I wanted to wish you a sound and safe journey.”, he was crying like a baby while hugging me and had not released his grip on me. He was hugging me so tight as if he was afraid of losing me or if someone might snatch me away from him. I also embraced him in my arms and tapped his back to assure him that everything was alright.

“I am also sorry. I know I was so wrong and so mean to you. I don’t deserve your love and care. “, I tried to calm him down, but my conscience and my guilty feeling did not allow me to hide anything from him.  My eyes were wet. When something truly comes from heart, rest of the senses support the emotions automatically.

He perhaps did not pay any attention to what I said, although my lips were close to his ears. I believe, he was busy in making sure that I was still available to him as he was repeating all those fears of losing me and his hands were exploring my back to make sure that I am physically there.

Suddenly my attention was drawn away by surroundings. I pulled him away and said, “I know that I have hurt your feelings and it is hard to forgive what I have done, but I would be really happy if you come with me and join us in this festive celebration, else I will also not go.”, I said while wiping my tears which were about to jump out of my eyes.

I looked at his face, which was wet with the tears rolling out of his eyes. I gave him my handkerchief to clean his face and said, “We hardly have 10 minutes left before the train departs. We must hurry or we might miss the train.”

He wiped his tears and said, “I cannot come with you tonight. I have an important client meeting scheduled for tomorrow. And don’t worry about all these small things, I know there are a lots of improvement area for us to work upon, for which we should give time to ourselves.”. He paused for a moment and then continued, “Now, you need to move fast to catch your train. I will try my best to catch you on weekend, if I could manage, or I will be waiting for you to join me back. But now I am now satisfied that I could finally see you before you go on such a long vacation.”

He picked up my bag and took my hand in his hand and started moving fast towards the platform 6 where my train was ready for departure. We literally ran and crossed a lot of steps in hurry on the stairs of the foot over-bridge to quickly catch the train. It was hardly a minute when I boarded the coach and the train started moving.

“Don’t forget, I will be waiting for you.. be there”, I asked him from the door of the coach where I had a berth reserved for me. He did not say a word, but sent a flying kiss to me. I too replied him with a distant kiss and the moving train kept the increasing the distance between us.

(To be continued….)

Killer Silence-(Part-1)

He entered the room, a little “late” from his daily routine. Probably, he might have got stuck in traffic jam or some other reason might have caused this delay.

When he returns from his office, there is always a cute smile on his glorious face, and he greets me with a flying kiss as soon as he enters the room. He usually is energetic even after running through so many stairs on 3-storey building. But it was not “normal” today. There was a fake, diminishing smile on his face with which he greeted me tonight. He did not make eye-contacts with me. No flying kiss either. His energy level were not “at par” with his “normal himself”.

He kept his laptop backpack on the bed, and went straight towards the wall hanger, where he started undressing his office uniform.

Hey ! Are you alright sweet heart?“, I asked worriedly, and put my laptop down from my lap and went to him where he was putting his clothes after getting undressed, to check if he might have caught fever or something. His behavior, lower energy level, etc. were a point of concern for me.

I touched his forehead to see if body temperature was not high. It appeared normal. He was in his vest and underwear, and was attempting to put on his short.


What happened? Is everything fine? Why are you so down today?“, I asked in a queue, uninterruptedly.  My tone was clearly reflecting my uneasiness and nervousness. He moved his head away from my hand, which was on his forehead. Strange ! He never behaved so rudely with me. It kind of hurt my feelings. I felt a kind of separation coming between us.It was kind of feeling of dis-owning something valuable. He had always been very sensitive to my feelings and cared a lot about  me, so it was something really abnormal about him today that he repelled me from him. Even when he was not feeling well, he never ignored my touch. I tried controlling my emotions, assuming he is really not feeling good right now. I got more worried about seriousness of the situation.

I’m fine.“, his short and cold reply confirmed my doubts that he definitely was not fine. But his unwillingness to share the details with me was adding more pain to the problem. Considering his situation, I thought, probably it would not be a good idea to torture him by being a more intriguing person right now.

Okay. You get fresh, while I serve the dinner.“, I asked him with a warm smile, trying to change the topic and his mood. “… Or, would you like to have a cup of tea before dinner? You may feel better.“, I looked at him to see his response.

Without looking at me, he replied, “Sorry..! I won’t be able to join you in dinner tonight. I am not hungry. I had already taken heavy snacks in office party a few hours back.” It was again an indication of some serious problem to me. He never did this to me. Even if we take something during our outings, we accompany each-other, even if it just a bite, if one of us want to taste something after returning home. It was never a direct “No” from him. He knew, that I would be waiting for him and will not start without him. In the past there had been couple of incidents where he had to attend a few official parties with his office staff but he made sure every time to inform me in advance. Not only this, he used to call me and follow-up with me during our usual dinner time whether or not I had taken my dinner properly. He made sure, even if he was unable to be there with me in person, he was still with me over a phone call when I was taking dinner. That’s why this answer from him today solidified my doubts that something was seriously wrong. But I was unable to find what was it?

When there is a tension, some people tend to eat more. For some, it is “hunger-disappeared”. I fall, mostly in second category. Even though I was starving, and was eagerly waiting for him to come back early so that we can start the dinner together, this new tension killed my hunger. I was still hungry, but I was not able to swallow anything down my throat. I was worried because this was not a simple issue nor it could be a small problem. I was getting more worried about seriousness of situation. There was a remote possibility of health related issues, but his abnormal behavior today was clearly pointing out it is not just a health-problem. All sort of negative thoughts and possibilities started puzzling my mind.

love is a monster1I was deep in my thoughts, analyzing the situation, and trying to figure out a solution, when I heard him saying, “I have headache, and I will sleep now.” After that he went to his bed, and lied down at the edge of the bed, keeping a distance between us and facing away and opposite to my side of bed. There was no possibility of dinner for me either. I also closed my laptop which I had left on the bed, and lied down next to him. After so many nights of his passionate touch and pampering, I was not feeling good when he created a distance. It was more of a emotional issue, than the physical one. I wanted to hold him in my arms, touch him, like he used to do to me, but was afraid of creating more problems for him.

I could no longer bear this killer silence between us. I looked at him, who was still lying in the same pose, away from me, and asked him in a soft voice, “Are you angry with me? Did I do something?

There was no answer for a few moments, and then he replied, “No.

There was not much to talk now, but there were plenty of things to be answered. This silence between us was killing me. Sometimes, Silence is more powerful than words or actions.  This was not a silence of words. It was a silence in our joyful, jovial, love life. It was a Killer Silence.

(Concluding part coming soon…)