The Villain

“Why are you looking so sad for a couple of days?”, asked my Roomie trying to cheer me up.

“Naah ! It’s nothing.”, I replied, trying to cover up the disappointment spread on my face, my attitude and my actions.

“Are Mom and Dad alright?”, he asked again, putting down the glass of water on the table he was sipping through.

“Yeaa..h. !   everything is fine. No issues buddy”, I responded with a fake smile this time.

By this time, he was standing right behind me. I felt his magnetic charm, when his arms embraced me from the back. His magical smell is always doing good cheer me up. He kept his chin on my shoulder and said, “Then… what is wrong?”

After a moment, he came forward and gave me a tight hug, and asked, “Why is my sweet heart looking so down for so many days? Did I do something to make you feel like this shit or are you feeling home-sickness?”

His magical touch has that healing effect that always brings life back on the dead. It worked for me, all the time. I needed it the most at this point in time. It was a huge psychological pressure I was going through, and it was killing me inside.

“I feel, I don’t deserve you.”, I busted. My head was on his shoulder and I was literally crying. Sometimes, it becomes out of control to bear such emotions, and impulses start flowing through tears. Although, I don’t like such things to happen with me in front of anyone. But, it happened, and in front of my Roomie.

He kept hugging me silently. And then, I felt his hand caressing my hair. There was a complete silence for a while. Then his voice echoed in my ears, “That’s absolutely right. You don’t deserve me at all. You deserve much better, actually you deserve the best.”

He parted me away from his chest, looked into my eyes which were all teary, wiped off the tears rolling out on my cheek and then said, “But tell me… how this thing came to your tiny mind all of a sudden?”, and patted on my head with a smile.

I asked him sobbingly, “You know, I am maintaining an online Diary about us?”

“Yes, … so?”, he was curious to know further. The tone of his voice and level of his curiosity was raised after hearing the word “online Diary”. He knew that I am maintaining this eDiary about us, but probably he was curious to know “how it made me cry ?”

I continued, “I love to interact with my readers. Their frank opinion and suggestions have been proven very helpful to me so far. That’s why I keep on collecting their inputs through various posts, polls or comments, and try to improve myself, wherever necessary.”

He was still looking at me. I continued, “Recently I requested inputs on a similar thread through my FB page. The request was made to my eDiary readers to caste their votes for a preferred choice between you (my Roomie) and me.  The results were astonishing!”

There was a smile floating on his face now.  That made me smile too. His smile is contagious, and it is the only thing I want to see all the time.

I continued, “It was not surprising to find that majority of my readers were on the side of my Roomie. They loved him, adored him, and had empathy with him. It was fine, and I liked it. Because my readers, were seeing him through my eyes. It was natural to have a similar feelings for him.”

“Then??  What is the issue?”, he was also surprised now.

“It was a little surprising to find out, that for some of my dear readers, I was the culprit. They portrayed me in the darkest shades of no less than that of a villain. That was something uneasy for me to digest. I got a few such feedback, where I was made to believe that I am a real villain, heart-less, emotion-less, self-centered and may be an opportunist.”, I replied.

“Aah ! So … you are blowing yourself off with these non-sense things? You are as dumb as those few fellas who gave you such inputs”, he attempted to make it a little bit of fun-filled environment. He wanted to cheer me up.

“My diary (this blog) is reflecting some of the important real life incidents between us. This also reflects our personality to some extent, my thought process, and value-system. In short, I have tried my best to stay as close as possible to the real life, whether it be any incident between us, or my thoughts on some arbitrary topic. If my readers, somehow, feel that I am a villain, a heartless, emotionless, self-centered, opportunist, it cannot be ignored in vain. There ought to be some rationale behind it.”, I opened my heart.

He went silent for a moment, and then asked me, “What could have made them believe that you are such a villain and that I am such an innocent, angel?”

He did not give me a chance to answer it. He explained it himself, “None of your readers personally know you. They haven’t even met me, your Roomie in real life. They met us through this eDiary, Right? “, and looked straight into my eyes for a confirmation. I nodded in confirmation.

“So, whatever they know about you or about me, has to come from your eDiary and their own value-system, that decides what is a good-value and what is a bad-value for them in their lives.”, he explained in easy to understand and with perfectly logical reasoning.

When almost everyone liked my roomie more than myself, it was actually a reflection of my love for my roomie, and not their own choice. That was true to a great extent. This was also true that when we love someone, we see all things positive in that loved one.  We might be influenced and biased sometimes. When we write about our love, we only create a sketch of him with all such positive things which influenced us, which might be far away from the reality.  But that’s how the love and emotions work. That’s why Love is blind.

“But preference of my roomie over me was never a problem for me.”, I said.

“The problem was with the ‘villain’ part.  People reading my eDiary are not related to him (my roomie) or to me. They ought to be honest. If the feedback is an honest feedback, I don’t really deserve an angel like you. I too strongly feel the same. I have seen many times how generous and loving you are to me and what the hell in return I offered to you? Absolutely nothing.”,  warm droplets of tears rolled out once again on my cheek when I finished the line.

“Hmmmm….. and ‘Who’ made them believe so with his ‘Creative’ writing skills?”, he asked with dancing eyebrows. “Tell me.. Who?”.

I got the gist what he was trying to explain, but my heart and my mind were not accepting it.  I have seen him going exceptionally beyond the rational limits for my happiness. I have seen him compromising on his needs and his desires, his preferences for a long time… all just for my happiness. I have seen him putting his life and career at risk to save my life, and that’s too when I always rejected him, and told him that he needs to behave reasonably and identify his limits. I had made him clear many times that I did not have similar “love” or feelings for him as he bears for me, but he did not think for a second to choose me before his own life.

And what in turn I had given to him? Just the Rules and Regulations and a list of terms and conditions, which were as restrictive as my mind in accepting him to be my life partner in initial time. He agreed to all without any reluctance. Had it not been that life-turning incident and a few of my online friends who guided me from time to time, and helped me see through the things clearly with an alternative perspective, I would not have been able to change my mindset. That proves that I was a villain, and also a self-centered person.

I was amid all these thoughts, and he probably caught the vibes that I am not fully satisfied with his last argument, he now explained to me and said, “We all see the things from our own perspective. We have limitations to see the things. Sometimes we strongly believe in ourselves that even the truth appears to be false because it does not fit on our prejudices or assumptions.”

He paused momentarily, and said, “You are no villain. Believe me. You are an innocent child from you heart, and gem of a person. I am not saying it to please you. Your honesty and simplicity attracts everyone, even if we ignore your charismatic personality and beauty that can attract even the blind people to you. “

“When you told me about your first crush during your school life, and also during visit to your home during Durga Puja, I noticed how everyone in your friend-circle was hovering around you all the time. Do you think only physical attraction is capable of producing that magical effect? Why the hell everyone feel so compelled to be with you and around you all the time? Do you think anyone would care and feel such an affection to a person who is self-centered, egoist or a villain? Naah !… “, he paused, took my hand in his hand, and then said, “It is your modesty and humbleness that you don’t give yourself a credit for it. It is your nature to value others more than yourself. And believe me, I rightly said, I really don’t deserve you. You deserve whatever is the best in this universe. But I am getting selfish here, and I feel really blessed that I got you.”

He continued, “You ARE beautiful, extremely beautiful. No doubt in that. Every inch of your body has that  heavenly beauty overflowing from it. I never felt that attraction for any male before seeing you. I have never seen such divine beauty earlier. I don’t feel attracted to any other males except you. But mere a glimpse of you when you first entered this room made me forget who I was and that I was in a relationship with a girl for 4 years. I was happy with her, and loved her company before seeing you. We were even planning for marriage. But that physical attraction in my girl-friend and all desires to settle down with her disappeared after I saw you for the first time. I could not take you out of mind for days, even though I fought hard and tried everything to keep myself away from you. That’s the charisma of your personality and your aura. You won’t ever realize it because it impacts others not you. The Sun does not know the virtues of its being the Sun. That’s the beauty of it. That’s is the selflessness. Let me tell you my little secret today. My biggest fear and insecurity is because of this thing. As I know that I don’t deserve you, I am afraid that you might leave me alone, for ever, someday. I cannot bear that mere thought of getting separated from you  even for a moment. The mere thought of getting separated from you  gives me shiver down my spine. I cannot imagine my life without you even for a moment.”

My hand was still in his hand, and he was massaging it intermittently with his fingers. His voice was very calm and deep. He was holding my hand firmly as if he was really afraid that I may run away from him. After this we both stood silent for a while, and I moved forward to hug him and then rested my head on his shoulder, which have always been there whenever I needed it for a support.

I could not digest completely what all he told me, especially his last few paragraphs. That may be his exaggerated reality or his personal views and opinion, which sounded like very biased and influenced to me. But after talking to him, I was feeling much better about “Villain” thing.

I still could not completely rule out those possibilities of “Selfishness” , “Self-Centered Person” and “Being Villain to my roommate than being a good friend to him”.

I, therefore, request my dear readers, who have gone through my eDiary, and various ups and downs of my love-life through various chapters of my this eDiary, to please share your candid feedback on it, which may help me find the improvement-area and help me to be a better person and more useful friend to my roommate.

An Unforgettable Experience

A Real Life incident, with positive outlook to incidents and the life..must read.

Food for Poetryy

Hello Dear Friends,

How is life going? I hopeit is goinggreat. With a little bit of upsides and downsides here and there but neverthelessfun.Today, would like to share with you all a very personal experience I had 16 days ago. The narrativemight sound regular but was powerful enough to change a part of me, so sharing with you all was my imperative.

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Alittle background first. I had been writing the 2nd stage of an important exam in December that spans across 6 days – 9 papers – 3 hours each . That also explains my less-frequent blogging recently. Well let us say the examis very important since I took a career break for an year to write this exam.

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Interestingly the day I am talking about, 7th December was one of the foggiest days Delhi winter has witnessed. Add to that the exam centre being 45 km away…

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Social Norms !

Divyangna and I were enjoying our lunch together in a Restaurant. It was Friday, and she asked me to go out on lunch, just two of us, away from the Office chaos. Although we wanted to go to a distant food-court, but that was not a feasible option because of time constraints as we needed to get back to work after lunch break, and traffic chaos in NCR is not less than a nightmare. She handed over keys of her Scooty to me and asked me to take her to a restaurant at some “safe” distance from our office.

Divyangna is a pretty lady, young, energetic, sexy and jovial in nature, who truly and strongly believes in Gender equality. Her free-attitude might not be acceptable to some elite class of society who want to see females in typical stereotyped roles and responsibilities, although they might agree to it in principle.

In our male-dominated society, people may boast for equality, freedom etc. for females, till the moment they don’t find themselves competing in the situation. When situation requires their involvement, even if at emotional level, they tend to forget every ethical principle and come down to their narrow minded thoughts.

Delhi NCR (National Capital Region) is rather a city which accepts modern thoughts and lifestyle. I had assumed that those orthodox thoughts would not be part of this modern society which were a common living standard in my small home-town. I believed that people would rather have a more liberal and westernized outlook to life, respecting individual and their privacy. I was wrong.

Divyangna chose to sit next to me instead of sitting on the opposite side. We were talking (actually she was talking and I was hearing) and intermittently rubbing my hand, or patting me on my back and Thigh (twice). There were no issues for some time but then the incident took ugly turn when an Uncle and Aunty (they were really not related to either of us, but we Indians tend to be very relationship oriented, so we prefer to call every (unknown) elderly couple as Uncle and Aunt with due respect and regards), who were also dining in same restaurant, came to us and started putting personal questions and unwanted bull-shit wisdom and instructions on how girls and guys from decent families should behave in public. They covered everything in their lecture telling us how good we are and what are our moral duties for a civilized society we belong in. They said a lot of things, which they should not have touched.

It was embarrassing for us. I was not in a mood to spoil my mood more by raising my voice against their discretionary judgement against us. I still regret my doing it last time when I raised my voice against my Mom, (when she had forced me to accept marriage proposal to the Canadian girl during Durga Puja). I did not want to loose my temperament this time. But Divyangna could not tolerate this non-sense. She stood up, pulled me up from my collar, and planted a Kiss on my lips in front of those elderly couple. She kept of kissing me for good 2 minutes, until the couple left our table and the restaurant.  I heard a young couple siting on other end of the restaurant encouraging us by clapping and whistling. The Guy was whistling and clapping while the girl was busy in capturing us in lip-lock in her mobile phone.

Her kiss came in as a big surprise to me. I got nervous, and anxious. After the elderly couple left, she broke the lip-locking slowly, licked her upper lip, and winked at me. She then ordered the food as if nothing happened. My hunger had vanished, but she was behaving as if nothing happened.

After finishing the the lunch, we came back to office. I was mostly silent all the time after her kiss, which I believe was because of her kiss. Her Kiss had really locked my lips together, and also my mind. But she was totally normal. I was driving and she was sitting on the backseat hugging me tightly. Neither of us talked about it again. Probably she had understood my nervousness and did not want to make me feel more embarrassed. In later half of the day, she visited my desk 2 to 3 times for different reasons. I guess she was making sure that I was feeling alright.

When I reached home, the whole incident flashed through my memories as it would have just happened. And after giving it a lots of thought, I also came to conclusion, that although it appeared very inappropriate, but there could not have been any better reply to unwanted “Wisdom” and interference in our personal life than what Divyangna had replied.

Your thoughts?

Don’t just Live in Fantasy World!

Did you ever notice it on Facebook or other social networking sites that most of the people, who consider themselves Gays (or Homosexuals more appropriately), are a bit different from the other guys.

Different in what context?  Let me explain.

Pay attention to the main message posted by someone in FB (Please refer to image given below). Someone posted that he is Gay and is in closet. He dare not to be open to his family yet as he is in search of his life partner. Once he finds his life partner, he could dare to openly declare his sexual preferences to his family since his “Hero” would be there to save him from Physical abuses of his Parents (or family).

The first reply and then last two replies to his post are mine.

It might have been written on a lighter note, but this kind of “magical” solutions to end the miseries of life are common observations for most of the guys in homosexual groups or social media posts. That’s my point of concern

It is normal that People tend to be weaker at emotional fronts, physical fronts or whatever fronts at times and but it is not normal when they tend to assume themselves weaker and try to find out a support for each and every thing in their “Boy Friend” or partner.  It is a problem if this tendency is becoming a regular activity of their life. It is a mind-game, and need to be played well.  Why is it that one want to live a passive life, and want to find a solution to every problem of one’s life from someone else.

Come on ! Stop Kidding, and showing pity on yourself. Sexual preference has nothing to do with your ability or inability to solve your problems on your own. No one has forced you to live a parasitic life. Stop this non-sense, and stand up for your own good self. At least stop pretending that some “Prince Charming” will enter your life and will end all the miseries of your life. Come out of your fantasies buddy. Try to turn yourself into that Prince Charming who can end the miseries of life. Instead of looking for the support in external factors, and external bodies, why don’t you turn yourself into someone who can support others, if needed.  No one want a loser in life. Why do you want to turn yourself into a loser without even giving yourself a fair chance to fight and win?

Recognize your potential Boss! Trust me, you have already been blessed with all the capabilities to fight and win against all the odds. Everyone’s life has its own shades of grey and one needs to find one’s winning style of turning these grey shades into vibrant colors. It may appear tough, but actually it is not tough. Just need to identify our style of working and improve it for better chances of winning the game. Remember, it is all a mind game !

Pardon me if I sound rude, but that is something I could not accept and tolerate. This kind of things portray a weaker image of Homosexuality. It is okay to be weak, but it is not okay to not fight and expect someone else to fight for you. It is not okay to assume this kind of things because you are Gay !

First Crush (Part -4: Friendship Begins)

(Continued from  previous part… )

About Me:

I was also at par with her in terms of competition. Although it was a different kind of competition for me. We both were new to this school and culture here, so both were facing similar challenges in some way or other. But I was relatively luckier. Lucky to be blessed with good and supportive friends. Instead of resistance, I received a friendly welcome by most of the class mates and school mates (juniors or seniors) right from the very first day. Perhaps, there was no “diving” financial levels between us as opposed to that Cinderella with Mercedes. Obviously they found me one among them and accepted me whole heartily.

I was among a very few popular guys in the campus, it came to my notice a little later. Why? I had no clue. There were others who were exceptionally brilliant in studies and probably from the same DNA line which belonged to Einstein, and there were others who were master in their respective fields of expertise, be it Music, Games or flattering with girls. I was not match to any of them. On top of that I was “Shy” in talking to girls and not so “talkative” in new groups.

I was just a good student, with excellent academic record, but not a book worm. I was not too much into sports either. I was just an average player, yet everyone wanted me to be in their team in Cricket or Volley Ball or Badminton match. Besides all these negative traits, I was still one of the preferred candidates for friendship. The number of my friends kept on growing exponentially. Most of them, once added to my friends circle, are still my good friends. Yes, I received a few compliments from time to time that sounded like “Cute Smile”, “You don’t have ego problems like XXXX”, “You are warm and friendly”, but I believe it was just to strengthen the bonding / friendship between us, and nothing more.

I was popular in my class too. Not only my teachers, but teachers from other class also knew me by my name. I always received good grades and appreciations from my teachers, since early stage of education. So most of the times, my fellow students used to borrow my notes or asked me for help in explaining a typical problem or a chapter to them. I don’t really know if it was an easy way for them to reach me and get fully devoted and uninterrupted attention or if they really wanted to study something. Now when I see this in context of allegations by my roomie (keeping in mind the physical beauty part), I may weigh it higher on former aspect. I was definitely not the only option left to them. It is not in my nature to deny if someone asks for a help.

The number of girls asking for my help was increasing day by day. Now when I am analyzing it today, I can make a wild guess. I tell you the reason, why? For boys, I was readily available to mix up with them as and when required, and I was surrounded with guys most of the times. They did not need an excuse to reach me. Because of my reservations and conservative  family/culture values, I was not supposed to be seen with girls in isolation often. Same thing was applicable to girls with “decent” families as it was a small city, with not so advanced, liberal and modern life styles. So usually girls used to visit boys in small groups and with a proper excuse to start the chit-chat. No doubts, there were a few exceptional cases. But after that Cinderella entered in our campus, these exceptional cases had grown very fast. Now even the girls from decent families were feeling proud in having 1 to 1 conversation with guys or to hook-up with their so called boy-friends whenever they get time in the campus. You know, it was like flashing a necklace, which read like, “My Boy friend is better than yours, because I deserve better.”

Our First Meeting:

One fine day, I was enjoying a free time having a chit-chat with a small group of friends, both guys and girls, near the play ground when the most notorious guy of our class, Ritwik, also nick-named as Play-boy, patted me on my shoulder from the back. For me, he was also a good friend.

I turned around and saw him smiling, accompanied by Cinderella. I had not seen such a beauty in my whole life. She was really a God’s gift to this universe. I did not get a chance to see her from so close distance earlier. I forgot to blink my eyes and kept staring at her face for a moment. I know it was embarrassing and rude, but I lost myself in her greenish eyes. She winked and shouted “Hi Sexy !”, and moved her hand forward to shake hands. Her loud voice, which was loud enough to be heard at the other  end of the corridor we were sitting in,  brought me back to my senses.

I shook my hand with her. The touch of her smooth and silky skin was something I had never felt before. It was a baby soft skin. Her white teeth were complementing her smiling lips, covered in vibrant bold red color. My eyes could not decide where exactly to stay to enjoy her beauty. Every glimpse of her face, was looking prettier than what my eyes were currently focusing at and at the same time were becoming greedy not to miss the golden opportunity of enjoying rest of the beauty of this Live Goddess. Who knows, if I would ever get another chance for this in my whole life or not. Now I understood why all the guys were mad about her and why they were so sympathizing with her. Now I understood, why all the girl-gangs were feeling so insecure and jealous of her. She was born to control the universe with her beauty.

She was looking more beautiful than she used to appear from distance apart . I could not dare to look down her face as it might be offending her but she definitely made my dick hard. She was looking a fully grown adult with properly shaped tight boobs. Her beauty and cute smiles were enough to make anyone file a mercy petition to this Goddess of Love and beauty.

“Meet my friend, Shalaka. You must be knowing, she also joined our college recently just like you.”, the Play Boy Ritwik gave a brief introduction.

“Oh ! so we have something in common… That’s a great start then.”, said Shalaka with a cute smile on her face. Everyone around me started looking at my face when she finished her last sentence.

“I am glad we met. I also noticed that you are a bit different from others. That’s why I asked Ritwik to introduce me to you.”, She smiled and winked when she finished her last sentence.

“Pleasure is all mine.”, I replied. Everyone, including me, clearly noticed a bright smile on her glorious face after my reply. I don’t know why I said it to her and later I felt embarrassed too when I looked at faces of all my friends who were paying attention to our conversations very closely and were giving mixed reactions through their facial expressions after each statement by her or me.

“From where had you done your previous schooling?”, she continued the talks. I was not sure if she was interested in knowing more details about me or she just wanted to make me more comfortable to open up with her through these talks, but it was sure she was not in a mood to say “See you later” which I was planning on next. I was feeling awkward in talking to her as I was afraid of losing my friends if I paid more attention to her. Boys were happy but girls were clearly very unhappy with her presence around me.

“Well… I was studying at XXXX earlier.”,  I answered.

Her next question was ready, “Where exactly is this…is it in this city or somewhere else?”

What the hell? Was she making fun of me or my financial condition? It was kind of insulting to me. We tend to see the things in the light of our own presumptions. That might not reflect the correct color of things to us. It was a small city and the school I named was one of the renowned schools in the city as it secured highest number of meritorious students, but it catered to academic needs of most of the middle class families. Definitely, it was not meant for kids of Super Rich families. For them, there were a few  5-Star schools in the city. I was disappointed by her question. Suddenly my mind reacted that probably everyone was right in saying that she does not deserve a decent friendship.

She might have noticed my facial expressions after her question, and probably she understood my concerns, and said, “Well… I am asking because I am new to this city too. It is hardly a month since I moved in to this city.”

I instantly realized my mistake, and felt sorry for what all sort of negative thoughts and presumptions I made for her. We tend to do this mistake again and again, still we do not learn. We should learn not react to a situation, rather, we should practice to respond it appropriately. We must learn not to be judgemental about what we hear, see or feel, unless there is a clear and explicit need to do so. I committed this crime of being judgmental and jumping on conclusions, based upon my presumptions and thoughts.

I was wrong, and I could not stand myself unless I ask for apologies from her. It would remind me not to repeat similar mistakes again.

I said, “Please accept my apologies Shalaka, I mis-understood you.” She probably already had an idea what I was talking about but she was generous to let it go. She smiled back and patted me on my shoulders and said, “It’s okay. It happens sometimes. Don’t bother about it too much.” And then she moved her right hand once again to shake hands with me and asked, “Friends?”

I noticed she was not only intelligent, but also sensible to catch the emotions and mature enough to respect the sentiments of others. It is not an easy thing. One can only be affected by other’s pains and sentiments with only purity of mind and heart. It touched me. Her previous image in my mind that was built from various hear-says and feedbacks about her by others, started fading away. I found a totally different person standing in front of me. She was looking an innocent child to me. I happily accepted her friendship offer and took her hand in my hands.

“Well.. this school is one of renowned schools in the city which delivered highest number of meritorious students. It is situated at XXXXX location around 5 Kilometers from this college.”, I explained her in detail. I wanted to be more courteous to her now to compensate for my mistakes.

By that time, the bell rang and the current session (class) was over. We needed to head to our next class. We all, including Shalaka, started running to the lecture hall where next class was scheduled to grab the seats on the front rows. On the way back to class room, I introduced her to rest of the friends in our group.  Don’t know about others but I was feeling good and was happy to find that she was not that bad of a person as portrayed by others.

 (To be continued…)

Logic and Science

This article is an interesting example of argument and logic.. nice explanation.

I am sharing it just because it is rational, and highlights the things, most of us do, by being judgemental and reaching our own opinions to confirm it as a final judgement. We should be open, and flexible in our thoughts to allow more inputs and to have wider perspectives.

Again, I am not asking you to change your beliefs or be judgemental on the opinions, rather analyze how open-mindedness and flexibility can offer you unlimited potential and wider playgrounds.

Here it is: