My Journal (Part 1: Love & Control)

Dear Diary,

I had decided to refrain myself from sharing our intrinsic love-life moments and “the things” with you and I followed it. I was avoiding putting any day to day events and love scenes between me and my roomie here. But now, I came back to you. You are one of my closest friends and already know about me and my life more than anyone else.

Reason for my coming back this time is different. I need someone to shed the emotional load I have been carrying for a long time. I need someone to talk with. You are obviously my safest choice and an old friend I can trust.

It is after that Immature and Childish incident, and subsequent act of revenge with my roomie when we decided to settle down. I told him, that it was not just a “hard bite” on my nipple that caused all this rage and frustration rather it was getting accumulated for a long time because I was feeling like he loves my body and not me. I felt like I was just a sex object and not a living being. Prolonged un-willing involvement and allowing him to proceed to do these sexual activities with me caused such kind of feelings. That’s why I asked him to prove me that he loves “me” and that I am more than just a body for him.

The point clicked to him. He was down emotionally for a couple of days but then he probably realized what I told him had some merits. He accepted it and changed himself. He initially stopped doing any kind of sexual advances with me. We were left with just a couple of months together before I finish my internship and return to my home town to continue with my studies. He did not want to leave any such impression on me or give me a reason to hate him. He decided that he would devote these last few days to accommodate the golden moments which would always remind me of him with pleasant memories. He wanted to make sure that after we part away, I would also miss him the way he would miss his love. He left no stone un-turned to make it happen.

Now, he tries his best to not to touch my body in night or play with it like he used to do it earlier. He tries his best to check my mood and my inclination before indulging in any of his mischievous acts. He tries his best to make sure that I have no reason to be upset or get my eyes wet when he is with me or because of any of his words or actions.

It is a major change in him and his attitude. I have seen him passing many restless nights when he was just sitting on the corner of the bed. I can understand “Why?”.  It is really not easy for him to control his urge and desires to keep away from my body or at least touching it. He still cannot sleep unless some part of his body is touching some part of my body. Then what does he do all night?

Frankly speaking, my dear friend, I really don’t know how does he manage without sleeping whole night. There were many incidents when I woke up in night, and he was lying next to me facing me, resting his head on his hand. I found him looking at my face while I was asleep.

He keeps looking at me while I am asleep but does not touch me (or at least I don’t come to know even if he would have touched). His eyes and face looks very calm and sometimes flooded with emotional turmoil he probably might be undergoing. Sometimes, I found him feeling low with misty eyes while watching me asleep.

Dear Diary, I am no villain and don’t want to see him suffering because of me. But this change has touched me deeply. My repulsion and frustration has now turned into affection and love for him. I have also realized that we people may have some weaknesses, and that we need to see a real person beyond his weaknesses. His love for me is not just based upon his desires to have sex with me. I realized that he loves me and not just my body. My body could just be a medium for him to express his feelings, his love and attraction for me.

Last night, when I woke-up and found him in similar pose, staring at me, I just pulled him and embraced him. It was after a long gap of few weeks, when he was made to touch me, embrace me during night. And what a magic ! as soon as he rested his head on my chest, he embraced me so passionately as if he would have found the biggest treasure of happiness he was seeking for ages. It took no time for him to go into deep sleep which was away from him for so many nights since we decided to not to play body-games anymore.  We kept sleeping in same pose for rest of 3-4 hours of night.

It was also very satisfying for me. One, I was also missing that magical and passionate loving touch from him which made me feel very special, secured and beloved. Second, I now knew that I did not need to be so rigid and so strict for him as it is just a torture for both of us. I knew that behind every physical move, there is same loving heart and soul which can do anything for me and willing to do all sort of compromises to make me feel happy.

Isn’t it the love we all would like to have in our life? I am one of those lucky people who are blessed with the such passionate and true love but could not truly identify it till the very last few moments of our being together. I repeated the same mistake we often tend to do in our life, i.e., to under-estimate the gifts we have been blessed with and then to regret for not valuing these when these are taken away from us.

Dear Diary, there are many more things I would like to share with you but need more time to spend with you. So, let us find some more time to be together and share more such things.

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