Say Something…!

I was sitting in the office and working on my computer system, when my cellphone placed on my desk alerted me. This was the SMS alert tone I had reserved for my Roomie. I checked the message, it read – “I may nt come today 2 pick u up. Pls. manage.” It was 4 PM.

It was for the first time in this 4 months period after that terrifying and torturous incident that he was not coming to pick me up. It was unusual. He had given me strict instructions to wait for him, if he was busy or late, but not to travel alone or on my own. He had been accompanying me everywhere since then and never left me alone when stepping out of home. He did not want to risk my life again. It was a life-threatening situation after the incident. But now, it is an old story, and after more than 4 months, it should not require such high precautionary measures of safety.

I left office as per daily routine and reached home. I unlocked the apartment’s entrance using my keys. When I entered the apartment, I was surprised to see my Roomie resting on the bed, probably asleep.

“Hey Buddy ! You are home”, I asked in a surprise. He was early today, and taking rest. He is usually more active and energetic than I.  It was very unusual to find him passively lying on bed, that’s too at this time of the day. He is not passive even during bed-time when the whole world goes in the dreamland.

There was no response from him. He even did not give any reaction, as if he did not hear me. I went close to him after placing my laptop bag on the table. His eyes were closed. I guess, he was asleep.

I changed my clothes, and went on my side of bed. I was feeling a bit hungry so I had already taken a small bowl of Cornflakes with Milk and Sugar with me. I was feeling concerned for him and when I am in tension, I need something to eat. If there is something sweet, it helps. I took two sips from the bowl and then leaned over him to see how he was doing.

His face was still opposite to me. His eyes were still closed. His love and affection for me made his cute face look more attractive to me. I kept on staring him for a moment. Even I could not notice it, when my lips reached his cheek. It came to my notice that I was kissing him when his breathing pace changed with my kiss.

It alerted me. I made sure that I was kissing him very gently. I did not want to wake him up or disturb him, but I could not help myself from staying closer to him and watch him asleep.  After the kiss, when I got up, I once again looked at his cute and innocent face. I didn’t know what happened to me but I was not feeling satisfied and wanted to keep looking at him and pamper him. But I was afraid, he is sensitive to my touch and probably my smell too. I really did not want to disturb him.

I reverted back to my bed as I was loosing control over myself, and resumed consuming the cornflakes. After finishing it, when I placed the empty bowl on the table and got back to my semi-sitting pose,  I noticed slight movements in my Roomie. He turned his face toward me, opened his eyes momentarily, looked at me for a few moments and then closed his eyes once again.

I asked him, “Hey   ! Is everything alright? How are you feeling now?”. There was no response. I started pampering him and massaging his hair gently. I wanted to know if he was alright. His coming early from office, sleeping at this time, and not coming to pick me up was giving me signals that something might not be right with him. But he did not respond.

I stopped caressing his hair after a while and came back to my semi-sitting pose on my side of bed. If would not be appropriate to keep disturbing him if he was still feeling sleepy. I was busy in thinking all this and trying to figure out the reason of his “changed” behavior today, when he moved again.

He came close to me, and even closer and finally embraced me and kept his head on my lap. His eyes were still closed, and he was silent. His left arm was covering me from back and his right arm and hand was making a closed-grip to hold me locked in between his arms. His head was resting on my right thigh, top of his head was touching my penis and testicles. He was lying on his stomach and his face was toward me, with eyes still closed.

His touch broke my chain of thoughts, and I started caressing his hair again. But I did not ask him anything this time. There was a complete silence between us. I was worried and confused too. I was still trying to figure out what was the reason of this very strange behavior? He was motionless, but his grip around me was tight and rigid.

After some time, he moved his head a little up and kept it on my chest, just on the middle of my chest. His eyes were still closed and face was expression less. Till now I was sitting almost straight, but now I adjusted my pose a little down and bent a little to make it easier for his head to stay on my chest.

I stopped caressing his hair and started pampering him. I collected all my courage and asked him once again, “Are not you feeling hungry? Let’s have something to eat.”. It was now more than an hour and half since I came in and he had not taken anything in my presence. It was our dinner time anyways.

He just unlocked his hands and loosen his grip around me in response to my question, but did not say a word. I also did not want to take the dinner without him. On top of that, his behavior was enough to kill my hunger.

I was wearing the full-sleeve vest (thermal-wear). Around 10 minutes later, he opened his eyes, raised his head a bit above my chest, folded-up my vest to uncover my chest, and then placed his head back on my chest with his right cheek touching my chest, kissed once on the middle of my chest and closed his eyes once again. He tightened his grip once again, locking me in his arms. His grip around me was so tight which reminded me of my childhood, when I used to do it in a similar way to my Mom. I used to do it when I was afraid of loosing contact with her. Whenever she used to go for shopping leaving me behind,  I used to hug her tightly and used to hold her clothes (or whatever part of her came in my grip),  so that no one could separate us. He appeared doing same thing to me today. He did not look at my face while doing all this, nor did he utter a single word.

His exhaled breaths started lowering my body temperature quickly. It was already cold in the room as the room-heater was not turned on and part of my body was now un-covered, which started loosing heat really fast. I was partially sitting till now, but now I laid down straight on the bed to make it more comfortable for both of us. My body started reacting to the coldness by showing symptoms like intermittent small shivering and vibrations. After one or two such sensations, he moved his hand a little up and down without moving his head. He was probably trying to check if my body was getting cold. After a few moments of his inspection, he instantly got up, picked up both the blankets from other side of bed, covered us in it and made sure that I was completely covered within the blanket and then got back to same position.

We both slept in same pose throughout the night. The room lights could not be switched off. His head was on my chest and he was probably hearing rhythms of my heart-beats. His hands were covering me and trying to get hold of me from both sides. He did not do anything else whole night, no other action or movement or kissing etc. His grip around me was a little loosen intermittently when he might have fallen asleep but he kept on tightening it at small intervals, I guess, whenever he woke-up after small sessions.

This whole incident is making me anxious, and worried. He has stopped talking. He has not taken anything since night (although I took a small bowl of Cornflakes and milk last night). He is not preventing me or stopping me if I want to go somewhere or do anything, but has also not said a single word since night. He even did not do the “things” he used to do during our bed-time daily. I am not even aware of what is troubling him. That’s even more painful.

This post will be published automatically at the scheduled time as I have to leave for the official get-together on Christmas, and I am one of the organizers so I have to leave early in morning today to do all sort of arrangements. I hope and pray to the Almighty, when I return back, our life is also back on the normal happy track. After all, if it is a “Merry Christmas” for everyone, why should it not be Merrier for both of us?

Needs (Part-1)

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“Hey ! Sweet-heart !!”, I hugged him from behind. He was standing near window, looking outside and probably lost in some deep thoughts. “What is bothering you? You don’t look happy.”

My touch pulled him out of his thoughts. He turned his head towards me, and tried to give me a faint smile to assure me that everything is fine.

“Are…..     you happy?”, he asked in reply to my question.

I was a bit surprised to hear it from him. Was he doubting me or my love and commitment to him? And then his question echoed in my mind.. “Am I really feeling happy?”. I could not get an instant answer from within to say “Yes” or “No”.

But besides any reservations for the honest answer, I had to convey him in positive tone. I needed to assure him of all possible support and love from my side.  I kissed on his cheek which was hardly a few inches away from my lips and tightened my grip around him to give him the confidence and a reason to trust on our relationship. I was just about to say “Yes! I am” but I got a little late.

The silence in itself is an answer sometimes.The delay in my answer was enough to serve as the answer.

“You need not to tell me.”, He said, “We need to be honest to ourselves.”

Perhaps he got the clue from the silence. There was a truth in his last statement. Every healthy relationship needs a solid foundation based upon the Truth and  the Trust. Honesty is still the best policy, no doubt. If you start wrong, you cannot reach right destination. Truth may be bitter, but it always bears positive results in the end.

(To be continued…)

First Crush (Part -1)

I felt a sudden strong vibration on the bed, and before I could understand what was wrong, I noticed his head resting on my lower back. I looked around and found that he had jumped over the bed like an uncivilized ape creating an earth-quake like situation on the bed.

Seeing him smiling on his stupid act, I ignored him and resumed my work on my laptop computer. He was all set, and planned. He slowly moved a bit over me to distract me and draw my attention. Obviously, his frequent movements, were not allowing me to type correctly.

“You must be very popular among your classmates, especially among the girls.”, He asked, while holding the book in his hands.

“Yeah… ! I was lucky to have good number of friends”, I replied casually. I could not understand the logic behind this question. Why all of a sudden he was interested in my student life today? I was puzzled, trying to figure out his actual intention behind this question. He hardly ever said anything which was useless or out of context.  I turned back to read his expressions.

Looking at my blank face, he tried to explain me, “I mean, you are already damn cute and sexy, with sharp and attractive features. You have a magnetic personality that attracts everyone. I am sure many girls would have been competing to get close to you.”

His explanation was again focused on “Girls” and I. There would definitely be something cooking in his mind,  but what exactly could it be? I was busy making all this sort of analysis and wild guess, and he was looking at my face.

Probably, he figured out my dilemma, and curiosity about his questions, so he added without further waiting for my reply, to make it more clear. “You know, when I saw you very first day when you entered this room for inspection, my eyes automatically started following you, unintentionally. I lost control over my thoughts and my senses. It was you who was controlling it after entering in this room. That day, I had prayed to the Almighty, to make it happen (to make you stay here with me) many times, and you see that my honest prayers were accepted and I am blessed with your company and friendship. You probably don’t know what charm do you possess! It’s invasive and contagious. Your presence impacts deeply, and penetrates through the heart, and that’s too within a very short interval. That’s why I was wondering, you know…., when you can make it happen to a rather rude, hard guy like me, how could have you managed to spend your time among girls, who are gifted with excess of emotions and sentiments. I am eager to know about your childhood, about your first crush, if you please don’t mind sharing it with me.”

He now sounded quite honest. I could see his intentions now, at least what he had portrayed to me.

(To be continued…)

A Little Fun !

Here is something on the lighter side…. Hope! you may like it.

1. Do you like Spiders?… For me.. it is like…

What about you, friends?

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2. Be careful.. about what you want…

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3. A brilliant student and sharp mind…

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4. Never…. under-estimate your “Friends” … they are the deadliest ones…

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5. And finally, something about.. how to sleep (or should sleep)?

So, which one you liked the most out of these 5?

Killer Silence-(Concluding Part)

(Continued from previous post…)

I tried hard to sleep, but could not succeed. Both the things were disturbing, his negligence and his unhappiness. I had also got accustomed to his pampering and embracing me during sleep for a long time now. It gave me a sense of love, care, safety and security, all in one. Now, all of a sudden, his bad mood was raising my tension level as I was threatened of loosing such a good and caring friend.

I slowly turned towards him, and sneak-peeked on his face to see if he was asleep. He was lying in same pose with his face opposite to me. He was awake. Noticing me above his face, he quickly cleaned the tears rolling out of his eyes. What the fu.k? He was crying, hiding from me. Definitely, I must be somehow involved in this. I was right in guessing, it was not just a health issue.

I got closer to him, and hugged him tightly from back. He did not react. But he moved his head away from me. I grabbed his chest, close to his arm-pits from my left hand (through which I was embracing him), to prevent him from escaping me, and slowly pulled him towards me. Our bodies were again in touch with each-other. I kissed him gently on his neck and then on shoulder as he was still facing the opposite direction. He still did not respond to my kisses.

I forced him to turn flat from the side pose, to which he initially resisted a bit but when I continued doing that he finally gave up. I got on top of him and hugged him tightly in my arms, and kept my head on his chest. I closed my eyes and kept listening to his heart beats. After a few moments, I felt his hand on my face. He slowly started pampering me like we do to kids. This gave a sign of relief to my restless heart. His heart-beats were also getting calmer and soothing. We kept hugging like this for a while.

I wasn’t sure what the matter was, but I was now sure, that somehow I made him cry. It was I who made such a loving, caring and darling person cry who had always been trying his best to keep me happy. The person who had always given preferences to my wishes, my choices, my needs, over and above his personal interests and needs. I had always been cruel to him and quite selfish too in this regard, and always over-looked his needs and mis-understood his feelings for me. All previous incidents when I had done injustice to him started floating in my mind. My eyes got watery in grief and I knew that I was again guilty somewhere, somehow.

“I’ m sorry“, automatically came directly from bottom of my heart, lying in same pose. There was no response from him, except that he continued pampering my head with his left hand.

He was still maintaining that silence. Even I did not want to say anything. I just wanted to get lost in that soothing and calming silence. I understood now that I made him cry, but what I did not know was what exactly my fault was. It was important for me to understand it and know it to avoid repeating it in future. I was about to ask it, but suddenly growling sounds coming from my stomach broke the silence between us.  He also noticed it, and asked, “Why have you not taken dinner yet?“

“I was not feeling hungry either“, I replied, embracing him even tighter. I felt slight vibrations on his belly, he was laughing on my reply. He knew we take dinner together always, barring a few exceptional cases. He knew I was lying. I heard his voice again, “Okay! I’m feeling a bit hungry now. Let’s have something to eat”.  His voice was again having that caring and loving touch. I kissed on his chest and got up and held his hand in my hand to take him with me.

After we finished our dinner, he said, “You should not lie, you are not good at it.” I was surprized to hear that, and was thinking, which lie from me might have upset him and caused him tears tonight? I usually refrain myself from all sort of lies, so I was curious to know, and asked him, “What are you talking about? When did I lie to you?” He smiled, and said, “That…when you said you are not feeling hungry while your stomach was crying loud for the dinner.“. I replied, “Oh ! That..!! That I learned from you. Didn’t you lie too?“. He maintained silence once again. I got the feeling that he was not so “normal” yet. He probably did all this to ensure that I do not have to starve all night. He might not have forgiven me truly yet, and might still be holding on to those grudges deep inside.

“I didn’t lie to you“, now he broke the silence.

“Really? Tell me how..?  When did you have your dinner?“, I asked.

He replied, “I did not say anything about dinner. All I said was that I had taken heavy snacks in office party.“

“I don’t believe you. You always call me well in advance to inform me about any such outside dinners, don’t you?“, I was confident and smiling on my intelligence to successfully catch his lie.

“I am really sorry as I could not inform you today. I was out of my mind.. kind of. But it is true that I had taken heavy snacks just a few hours back“, He replied. His reply made me wonder what could have caused him such a great setback so much so that he was “out of mind“, and forgot about informing me. I knew, he would not lie to me.

I was thinking all this when he continued, “I was in same food-court with my colleagues, where you two were enjoying at 5 PM.” He paused for a moment, and then continued, “BTW, I must agree, she is really a pretty girl. She looks better than her photo.” His voice was again diminishing, and trembling, probably he was getting emotional.

I recalled, I was in XXXXX Food Court at that time, with Divyangana, a colleague and a very good friend of mine. We developed a good understanding and our wavelengths match perfectly. I told him, “Oh ! That !!! She was Divyangana, one of my colleagues. It was her sister’s birthday this Sunday, so she took me out for a birthday treat. ” I paused for a moment, and then asked him, “If you were there, why didn’t you join us? We all would have had great fun together.“

The ice started melting now. He opened his mind, and said, “Firstly, it was a private party for two of you and I was not invited. Anyways, I did not want to interrupt the love-birds (He emphasized the word love-birds and stretched it unusually). I was disappointed that you had to hide your love and life from me, all because of my feelings for you.“

“Was this the only thing upsetting your mood?“, I asked him, looking into his eyes.

He lowered his eyes but did not say anything. There was again a deep killer silence in between us for sometime. I realized later that this silence could be deadly dangerous to a nourishing relationship at times. It gives a chance to grow misunderstandings. It also may lead to assumption of “acceptance” when there is no response and some answer is expected.

After some time, he uttered, “No, actually not. I felt insecure that I might loose you forever now. I started feeling anxious, low and as a loser when I saw you two together, smiling and enjoying a lot.” He paused for a while, and then continued,  “My fear of loosing you forever, which might happen  probably after 9-10 months, was turning into reality right in front of my eyes today. I found myself all alone, having a lonely life and that’s why I was so scared and depressed. But I know, I don’t have a right to snatch your share of happiness from you. I should not be so selfish.“

I kept hearing all silently. I was glad that he opened up and shared his true concerns with me. That’s the true power of a relationship, “The Trust“. When you don’t have any fears or hesitations. After he finished, I did, what I was longing to do for a long time since he entered the room. I kissed him on his lips, passionately and told him, “You are my stupid, jealous, naughty baby. You love me, but don’t trust me. No one can give me even fraction of love that you offered me. There is nothing in my life to hide from you.“

Later, this whole incident gave me a warning too. Why is this lack of trust between us?

I had other questions also running in my mind, “Don’t I have any right to enjoy my life with my colleagues, my friends or anyone for that matter? Don’t I deserve a little private moments?”

And the more glooming question that needs immediate solution is “How to solve these issues with insecurity, un-trust, and privacy?”

Killer Silence-(Part-1)

He entered the room, a little “late” from his daily routine. Probably, he might have got stuck in traffic jam or some other reason might have caused this delay.

When he returns from his office, there is always a cute smile on his glorious face, and he greets me with a flying kiss as soon as he enters the room. He usually is energetic even after running through so many stairs on 3-storey building. But it was not “normal” today. There was a fake, diminishing smile on his face with which he greeted me tonight. He did not make eye-contacts with me. No flying kiss either. His energy level were not “at par” with his “normal himself”.

He kept his laptop backpack on the bed, and went straight towards the wall hanger, where he started undressing his office uniform.

“Hey ! Are you alright sweet heart?“, I asked worriedly, and put my laptop down from my lap and went to him where he was putting his clothes after getting undressed, to check if he might have caught fever or something. His behavior, lower energy level, etc. were a point of concern for me.

I touched his forehead to see if body temperature was not high. It appeared normal. He was in his vest and underwear, and was attempting to put on his short.

“What happened? Is everything fine? Why are you so down today?“, I asked in a queue, uninterruptedly.  My tone was clearly reflecting my uneasiness and nervousness. He moved his head away from my hand, which was on his forehead. Strange ! He never behaved so rudely with me. It kind of hurt my feelings. I felt a kind of separation coming between us.It was kind of feeling of dis-owning something valuable. He had always been very sensitive to my feelings and cared a lot about  me, so it was something really abnormal about him today that he repelled me from him. Even when he was not feeling well, he never ignored my touch. I tried controlling my emotions, assuming he is really not feeling good right now. I got more worried about seriousness of the situation.

“I’m fine.“, his short and cold reply confirmed my doubts that he definitely was not fine. But his unwillingness to share the details with me was adding more pain to the problem. Considering his situation, I thought, probably it would not be a good idea to torture him by being a more intriguing person right now.

“Okay. You get fresh, while I serve the dinner.“, I asked him with a warm smile, trying to change the topic and his mood. “… Or, would you like to have a cup of tea before dinner? You may feel better.“, I looked at him to see his response.

Without looking at me, he replied, “Sorry..! I won’t be able to join you in dinner tonight. I am not hungry. I had already taken heavy snacks in office party a few hours back.” It was again an indication of some serious problem to me. He never did this to me. Even if we take something during our outings, we accompany each-other, even if it just a bite, if one of us want to taste something after returning home. It was never a direct “No” from him. He knew, that I would be waiting for him and will not start without him. In the past there had been couple of incidents where he had to attend a few official parties with his office staff but he made sure every time to inform me in advance. Not only this, he used to call me and follow-up with me during our usual dinner time whether or not I had taken my dinner properly. He made sure, even if he was unable to be there with me in person, he was still with me over a phone call when I was taking dinner. That’s why this answer from him today solidified my doubts that something was seriously wrong. But I was unable to find what was it?

When there is a tension, some people tend to eat more. For some, it is “hunger-disappeared”. I fall, mostly in second category. Even though I was starving, and was eagerly waiting for him to come back early so that we can start the dinner together, this new tension killed my hunger. I was still hungry, but I was not able to swallow anything down my throat. I was worried because this was not a simple issue nor it could be a small problem. I was getting more worried about seriousness of situation. There was a remote possibility of health related issues, but his abnormal behavior today was clearly pointing out it is not just a health-problem. All sort of negative thoughts and possibilities started puzzling my mind.

I was deep in my thoughts, analyzing the situation, and trying to figure out a solution, when I heard him saying, “I have headache, and I will sleep now.” After that he went to his bed, and lied down at the edge of the bed, keeping a distance between us and facing away and opposite to my side of bed. There was no possibility of dinner for me either. I also closed my laptop which I had left on the bed, and lied down next to him. After so many nights of his passionate touch and pampering, I was not feeling good when he created a distance. It was more of a emotional issue, than the physical one. I wanted to hold him in my arms, touch him, like he used to do to me, but was afraid of creating more problems for him.

I could no longer bear this killer silence between us. I looked at him, who was still lying in the same pose, away from me, and asked him in a soft voice, “Are you angry with me? Did I do something?“

There was no answer for a few moments, and then he replied, “No.“

There was not much to talk now, but there were plenty of things to be answered. This silence between us was killing me. Sometimes, Silence is more powerful than words or actions.  This was not a silence of words. It was a silence in our joyful, jovial, love life. It was a Killer Silence.

(Concluding part coming soon…)