My Journal (Part 2: Love Demands More)


Dear Diary,

Thanks for being there with me to discuss my Mann ki Baat. So, let me continue from where I left it yesterday.

I know how blessed I am to find such a loving and caring person in my life who puts me before him for all major and minor decisions in his life. It is reflected through his actions, not words. And when I see myself, unfortunately, I find myself doing injustice to that innocent loving kid who made “his Love”  the only mission of his life, i.e. me. Let me give you another example to explain it “How?”.

Today morning, having finished our breakfast and tea, he was getting ready for bath. He had already taken off his clothes and was wrapping his towel on his waist. He was just in his towel preparing himself to go for a bath. No doubt, his beautiful body always has that attraction which may make your eyes stop at him and you definitely would appreciate what you see.

towel

Suddenly, I decided to take bath before him and I knew if I would request him, he would be happy and ask me to join him in the shower but would not allow me to go alone and bathe before him. And that’s exactly I wanted- take shower all alone before him. To take a shower together would again be just a sex-game between us and would consume a lot of our time.

I silently picked up my undie in my hand hiding it from him, and moved to him and started a random conversation to divert his attention while I approached him. He was just about to enter the bathroom so I had to stop him from doing that. What else could have been better to ask him a random question?

As soon as I reached there, I made sure that I stood in between him and the bathroom door and then suddenly pushed him away from the bathroom door and locked myself in. He was agitated, a little upset on this unexpected trick to keep him in dark. His reaction on my pushing him back was “What the Fcuk ! ….what was that… That’s not fair”. He was baffled and felt cheated by me.

Reaction

He was pushed close to the bed where he had no option except to react on his losing situation with his arms stretched and asking for a justificaiton why did I do that. I locked myself in the bathroom saying, “I shall be back shortly darling”.

Now I realized there was a problem. I did not bring my towel. There was no time to pick up my towel. Further, it might have alerted him with my intentions. And I knew, he would not hand over a towel to me now. So, I had no option just to let my body dry a little and come out in undies. Droplets of water were running freely on my body. These drops cared the least if there was a small piece of cloth called underwear in between. My undie got wet in short time but I had no option.

When I opened the door, he was standing just outside to welcome me. Seeing my body almost wet, he smiled, and then un-wrapped his towel and started drying my body with his towel. While he was pat drying my body with his towel, he was standing in just his undies in front of me. His smooth chest was forcing me to embrace the appealing beauty in my arms. His muscular arms were busy in moving around my body and sometimes covering me in between. But he still refrained from crossing any limits I had imposed. He did not kiss me or embraced me.  His this very self-control has made me loose my self control now. Now I started missing his every loving, passionate hugging, embracing, cuddling etc. which were readily available earlier without any demand all the time. I was now habitual of getting that pampering, and love from him.

wet

He bent a little and pulled down my wet undie and dried my genitals. He picked up my penis with his left index finger and thumb and then with the towel in his right hand cleaned and dried my balls and then penis. He got down on his knees and was almost facing my penis. He grabbed the balls and penis in left hand and then inserted his right index finger covered with his towel to the area between anus and balls and gently rubbed it a couple of times to dry it.

It stimulated all my organs and my penis started growing at quick pace. His face was so close to my genitals that it was almost touching it. He was probably smelling it but with my penis coming in full size, it started touching his lips. He did not move away. He did nothing. Now my hard-on penis was pressurisizing his lips. He still did nothing just kept his head at the same place where it was in constant touch with my penis at his lips and his warm breath was directly falling on my penis.

It was more than enough for me to tolerate. His kind attention, boosted my emotional level and I started feeling more and more intensified love for him. I pulled him up, took off his undie to free the giant kidnapped in his undies and grabbed him in my arms.

guys2

He too covered me in his muscular arms and we kept hugging each other in same pose for a long time. I closed my eyes and started feeling him around me. He was everywhere, in and out, front and back, left and right.  I started feeling myself surrounded by his love and passion in all directions. His heart-beats were racing at high speeds, and so were mine.

After some time, he broke the silence and said, “I want to tell you something.”

He paused after that. Probably he was waiting for my response.

“Hmm… yea.. tell… what’s that.. besides your tight boner pushing my boner away that makes us equal now.. “,  I said jokingly with a smile without opening my eyes or moving away from his grip or loosing my grip on him.

He continued, “You know… I love you more than anything else. But I am afriad you may find my request offending, so please don’t be angry with me even if you don’t like it. I have to tell you this because I might not have another chance after a few days to tell you this.”

He was sounding serious. His grip tightened on me. He did not want to let me go. Probably he was expecting it to be my reaction after hearing him. It was tight but comfortable grip.

“Okay baba ! Tell me. I won’t be angry. I too tightened my grip on him. I wanted to assure him of same compassion and love that he has for me.”, and then kissed on his ear near my mouth.

“See… please don’t take it otherwise. I am telling you this because probably this could be my last chance before we are parted away after a few weeks. God knows, if you would ever come back to my life or if I will have to spend rest of my life only with your sweet memories. ….”, There was again a pause after this.

He started massaging my back with his hands without moving away or interrupting the hugging pose, and said in a slow but steady voice, “I am longing for anal sex with you.”

He was straight forward, precise, and to the point. After this there was an uninterrupted silence in the room. He continued caressing my back with his hands doing slow and gentle massage.

His confession was a suprize for me. It caused me a little shock and got my eyes wide open. My grip around him loosened a bit. He sensed it and said, “I know … you might have felt awkward and probably offensive too. And I am not forcing it on you. I have no right to [do that]. I can never force anything against your will. But I could not manage to live without telling you my inner feelings. I am somehow feeling a desperate need to have that intimate bonding between us that will make me fulfilled and content with my only life partner – You.”

He paused for a moment and then continued, “I know it may not be easy for you to think about it. So, I am ready and open for it. You may penetrate me, if you like.”

I was not in a position to say anything. We kept hugging for a couple of moments and then I moved away from him. He probably understood my emotional condition and that is why he did not say a word. Nothing was coming to my mind so I was already silent.

But there are many after thoughts plaguing my mind. And all of the conclusions I draw from the analysis are converging to a single point – “Does he not have a right to share his desires and satisfy his sexual needs?” . He is honest and frank. Should he be suffering and remain unsatisfied just because I don’t like anal sex or not sexually so active as him.

Most of the times, in our companionship, it was relatively very rare when I was aggressive and dominating in sex. Most of the times I allowed him to do whatever he wanted to do. Mostly I am sexually not agitated easily. I don’t get sex drive or sex desire easily. That means, even if I allowed him to proceed in sexual acts with me to satisfy his sexual desires, I played mostly a passive role and most of the time he was doing something to me, without receiving an active response. That kills the enjoyment. But what can I do? I rarely get sexual desires. My sex drive is not so high.  When there is no sex drive, it does not interest me or it does not come to my mind “what to do” as an active partner.  All I did was to allow him to quench his thirst for sex as a friend. The sex was again mostly foreplay or kissing, smooching and sucking or shagging in recent past.

In short, I mostly kept him “thirsty” and might have left him unsatisfied. In these past 10 months or so, he would hardly have got a chance to be with an active sex partner not more than just a couple of times.

Now when we are almost at the verge of closing this chapter, and he expressed his inner feelings what is my responsibility?

Dear Diary, I have shared all the details with you from time to time. Now you tell me, what is my duty for this friendship and how should I take it forward. Can you?

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A & R – (Part 2 : The Wait)


Finally, the day came in for which Aniket was eagerly waiting for last few days. It was the Sunday, presumably the first day of new week when he was expecting the Ramya to join him in as his roommate.  After all, this was the last statement of Ramya that he heared “I shall move in next week.” Sunday being the weekly off, no other day could be more appropriate for him to shift his residence.

The whole day passed as one of the other days and he did not show up. Aniket kept waiting eagerly for Ramya, but his hopes started diminishing with time after 5:30 PM. The mind was strongly suggesting no one can think of relocating to a new place at late night hours. But he was in no mood to give up. His frustration was going high. Whole day he had spent in just waiting for that person whose magical smile was constantly draining all his energy and attention all the time. He was unable to take that smiling face out of his mind which he saw when both of them greeted each other with a friendly smile before Ramya walked out of the room.

“This stupid fella ! How can one be so insane? Can’t he manage a simple thing like this? All it takes is just to pack his bags and move-in. He doesn’t understand the value of time ! He is wasting his and other’s time too. He does not have a right to kill my time and keep me waiting for him.”, he started blabbering out of frustration.

He looked at the table, where a packet of food items was waiting for his new guest. Aniket had planned and ordered the lunch for two expecting that he would appreciate his friendly gesture after a hectic relocation. He himself was hungry as he preferred to have it with him.  Hunger, endless waiting and disappointment made him a little bit rude and a little more than just a little-bit angry on his expected roommate, who was a “No Show” till 8 PM. “He should be prosecuted for this felony”, he suggested to himself, and once again that cute face with the magical smile flashed in his memories. It was really a magic that he was seeing this smiling face more clearly than what he had seen during his first meeting with Ramya sometime last week. That smile did the magic once again, and his bitterness and anger melted away instantly.

“May be he got busy in something really important and couldn’t manage it today.  Errrr…! I am so dumb. He did not say it was today. He just said ‘Next Week’. It was my fault to presume it today. And see… how mean I was to prosecute that innocent kid for my faults.”, Aniket was lost in his thoughts remembering Ramya’s face and finding a no reason to blame the innocent face with magical smile. He closed his eyes to see that face one more time more clearly.

He was enjoying that addictive smile when he heard the knock on the door. He looked at the wall-clock, it was ticking at 9:30 PM. “Could it be him now? … at this much late hours?”, he asked to himself. He stood up, adjusted his unsettled hair, and ran to unlock the door expecting and praying that it should be his long awaited roommate.

He grabbed the lock on the door, closed his eyes, inhaled a long fresh air, counted up to three to settle down his highly racing heart-beats and then unlocked it. He pulled the door open with a smile which he was practicing since morning. He wanted to welcome his guest with a smile for a positive and happy beginning.

A & R – (Part 1: The Beginning)


Aniket (अनिकेत) and Ramya (रम्य) met for the very first time, when Ramya entered the room he was planning to stay on shared-rent basis. Aniket was already sitting on one of the two beds in the room and was working on his laptop. The other bed was vacant and was waiting for its new owner. Aniket, being the only person in the room, had conveniently moved his bed right under the ceiling fan to enjoy maximum benefits of the it. The other bed was moved aside almost to the distant corner of the room.

Ramya entered the room after the landlord. He was a tall, handsome and attractive guy and was barely touching his twenties. There was this special charm in his personality and in his looks that made it difficult for others to move their eyes off of him easily. As soon as someone caught a glimpse of him, he or she was spell-bound to keep staring at him, until they were notified by a reverse stare which asked “What the hell are you staring at?”. It had now become a routine for Ramya since his childhood and he had learned to cope with it and ignore.

Same thing happened with Aniket. When Ramya entered the room, Aniket felt like suddenly the room was filled in with lively energy, with light and shine, and it caught his attention to Ramya, the source of this change, entering the room. It was Ramya’s aura that created that vibes in the room. As soon as Aniket caught a glimpse of Ramya, he lost his consciousness and link with the external world. This was only Ramya and him left in this universe. No thoughts, no actions, nothing at all was left except the two. He became all eyes feeding on his divine beauty.

Ramya was busy in inspecting the room and making decisions about whether he should take it or look for another room. Landlord was telling him salient features and benefits of living here. Suddenly he noticed someone on the bed staring at him. He looked back at Aniket who was now just a statue staring at Ramya. Eyes of both met for the first time and introduced each other.

Aniket’s eyes were full of tender of emotions which attracted Ramya. Ramya could not resist his urge to keep looking in his eyes which were speaking more than his attractive looks. Aniket himself was blessed with an excellent physique and sharp features. He had a very pleasant personality which complimented his attractive looks. He himself was an eye-candy, but for Ramya, it was his “speaking eyes” that caught his attention more than his looks.  There was something special that he felt in his eyes, and then the landlord asked him, “When do you want to move in?”.

Landlord’s question interrupted Ramya’s silent talks with Aniket through his eyes. It also alerted the Aniket who was lost till now to come back to his senses, as it was the moment when he feared he might loose a chance to see him again if Ramya’s decision was not in favor of staying with him in this room. It was just a couple of moments but they both knew what they wanted. Opposites attract.

With initial contacts of their eyes, where as it was passion, tenderness, and a lots of emotions with un-spoken bonding in Aniket’s eyes which attracted Ramya to Aniket, Aniket felt that “he” is the “only” thing that he wanted in his life. Aniket felt that he found everything in Ramya that makes him feel content and complete. There was nothing else left in his life after loosing himself through his eyes. His life long searches were completed in Destination Ramya. Ramya was the answer to all his quest for inner and outer peace and everything else. There was nothing else left for him to be obtained in life except Ramya.

“I shall move in next week.”, Ramya responded back to landlord and handed over some cash as a token of confirmation and down-payment of advance-rent. He looked back at Aniket, who was still staring at him but now he was not a statue anymore. When he looked back this time, both passed a smile to each other and Aniket started looking back to his laptop screen understanding the embarrassing situation of his staring at him.

He was happy that something he wished for was granted as Ramya had confirmed him joining as a roommate.

Tom & Jerry


Next day, Monday morning, I was waiting outside the bathroom. He took much longer than the usual to get ready today.

Knock… Knock… Knock… !!!

I knocked the bathroom door furiously. I tried to wake him up from the deep sleep, “What happened… are you asleep? What’s taking so long?? Come fast, I cannot hold pressure any longer.”

There was no response . After around 5 minutes, he opened the door and came outside. He was wet, wrapping his towel around his waist. Droplets of water were running through his chest.to his belly and below.

“What were you doing inside? Didn’t you know someone is waiting outside?”, I asked without waiting for his reply and ran toward bathroom.

“I know…that’s why I quickly came out without drying myself so that you do not have to wait anymore.”, he replied.

When I got a chance to get rid of natural forces which had occupied my mind till now, it then reminded me that he had been running to toilet frequently since last night. Probably that could be a reason why he took such a long time today.

When I came back, he was getting dressed for the office  and tucking his shirt in his  trousers.There was something special in his dressing style today. Even a blind person could notice it through his white shirt that he was not wearing a vest under it. Second thing which was prominently visible from his shirt was his erect and pointing out tent over his nipple I had bitten yesterday.

I went close to him, moved my index finger over his nipple, and asked, “What is this?”.

As soon as my finger touched his nipple, he quickly moved back as he might have felt an electrified shock through my finger.

His reaction and facial expression made me laugh hysterically. I had experienced that “painful” sensation when nipples remain sour and extra sensitive for couple of days after such love bites. Mine was rather a “revenge” bite, so it was natural to have extra “voltage” attached to it.

“What happened”, I asked after a few moments, when I could hardly control my laughter.

He just looked back at me from the side of his eyes, and kept staring at me for a few moments without replying. We both already knew the answer.

“What’s this? Are you going to office like this…without a vest? Want to flaunt your macho body? Hunk …eh?”, I winked at him with a smile.

“Yeah.. !  Thanks to you, I cannot wear any clothes. Even this shirt …when it touches here, it it takes my breath out and reminds me of your stronger dose of love”, he said pointing to his erect nipple.

After that, It became one of the most exciting and satisfying games for me till date. I hardly missed a chance, whenever I could, to knowingly rub my body against his nipple or slide my fingers over it and see his high-voltage reactions.  After a couple of times, it was more of a Tom & Jerry show, where he was trying to save himself from my “accidental” touch on his nipple.

 

Snippets from Personal Diary-2


(After the incident Immature and Childish, in continuation to first part published here).

[February 26th]

It has been more than 10 days since we are not talking to each other.

He is trying too hard, in different ways, to make it up but I don’t want to give him an easy rescue. He must be taught a proper lesson this time which he would not forget for a life time and will think twice before nibbling anyone’s nipples again.

Sometimes, when I come back from office, and I see him trying to please me, I feel pity on him. Am I being too hard on him? Was it such a big crime?

For initial two days, and two nights I had made a total cut off between us. I even did not allow him to touch me anytime. Although, I was now habitual of his pampering and cuddling with me before we sleep,  this separation was necessary to define the boundaries now.

It was not only him who could not sleep the first night. I was also feeling a bit un-easiness. There was something missing. That coziness was missing which became a routine when his body embrace my body.  That love and affection, that physical admiration, that compassion was missed which he made me feel every day and every night. But Priya, my new facebook friend had warned me to not to believe such perverts.  She also warned me that he will make all excuses and all stories to cover up the incident but I should be very careful in dealing with these things.

Second night, although it was hard to fall asleep without him, but I still managed to catch some sleep. I was tired and awake for two nights now. It was not that difficult to loose my control over my uneasiness.  But the strange part was that he was unable to sleep. He was also awake for 2 nights since this incident.  Today it was his third night too.

When I woke up @ 3 AM, I noticed him sitting on the other side of the bed, holding his head in his hands and seeing something amid the darkness of the room. Obviously, he was deeply troubled with something and was lost in his thoughts. He was left lonely again. It was a pity. I guess, I knew what could be troubling him.  I knew, I can make him feel calm, and make him fall asleep in a couple of minutes. I knew, he needed a hug from me and assurance. I knew I need to tell him, “Don’t worry ! I am with you.”,  but no, I could not say that to him.

I cannot forgive him, even if I am also missing him. He did a wrong thing and he needs to be taught a lesson.


 

[March 1st]

He is creative and innovative.

He knows how to grab my attention. It is more than two weeks now since we are not talking except something very important. Actually, it is me who is not talking. He had been trying to talk to me since the next day of that incident.

He had been apologizing in different ways. And now, even I feel like that it is unfair to him.  I am surprised why is he doing it? If I was him, I might not have given that much importance and definitely would not have followed to make up with my friend who is showing such an attitude.

But he is far more compassionate and better human than I am.


[March 5th]

Changing climate, or hormonal changes, don’t know what is it causing me a hard-on since last night. I have been trying my best to settle it down but this stubborn piece of me does not know to sit down calmly once agitated.

He is also probably aware of it too. He is passing smiles since morning seeing glimpses of hard-on popping out of my shorts.  I understand what his mischievous smiles mean.  I feel a bit awkward with the situation. It drains all the energy and draws all the attention to only one part of body when you get a hard-on.  I am unable to focus on anything.

I have been running quite a lot today to the toilet to empty my bladder frequently expecting probably it could help me get rid of tension in my private part. But it did not help. It helps temporarily for a very short period of time.

“He” also enjoying it a lot. He is not leaving a stone unturned today to make me feel miserable without him. As a matter of fact, this hard on and my sexual agitation is making me desperate for him. I really need him badly but I do not want to give him a chance to think that I may need him.

I tried diverting my attention away from my hard-on so that with attention away from it, it slowly comes to normal state, but it could not happen. I also tried sleeping in the after-noon on my stomach so that with pressure of my body, the flow of extra blood circulation may get controlled and my hard-on would slowly dissipate. But it went futile. Rather it got more adamant and I could not sleep even for a second. There was another reason to sleep on my stomach instead of sleeping on my back. I was feeling awkward with a popping out tent and pulsing out movements in my shorts, which were drawing un-due attention of my roomie.

We are not talking to each other. But he does not need to talk to leave his effect on me. His glance over my crotch when he passes by, is enough to draw attention of my sleeping penis.

When  I woke-up after a failed attempt to sleep in the afternoon, I saw him coming out of bathroom wrapped in a towel. His attractive smooth body, fueled the fire igniting my sexual desires which were already quite out of control since last night. His fair, toned flawless body and mesmerizing smile made me plead for his help. He was doing it deliberately. He was exploiting my weakness.

I quickly removed my eyes off his body. His charming body had already left its impact on me and my body parts. He tricked me again. He pulled off his towel wrapped around his waist and started actions of erotic pole dancer, a dance of a gigolo. It had an instant effect on my already hard-on penis to make it super-hard. Although I was not directly looking at him but I was able to notice his movements clearly. After pulling off his towel, he held it between his legs across his body and started dancing in Salman Khan’s style. He was only in his undies.

When I looked back at him, he started the gestures of erotic pole dance and passed me flying kisses and simultaneously pulled his ears and asked for my apologies once again. I could clearly read his lips saying “Sorry !”. His penis was also dancing in full swing with every flexible curly movement of his body. It was not difficult to notice his hard-on from his undies.

Not to mention, he had been innovative in putting the things creatively. His charm worked again and my hard-on was out of my control. His action, style of apology and dancing penis, along with my hard-on brought a wide smile on my lips. He started coming forward toward me, and I instantly moved my eyes away.

I did not want him to come close to me at this highly risky situation. My self-control was on test. All my efforts for last 14 days or so were at stake. All the hard-work I had done to make him learn a lesson and make him realize the severity of his actions was at the risk of loosing its significance with a small mistake from my side.

I have to control myself. I just don’t know how.

(To be continued…)

Snippets from Personal Diary -1


(Snippets from my Personal Diary after last incident : Immature and Childish)

[February 20th ]

Introspection

There is complete dis-connection between us. I am disappointed, but why?

It feels bad if someone makes you feel incompetent, or inferior. But that is not my primary concern. Because I know his allegations of me being Childish and Immature are not true this time.

I am feeling “lack of love” for him. Rather there is a disappointment and wrath. I am now fed up.


[February 22nd]

Lately, I noticed that I have been paying too much thoughts on after-maths of being Childish and Immature.

Even though, I was a little disturbed initially when Ashvith, one of my online friends, had also used same words as that of my roomie to assume that I must have behaved immaturely “again”,  but now, I am feeling un-affected with anyone’s opinion on it.  I am this time, confident and sure they “are” wrong.

In fact, I am not concerned with anyone’s feelings or thoughts now. I care the least what others think about me. If I am Childish, let it be. It is better to remain un-matured than behaving like un-reasonable matured people who don’t understand how their acts are going to impact others adversely.  It is better to remain childish and immature than being judgmental and prejudiced.


[February 24th]

I need to understand why I got so tensed and upset with his biting.

It was nothing new, although he rarely did it, but he had done similar act earlier too. Although it was very strong and painful this time.

Mostly, when we are influenced with impulses, and our emotions take us out of control such things happen which make us over-react. He might have over reacted by not putting a control on his emotions and actions, which might have caused me un-bearable pain.

I might have over-reacted to his love bite and subsequent apologies.  But I am not wrong in this time because it must be tamed before it gets out of control or if it is taken for granted. While doing sex, we must respect the partner’s pleasures and preferences.  He always did it in the past. He relinquished his strong desire to proceed with anal sex, once I hinted him my unwillingness to do that. Why now?

My point of concern are two fold : He had been very sensitive to me and my happiness all the time. He had given preferences to my choices, my happiness, over and above his own desires most of the time. Almost in 90% cases, when there was a conflicting choice, he opted and followed what would make me happy, no matter how badly he wanted it otherwise.

Why then he did not notice how severe pain he caused me with such a hard bite and that’s too on such a sensitive and soft part of the body?  Or, was it intended ?

No ! I still cannot believe that he could be so cruel to me. My heart does not approve this possibility. What was it then? I need to find the answer.

Second thing is – my reaction. Was it over-reaction? I slapped him tightly. I could clearly see my fingers imprinted on his face for a long time. He did not react to this. Probably because he was at fault. But was it appropriate for me to slap him so hard?

Then why am I feeling so agitated about this whole thing?

I guess, it more of a frustration accumulated over a period of time because of his habits. His habit of touching my body, playing with it every night or pampering with me every night before we sleep. And some times even beyond that.

To some people, it may sound  like a dream come true. But it only can make you feel happy when you enjoy it. Most of the times, I have to allow him unwillingly, just because I want to see him happy. Because I don’t want to snatch away his happiness or his cause of happiness from him. Something being repeatedly forced on me (by myself because of him) made me revolt to him that day.

I am a human being, not an object. I want my friend to like me, love me, talk to me because of me and not because of my body. If my body is more satisfying and important for someone, then definitely,  it is a problem.

He might be loving me. But is his love for me just a manifestation of his love for my body? At least now I feel so. This is bad, and probably that’s the very reason why I started feeling bad.

Now I realize, and understand what some of my online friends had warned me. A relationship should not have any favor between the partners to sustain. In fact, there should not be any favors felt by any of the parties.  You do it not to oblige your partner, but because you feel a need to do so. You never actually do a favor to your partner.

I felt obliged by his favors on me and his help at the hard times and that’s why probably I surrendered to his desires unwillingly to make him feel happy. Sex  (or even foreplay and admiring the beauty of your partner) is necessary but it depends a lot on both the parties involved in it.  I was paying my debts. This frustration came out in the form of wrath and disappointment.


(To be continued…)