[6-Oct-2016, New Delhi Railway Station, 1800 Hours]
While waiting for my train, I am writing this post for my eDiary from Railway Platform. I told him today on the phone that I am leaving for my home tonight for couple of days. He was in his office in the afternoon when I informed him of my decision. He was quite upset that I kept it a secret and did not tell him about my plans to visit my family on long weekend.
He was upset that I am telling him now at the last moment before leaving the apartment (and him). I know, it is unfair. Such surprises are least expected and hurt the feelings of people emotionally attached to us. It is also true that I had got my leaves approved a few days back and had got my ticket reservation confirmed under Tatkal scheme the same day.
I kept it a secret deliberately, because I did not want him to accompany me in this visit to my family, for which he was keenly interested for a long time. He had been planning for our visit together to my parents and to meet them in person for a long time. He was invited quite a lot of times by my Mom to visit them. They started treating him like their elder son now, which had been a point of concern for me. I felt jealous of him, a little insecured of my position in my family since he had been given this status of being my “Big brother” and “Care taker”. He was grabbing attention and my share of love from my parents. Being the only son, I have always received un-divided attention and love from my parents. I am not accustomed to sharing that love with anyone.
We had a small fight over phone call and he hung up the call after that. I called him back, but he did not answer my calls.
He wanted to come with me to railway station at least to see me off tonight, but I did not allow him even for that. Now, I am feeling bad on my part because I realize that I had been very mean to him and did something very in-appropriate to our level of friendship and understanding. I did not give us a chance for a proper “Good Bye” before leaving.
I had a little extra time that could allow me to wait for him in our home as my train was scheduled for departure at late hours. But I was afraid of not to miss my train due to traffic jams and chaos in New Delhi, especially in peak traffic hours on last working day of the week, just before the start of long weekend offering almost 5 continuous holidays in some parts of India. Most of us working here in Delhi NCR would have already planned for a trip to our home, and would be heading towards Railway station soon after office hours. I took buffer time to be on safer side.
He had told me many times, that I am the only family to him. He had told me that he feels a close attachment with my Mom, as she blessed him with same love and affection that he used to get from his mother. He found his lost mother in my mother.
I believe my insecurity and fears were to be blamed for all this mess that I created in our relationship. I am sorry my darling. I regret my injustice and wrong doing to you. I now realize how mean I was to you. But it is too late now.
My fears are also genuine. I am from a relatively smaller city, where we still do not have that liberal and modern thinking. The people in that city are still orthodox, and pay attention to small details. He (my rommie) is intelligent, but at times stubborn too. He becomes crazy at times. His actions, public display of affection, touching me, or slip of his tongue may create problems for me in front of my friends or family. These are the people who know me from my childhood. For them, I was a shy guy who had never been seen bare-chested or in his inner-wear, forget about touching my body. Where as my roommate has explored almost every inch of my body quite a few times, which is now almost a daily routine for us. I don’t know which action might get noticed by my parents or friends and might raise points of suspicion for our relationship beyond a common friendship level.
My fears are also not baseless. He has been addicted to this thing (I guess), and unless he holds me tight in his arms, or unless he is constantly touching part of my body, or hugging me, he cannot sleep. He does not allow us to get separated even when we are asleep. There is hardly a single moment gone, when he was not touching my body or holding me in his arms. If by any chance, this connectivity breaks, I noticed that he grabbed me again in couple of moments, and more tightly than before. I could not understand if he really sleeps for a single moment in night or just keeps on exploring my body or feeling the touch of my body whole night. I cannot take risk of exposing this abnormality to my friends and family. There will be a large gathering in our home to celebrate the Durga Puja, and some of our distant relatives visiting us will be staying in our home. This is not a big house, so everyone would be accommodated by sharing the rooms or probably sharing the beds.
My enthusiasm to meet my beloved parents, and loving friends after such a long long time was now fading away. I know I am guilty, but I am feeling bad for my mistakes, that made him upset during this festive season which is the time of spreading happiness and smiles.
I was deep in my thoughts and was thinking how to correct my mistakes now. One of the options was to cancel my journey to go back to him, which might probably show him that I regret my wrong doings and that he still holds that special status in my life. But, it was also true that I may not get this opportunity again. Meeting the family and friends after a long time, with so many holidays in continuation was making me greedy and selfish. I miss love of my parents and company of my friends for a long time and haven’t met them in past 5+ months now. I was not able to decide anything among endless loops of thoughts. I could not find any solution and time passed.
I was feeling terribly sorry for doing injustice to someone who loved me beyond any limits. Not only this, I was too mean and selfish that I could not see that I am depriving him of the happiness and love he deserved. My fears were acceptable but my distrust on him was not acceptable at all. I was so tightly tied to my prejudices that I did not even consider giving him a chance for fair trial or to prove himself non-guilty. I assumed him guilty without even giving him a chance to stand for himself. He was being punished for my presumptions.
I started feeling a heaviness in my heart, out of guilty feeling, and decided to cancel my trip to my home town. Although it was not a good idea either as there were a lot of people who were eagerly waiting for my arrival for days. As he was not answering my calls, I sent him following text message (SMS) :
“I m sorry ! Pls. forgive me. If u r not happy, I will cancel my journey. We will plan a visit togethr nxt time”
I kept on waiting expecting to get a reply back or receive a call but there was no response from him. After around 40 minutes of waiting, I sent him another message, “I am coming back home.” I waited for 10 more minutes. There was no response this time either.
I made up my mind to cancel my trip and to go back to roomie. I could probably explain my parents and friends that due to some unavoidable circumstances I had to cancel my journey at the last moment but I would not be able to stand with myself knowing that I crushed his feelings and trust on me and reciprocated him with selfishness and distrust.
I packed my laptop in the bag, and started moving towards exit with my laptop bag on my back. All of a sudden an announcement with my name attracted my attention. “Mr. XXX(my name) from XXXX (city where I was sharing room with my roomie), who is traveling to XXX (my home-town), please contact Mr. YYYY (my roomie’s name) outside the inquiry counter on Platform 1”
(To be continued..)