“Why are you looking so sad for a couple of days?”, asked my Roomie trying to cheer me up.
“Naah ! It’s nothing.”, I replied, trying to cover up the disappointment spread on my face, my attitude and my actions.
“Are Mom and Dad alright?”, he asked again, putting down the glass of water on the table he was sipping through.
“Yeaa..h. ! everything is fine. No issues buddy”, I responded with a fake smile this time.
By this time, he was standing right behind me. I felt his magnetic charm, when his arms embraced me from the back. His magical smell is always doing good cheer me up. He kept his chin on my shoulder and said, “Then… what is wrong?”
After a moment, he came forward and gave me a tight hug, and asked, “Why is my sweet heart looking so down for so many days? Did I do something to make you feel like this shit or are you feeling home-sickness?”
His magical touch has that healing effect that always brings life back on the dead. It worked for me, all the time. I needed it the most at this point in time. It was a huge psychological pressure I was going through, and it was killing me inside.
“I feel, I don’t deserve you.”, I busted. My head was on his shoulder and I was literally crying. Sometimes, it becomes out of control to bear such emotions, and impulses start flowing through tears. Although, I don’t like such things to happen with me in front of anyone. But, it happened, and in front of my Roomie.
He kept hugging me silently. And then, I felt his hand caressing my hair. There was a complete silence for a while. Then his voice echoed in my ears, “That’s absolutely right. You don’t deserve me at all. You deserve much better, actually you deserve the best.”
He parted me away from his chest, looked into my eyes which were all teary, wiped off the tears rolling out on my cheek and then said, “But tell me… how this thing came to your tiny mind all of a sudden?”, and patted on my head with a smile.
I asked him sobbingly, “You know, I am maintaining an online Diary about us?”
“Yes, … so?”, he was curious to know further. The tone of his voice and level of his curiosity was raised after hearing the word “online Diary”. He knew that I am maintaining this eDiary about us, but probably he was curious to know “how it made me cry ?”
I continued, “I love to interact with my readers. Their frank opinion and suggestions have been proven very helpful to me so far. That’s why I keep on collecting their inputs through various posts, polls or comments, and try to improve myself, wherever necessary.”
He was still looking at me. I continued, “Recently I requested inputs on a similar thread through my FB page. The request was made to my eDiary readers to caste their votes for a preferred choice between you (my Roomie) and me. The results were astonishing!”
There was a smile floating on his face now. That made me smile too. His smile is contagious, and it is the only thing I want to see all the time.
I continued, “It was not surprising to find that majority of my readers were on the side of my Roomie. They loved him, adored him, and had empathy with him. It was fine, and I liked it. Because my readers, were seeing him through my eyes. It was natural to have a similar feelings for him.”
“Then?? What is the issue?”, he was also surprised now.
“It was a little surprising to find out, that for some of my dear readers, I was the culprit. They portrayed me in the darkest shades of no less than that of a villain. That was something uneasy for me to digest. I got a few such feedback, where I was made to believe that I am a real villain, heart-less, emotion-less, self-centered and may be an opportunist.”, I replied.
“Aah ! So … you are blowing yourself off with these non-sense things? You are as dumb as those few fellas who gave you such inputs”, he attempted to make it a little bit of fun-filled environment. He wanted to cheer me up.
“My diary (this blog) is reflecting some of the important real life incidents between us. This also reflects our personality to some extent, my thought process, and value-system. In short, I have tried my best to stay as close as possible to the real life, whether it be any incident between us, or my thoughts on some arbitrary topic. If my readers, somehow, feel that I am a villain, a heartless, emotionless, self-centered, opportunist, it cannot be ignored in vain. There ought to be some rationale behind it.”, I opened my heart.
He went silent for a moment, and then asked me, “What could have made them believe that you are such a villain and that I am such an innocent, angel?”
He did not give me a chance to answer it. He explained it himself, “None of your readers personally know you. They haven’t even met me, your Roomie in real life. They met us through this eDiary, Right? “, and looked straight into my eyes for a confirmation. I nodded in confirmation.
“So, whatever they know about you or about me, has to come from your eDiary and their own value-system, that decides what is a good-value and what is a bad-value for them in their lives.”, he explained in easy to understand and with perfectly logical reasoning.
When almost everyone liked my roomie more than myself, it was actually a reflection of my love for my roomie, and not their own choice. That was true to a great extent. This was also true that when we love someone, we see all things positive in that loved one. We might be influenced and biased sometimes. When we write about our love, we only create a sketch of him with all such positive things which influenced us, which might be far away from the reality. But that’s how the love and emotions work. That’s why Love is blind.
“But preference of my roomie over me was never a problem for me.”, I said.
“The problem was with the ‘villain’ part. People reading my eDiary are not related to him (my roomie) or to me. They ought to be honest. If the feedback is an honest feedback, I don’t really deserve an angel like you. I too strongly feel the same. I have seen many times how generous and loving you are to me and what the hell in return I offered to you? Absolutely nothing.”, warm droplets of tears rolled out once again on my cheek when I finished the line.
“Hmmmm….. and ‘Who’ made them believe so with his ‘Creative’ writing skills?”, he asked with dancing eyebrows. “Tell me.. Who?”.
I got the gist what he was trying to explain, but my heart and my mind were not accepting it. I have seen him going exceptionally beyond the rational limits for my happiness. I have seen him compromising on his needs and his desires, his preferences for a long time… all just for my happiness. I have seen him putting his life and career at risk to save my life, and that’s too when I always rejected him, and told him that he needs to behave reasonably and identify his limits. I had made him clear many times that I did not have similar “love” or feelings for him as he bears for me, but he did not think for a second to choose me before his own life.
And what in turn I had given to him? Just the Rules and Regulations and a list of terms and conditions, which were as restrictive as my mind in accepting him to be my life partner in initial time. He agreed to all without any reluctance. Had it not been that life-turning incident and a few of my online friends who guided me from time to time, and helped me see through the things clearly with an alternative perspective, I would not have been able to change my mindset. That proves that I was a villain, and also a self-centered person.
I was amid all these thoughts, and he probably caught the vibes that I am not fully satisfied with his last argument, he now explained to me and said, “We all see the things from our own perspective. We have limitations to see the things. Sometimes we strongly believe in ourselves that even the truth appears to be false because it does not fit on our prejudices or assumptions.”
He paused momentarily, and said, “You are no villain. Believe me. You are an innocent child from you heart, and gem of a person. I am not saying it to please you. Your honesty and simplicity attracts everyone, even if we ignore your charismatic personality and beauty that can attract even the blind people to you. “
“When you told me about your first crush during your school life, and also during visit to your home during Durga Puja, I noticed how everyone in your friend-circle was hovering around you all the time. Do you think only physical attraction is capable of producing that magical effect? Why the hell everyone feel so compelled to be with you and around you all the time? Do you think anyone would care and feel such an affection to a person who is self-centered, egoist or a villain? Naah !… “, he paused, took my hand in his hand, and then said, “It is your modesty and humbleness that you don’t give yourself a credit for it. It is your nature to value others more than yourself. And believe me, I rightly said, I really don’t deserve you. You deserve whatever is the best in this universe. But I am getting selfish here, and I feel really blessed that I got you.”
He continued, “You ARE beautiful, extremely beautiful. No doubt in that. Every inch of your body has that heavenly beauty overflowing from it. I never felt that attraction for any male before seeing you. I have never seen such divine beauty earlier. I don’t feel attracted to any other males except you. But mere a glimpse of you when you first entered this room made me forget who I was and that I was in a relationship with a girl for 4 years. I was happy with her, and loved her company before seeing you. We were even planning for marriage. But that physical attraction in my girl-friend and all desires to settle down with her disappeared after I saw you for the first time. I could not take you out of mind for days, even though I fought hard and tried everything to keep myself away from you. That’s the charisma of your personality and your aura. You won’t ever realize it because it impacts others not you. The Sun does not know the virtues of its being the Sun. That’s the beauty of it. That’s is the selflessness. Let me tell you my little secret today. My biggest fear and insecurity is because of this thing. As I know that I don’t deserve you, I am afraid that you might leave me alone, for ever, someday. I cannot bear that mere thought of getting separated from you even for a moment. The mere thought of getting separated from you gives me shiver down my spine. I cannot imagine my life without you even for a moment.”
My hand was still in his hand, and he was massaging it intermittently with his fingers. His voice was very calm and deep. He was holding my hand firmly as if he was really afraid that I may run away from him. After this we both stood silent for a while, and I moved forward to hug him and then rested my head on his shoulder, which have always been there whenever I needed it for a support.
I could not digest completely what all he told me, especially his last few paragraphs. That may be his exaggerated reality or his personal views and opinion, which sounded like very biased and influenced to me. But after talking to him, I was feeling much better about “Villain” thing.
I still could not completely rule out those possibilities of “Selfishness” , “Self-Centered Person” and “Being Villain to my roommate than being a good friend to him”.
I, therefore, request my dear readers, who have gone through my eDiary, and various ups and downs of my love-life through various chapters of my this eDiary, to please share your candid feedback on it, which may help me find the improvement-area and help me to be a better person and more useful friend to my roommate.