Immature and Childish

It was weekly off next day so we had some time to spend together for the only entertainment available to us in this closed room – watching movies. Getting up early next day was not a constraint for us.

inarms

He pulled me to rest my head on his shoulder and started playing with my hair. We both were watching movie on my laptop which was kept on a small table opposite to our bed.

“What are you watching?”, he asked.

“A friend shared it with me and asked to watch”, I gave him a short reply. I was busy in watching that streaming show and did not want any interruptions. I like his cuddling and hugging me, but sometimes tend to de-value the things which are rather easily available to us. His cuddling and caring nature has become a routine for me. It’s available in abundance to me. Naturally, it was not my priority at the moment. The movie show was and I wanted un-deviated attention.

I grabbed his hand in my right hand and pulled it down to my shoulder, over my chest.

It was a bigger mistake. It did not take me another moment to realize my mistake. Now his hand was over my more sensible part, Nipple. He is very well aware of my this shortfall. His fingers were probably aware of its favorite playground and started dancing automatically over my right nipple. One… Two.. and Three… Third rubbing was enough to send wake-up signals to the fighter sleeping down comfortably in my underwear. It came out of its deep sleep after stretching itself.

All my attention was diverted to my growing hard-on and his fingers on my nipples. I knew if I would ask him to stop, he wouldn’t. Rather he would find more naughty ways to do the things which I asked him to stop. The only wiser way could be to deviate his attention from what was currently running in his mind.

I grabbed his hand in my hand brought it to my mouth and kissed it. And then, I started telling him the plot of the serial I was watching. “This is a very interesting series. An online friend of mine shared the link with me and asked to see the complete series. This is the story of two friends ….blah blah blah… “, he kept hearing what all I was telling him. He usually pays full attention to what I said. That’s a good virtue of his personality as I know whatever I am saying is being paid attention to. He was looking at my face, and probably understood why I was telling him this long… elaborated version of the story as I saw intermittent smiles floating on his face.He kept looking on my face but I could not dare to look consistently in his eyes. His eyes were able to penetrate and find the truth easily.

He did not utter a single word, just kept hearing me patiently. His hand was still in my hand close to my mouth.After I finished telling him the plot of the serial,  I looked back at him. He was still looking at me. He smiled and gave me a peck.on my cheek, and then we started watching the serial together.

It was a gay themed serial. Although most of the parts were clean (no adult contents) but there were a few intrinsic scenes (very limited) between the two main male characters in the first 10 episodes we watched together. Those intrinsic scenes also may not be counted as the adult contents as it did not have any nude scenes.There was only half nudity on upper half body.

As soon as one of those intrinsic scenes started, his left hand reached my underwear. He slowly grabbed my penis and started massaging it gently. He was gentle and slow to avoid any over-flows (ejaculation). The scene was over after a couple of moments, but his massaging once started, did not stop.  From 10:30 in the night till 1:30 AM he continued rubbing and massaging my penis in different ways and strokes consistently till I finally decided to sleep. I tried taking his hand off but he was not willing to let it go. Neither did he sleep, nor he let my penis sleep.

Needless to say, I could hardly understand what happened on the screen of my laptop after 10:30 PM. I could not understand the episodes, the characters and their dialogs after his hand reached my penis. More I tried hard to move his hand off my penis or get myself out of his grip, more strongly he came back on me. It was clear to me that my such efforts will not only be useless rather may provoke him to go out of controls.

I was annoyed, frustrated. But it was not the time to discuss it. We have already had discussion on similar incident and the result was not favorable. He mostly controls his desires and respects my choices and preferences. I strongly believe that we should avoid expressing our concerns when we are at boiling point. An agitated state of mind does not let you see things clearly and is mostly damaging. My temperament was shooting much higher than the tolerance limits. His attitude had also shown that he was getting out of control and helpless to control his sex-drive tonight. I finally pulled his hand off forcibly, pushed him away and got up from bed quickly and moved towards the table where laptop was kept. I shut down the laptop and went to the bathroom to relieve myself.

When I came back, he was already laid on his side of bed and was waiting for me. He had taken off his T-shirt and shorts, and was only in his undies, as usual. I changed my expression to show him my unwillingness and unhappiness with his forced action on me. I wanted him to know that this was something that really pissed me off. I came back to my bed, and get laid on the bed facing away from him.

He cannot sleep unless he is touching me. He moved slowly toward me and started cuddling with me. I did not give him any response. But he was already in some other mood, probably under influence of high dose of adrenaline and testosterone, which were forcing him to think in only one direction.

He pulled me to to his side and made me lie straight on my back. I was reluctant to this and tried resisting him, but couldn’t succeed. He folded my T-Shirt and then inserted his hand inside my T-shirt to play with my nipples. To curb my increasing resistance, he seized me up in his firm grip.  The situation was turning ugly for me and my condition was more like a prey in Anaconda’s grip.

sleep-sed

This rarely visible Avtaar of him was not unknown to me. I understood the gravity of the situation. I knew, I couldn’t win him over through force or violence.  He is physically stronger than me. His right hand fingers were now playing with my left nipple. His half arm was touching my body from chest to belly. My legs were captured in tight grip of his thighs. I tried to take his hand out but I failed miserably.  It only provoked him to apply more force to overcome my resistance.

My condition and helplessness made my eyes wet. I was not only helpless but also disappointed. Forced sex is never a pleasure. He was probably in full mood to do a lot more. He raised my T-shirt a little more to uncover my nipple and took the right nipple in his mouth. He sucked it twice and each time the intensity of suction was increased.  I tried to push him away, and this time he used his teeth instead of his lips on my nipple. It was painful. It was cruel.

The intense pain from his biting  got my hand free from his grip and I gave him a tight slap. The effect of slap was that he took his teeth off my nipple but he did not let my nipple come out of his lips. He started pressing my nipple with pressure of his lips. This was even more painful. A moment ago the same spot was bitten by his teeth and now he was pressuring it with his lips. I cried foul but it did not affect him at all. He continued chewing it vigorously.

The effect of my resistance was more damaging. He cuffed my both the hands with his left hand and then first he pulled down his own underwear with his right hand, and then mine too. He could not take off my underwear completely, but he pulled it down to my knees. And then he came on top of me.

He kissed me on my neck, and then on my cheek before he finally started moving his ass to rub his already hard cock against mine. He kept sliding it against my cock till it got fully erect and then he moved down to work back on my same nipple. Now his cock was in between my thighs and he was trying to rub it against my thighs and to push it in between the thighs. My legs and feet were locked in his grip. I was totally under his control from head to toes. He kept sucking my same nipple for a good deal of time, while locking me from top to bottom in his grip.

It was an ugly incident happening again, leaving behind very disgusted feelings and experience. I was feeling crushed, exploited, un-happy. I was feeling getting raped again.  Moreover, it was more damaging and disheartening, because this time it was not an unknown rapist. It was being done by the same person who had earlier saved me. It was the same person who was sensitive to my feelings and cared about my preferences more than his own. It was the same person who had been sacrificing his own preferences, his needs an his desires time and again,  in order to see a smile on my face.

It left me devastated, shocked !  Obviously, I was once again feeling lonely and lost in this world. I had lost my friend who was more than just a friend to me, a big brother and a trust-worthy partner. There was only an emptiness and hollowness left behind when he left me.

Next morning, was not like the earlier ones as it used to be till yesterday. There was an unbroken silence with me. This was the only thing available to me after a broken trust and partnership.

“What happened?”, he asked shaking my hair with his right hand and leaning over me to give me a good morning kiss. I was sitting on my side of bed with folded legs, surrounded with un-welcoming and un-pleasant thoughts and memories after last night’s incident.

I moved away my head to avoid any further touch of his body. My mind was surrounded with thoughts, and thoughts… and thoughts… all sort of thoughts and memories, still I had nothing to say. All my emotions, good or bad, and memories were running like water from my eyes.

“What Yaar  !….. you always act childish and immaturely in this matter? What is it now?”, his allegations were adding salt to the existing pepper. “What have I done now?”, he asked again. It was useless to tell him if he really did not know.

There were numerous attempts from him in different styles to bring me back to “normalcy”, but all in vain. It has been more than 5 days now, and we did not have a single word. I prefer to take dinner separately. Intentionally come late from office to avoid him and then get busy with my laptop.  He is still trying hard to patch-up with me. He still tends to touch a part of my body so that he can sleep, but now I don’t allow him at least anywhere above my knees to touch me even accidentally.

For first two nights, when I did not allow him to touch me at all, I could see he had problem in sleeping. He was uneasy whole night, and next day he was dull and lethargic. The second day it was worse. Finally we are sleeping in East-West directions, and he still ensures and tries his best that some part of his body whether his arm or his head or his hand somehow keeps touching my feet or lower leg during sleep.He still comes to know when this connectivity breaks and re-establishes the connection instantly.  I hesitantly allowed him this third night onward because I don’t want him to suffer at work or fall sick because of improper sleep.

My condition was not good either. It took me time to settle down emotionally. I am still recovering from the shock and set-back. I was shocked with his attitude. How could this person, who could not see a tear in my eye, cause me pain and enjoy it?  Was all his affection and love an emotional drama?  He never ignored my preferences or my likes and dislikes so far, then how could he ignore what he was doing to me was not making me feel good or actually was hurting me?  Does the need of sex make one go completely blind? On top of that his allegations “Immature and Childish”  were far from my capability to understand it. What act of mine was childish? When did I behave immaturely with him? I tried re-collecting all major incidents between us but could not find a clue where I acted childish? May be that I was biased and not able to see through the complete picture.

I pinged one of my online friends and asked his opinion. Surprisingly, his opinion was colliding with my roommate. Without even knowing about what actually happened, his straight forward answer was “What Childish act did you do again……….Sometimes, you really behave such.”

This online friend of mine, had been in regular touch through emails and chats, and had probably followed my eDiary in earlier stages of life between us. I believed that we had already established a good understanding of each other. But his reply not only made my scars fresh but also disappointed me to a great extent. He reflected a typical behavior of being judgemental. I am open to criticism, and try my best to analyze and act upon the identified improvement area. But this time, his comment were surreal. I asked him the basis of his reaching this conclusion. I asked him to justify his stand by letting me know when in our interactions so far, he had found my acts childish and immature? He simply could not.  Rather his reply to my objection was defensive, “I was joking and teasing you”.

Friends are needed during such times when we need their help and support. They play a very important role in the ups and downs of life. I was seeking that support at the very hour of need now. I cannot go to any of my non-online friends as I am not open to anyone. I am devastated  and all alone.

I am now, a newly born child.

Yes, I am immature and Childish once again.

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5 Comments Add yours

  1. Ashvith says:

    Calm down buddy…….You are not alone.
    I’ll be always with you…….I’ve never been judgemental.
    Yes, I took his side only to tease you. So that, you will fight with me that I always support him. I could have thought about your stuation before commenting on it.
    I apolozie you publicly for trying to be over friendly and making such comments. I could have thought before saying such. I’ve behaved immaturely.
    Please accept my apolgy. Remember that I’m always with you whatever it may be.
    😦

    Like

  2. Anonymous says:

    It’s not fair to call his actions “rape” because actual rape is FAR MORE worst, but I’m not calling you out and not making you look like the bad guy. I understand your reasons to be mad at him. But all he wanted to do is to fool around with his man. And I find it quite attractive when a guy is dominant. By the way, if he wants to be dominant be glad he actually cares about your health and safety because my friend was in a similar situation and he was gradually forced into penetrative sex when he wasn’t ready. And he told me me that he even cried and yelled for the guy to stop and slow down but the guy just thrusted harder and faster. However in the end my friend enjoyed the rough sex, even though he completely hated it at the start. Just be grateful that your roomie wasn’t doing something that you find completely unacceptable. So you should probably stop overreacting.

    Like

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