Continued from … The Tsunami Effects
When Sumit stopped talking, there was a silence for a moment from both the sides. Sumit was not crying loudly, but his stumbling tone at the end made Shashwat suspicious. He heard Shashwat replying in his deep voice, “Excuse me! Am I missing something here? I believe we had decided to meet at 11:30 AM.”
Sumit was a bit surprised on Shashwat telling him that he did not promise to meet today morning. But now, he was not agitated. The calm mind gives a chance to be unbiased. He remembered the whole scene when it happened yesterday. In fact, Shashwat was right. He had not made any commitment for meeting except at 11:30AM. Although, he did push him through to continue his exercise routine now onwards. We, mostly do not listen to people attentively. We mostly tend to conclude what we want to hear. Listening is an art a very limited people know. Most of us just jump to conclusions on our own.
Sumit was doing all this analysis in his mind. He had no words coming out. Shashwat broke the silence again and said, “It’s good that you have decided to regularize your exercise routine. You are back on the field the very next day on your own . That’s amazing! Very limited people are that sincere when it comes to exercise and healthy lifestyle. But seriously !… don’t you think 5:30 am was too early? I would rather suggest to go slow and continue it. One day’s over-excitement may kill the long term goal.”
Sumit was still speechless. “Hello.. are you there?”, asked Shashwat, when complete silence from other side made him suspicious of loosing the connection.
“hmm.. Y..ea…h !.. I’m here”, replied Sumit in low and polite tone. His changed tone was reflecting change in his attitude, which was affirmative.
“Good. Well, I apologize if somehow my words caused any confusion to you, but you know, it was not my intention at all. It was not practically feasible for me to visit that side for exercise today. You know of the terrible traffic jam on MB Road in your area. Right? …….Had I been there, it would not have been possible for me to make it by 11:30 then.”, He paused for a moment, and then continued, “And you know what….? I always keep my promises.. at least I try my best, as much as possible at my end. So, keep in mind, 11:30 is still 11:30 for me, Sharp! Be ready by then. OK?”, Shashwat added with a pause. He was loud and clear in highlighting the importance of being punctual, and also the importance of keeping up to his words without any doubt. When the honesty becomes the attitude, it doesn’t need the words to prove it.
“Now… let’s hang up and get ready to finish other important tasks before we catch up at 11:30”, Shashwat added.
“Yeah.. okay!”, replied Sumit and they hung up the call. Sumit was still thinking about what all just did happen. He was puzzled now, what made him cry? He started his bike, and started on the way back to his home thinking about all this.
It hardly took him 10 minutes to reach home. He looked at the clock, and decided to go back to sleep. He was feeling emotional void after all this morning incident. Crying had made him feel loneliness, which was still making him feel the heaviness in his mind. There could have been nothing better to rest all those thoughts and allow the mind to calm down with no thoughts. Sleep was a natural way to let it happen.
There were many thoughts running in his mind before he decided to take a nap. He was struggling to understand why he cried this morning and why he liked Shashwat so much? It was probably one sided feeling, if not the love. He had special feelings for this Guy, Shashwat, but Shashwat didn’t show any signs with similar feelings for him. He was embarrassed with his own feelings for Shashwat, but had no control over it.
“Why do I have a soft corner for him?”, Sumit asked himself. “He is just an ordinary guy!”, he kept analyzing deeper. “He is just interested in returning favor for my good-gesture of giving back his belongings to him… nothing more ! He never hinted otherwise! I should not have kissed him. It’s all my fault. I made myself a fool. What would he be thinking about me? He is so simple, and gentle. He did not say anything to make me feel awkward after I kissed him.”
“It’s all his fault! Why is he so gentle, so adorable? Anyone would fall in love with such a person… so polite, so caring..!… charming !!”, Sumit was now advising himself. He did not want to take the onus of “having a feeling” for Shashwat as his own weakness.
It happens.. ! Our mind is complex. Even more complex are our emotions, which keep driving us crazy sometime. We fall prey for things that we never found “worth a single thought” in regular moments. But we have some reason for all absurdity in our life. There is a definite pattern.
Sumit was a single child. He had a friend circle, but no friends at all since his early childhood. It was not in his nature to beg for allowing him to play with others. His family was restrictive. With frequent job-transfers of his father every couple of years from one city to another, the life was difficult for him. There were many months, in fact, compounding into years of gap, when he missed the love and protection of his father. With such transfers, it was not always feasible to move all family and his father had to move alone to new city with his transfer orders. It was not wise to let Sumit’s academic progress suffer every time with such transfers, especially if it was mid-session.
His childhood, and early adolescent years were spent in misery of loneliness, looking for the love and care every sensitive kid needed. Everyone has a different emotional energy level, and appetite. Sumit had higher needs for emotional bonding, but all he got was a big void. He did not get a chance to revive the friendship if he somehow could make a few good friends. He was now afraid of losing, if he found any friend. It was something he had learned from experiences so far. Whenever he got “a love” in return, it was snatched away from him sooner than later.
He respected others but did not like being bullied, or being proven inferior to anyone just for sake of competition or just to secure his place in new team. He wanted himself to be treated with due respect.
Part of his desires were fulfilled from time to time because he was good in studies. Although he was not a sports guy, but he was good in studies. He was in demand during his academic life, whenever someone needed help, or asked his study-notes, or a help during practical-hour in lab, or asked for a short combined study-session with him before exam time. He knew it that this friendship was only “for a purpose”, and that they were not really a friend who really cared for him, but he couldn’t deny anyone. Why would he? At least, this made him “needed” temporarily and he also got a chance to find the so called “friends”. But such superficial friendship, never quenched his inner thirst for a close-friend, A friend, more like a brother, or even more than his family.
Meeting Shashwat was altogether a different scene. It was the situation where someone appreciated him, without needing any favors in return. He was given due respect, was made to feel important again and again, was accepted with gratitude and politeness and was also “in demand” … just for no obvious reasons. According to him, returning Shashwat’s belongings, which he accidentally got during Metro ride, was his duty. In any case, these things were of no use to him.
Sumit was amazed how Shashwat was so thankful to him. His politeness, his smiling face, his paying attention to every small silly things Sumit did, and caring nature all combined together were something that Sumit had been longing to find since childhood. His desires to find a true friend, a loving friend, had gradually merged into a single virtual personality in his growing up years of adolescence. If not many, he at least deserved one such “loving and caring” soul in his life. Adolescent added a little spicy flavor of finding sexual attraction in his “Love”. These sexual fantasies with his virtual friend had given him an assurance of long-life of his bonding with friend. A relationship that had surpassed the body-level intimacy and had entered deeper at soul level. The bonding, which was exclusive (he believed in having sex only with one- strictly monogamous, so did his virtual friend) unparalleled rights over his friend. Shashwat was a perfect match to fit into the vacancy of this virtual friend to make it real, and it all happened unconsciously. Our sub-conscious mind is very powerful thing. The “love”, Sumit had been waiting for years, and was registered in his subconscious mind as a virtual identity, was now a real thing, in real world, known as Shashwat. How could Sumit not fall for him now?
Sumit was unconsciously yours, Shashwat! for an eternal life! It was bound to happen. How could you not know it?
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