“Why” this Kolaveri… Di?

After the last night event, when we got up next morning, I decided to ask him about last night events. It was important for me to know “What” made him go so wild and dis-respect my feelings like this? I wanted to know “Why” was he behaving like he behaved all the way from PVR back to our room and then why the hell he did not think about me? It was important for me to know whether I was being used just as a sex-object for his sexual pleasures?

The fresh mind after getting up from the bed is the best time to get the truth. Mostly people are close to their natural instincts and more truthful and factual. I was careful to be diplomatic and polite instead of behaving rudely.

I woke up before him and was lying on my bed planning about how should I start the conversation so as not to ruin start of our first work-day of the week. I looked to my right where he was sleeping next to me. He was still asleep. I went close to his face and he suddenly opened his eyes. May be he was already awake or sensed me from my body odor (although I don’t think that it was any body odor) but somehow he sensed me there and opened his eyes. I was very close to his face and looking at his beautiful face with sharp nose, pink juicy lips and silky hair when he opened his shiny eyes and passed an attractive smile to me with a flying kiss and wished me “Good Morning darling!“.

I smiled back to him and before I could wish him back a “Good morning”, he grabbed me in his arms, pulled my face down and kissed on my lips, and then he said, “Now it is a good morning for me.” We were both bare-chest as we did not wear anything on top after taking shower. He was still partially embracing me with his left hand resting on my back.

I smiled back again and was amused by his act that made me think how did he master the art of flirting so effectively? He was looking at my face and started moving his right hand fingers in my hair to comb them. This brought me out of my thoughts. I asked him, “So… feeling fresh now?” He replied, “Always with you“.

I thought it is better to directly jump to the topic, I asked, “Would you mind telling me, what was all this last night? I have never seen you behaving like this before. It was a shocking surprize for me. In fact, I got scared after seeing your this new and totally unexpected wild attitude.

He kept silently massaging and fingering my hair silently. Then he smiled, and asked me, “Be honest ! Didn’t you like it?”. He paused and then continued, “You don’t need to answer me. I already know it. You need to answer it to yourself.

I was all ears now, trying to understand what he was trying to tell me.

There was a silence for a moment and then he continued, “You forgot I am also a living human being. I do have emotions, feelings like yours. I also feel the love, the hate, the hunger like others. I am also young and living with some dreams. No one gave you a right to play with my emotions at will and break them whenever you want. I adore you. I love you more than I have loved anything in my life except my Mom, and will keep loving you forever. But you did not try to understand it. Besides my love for you, I do have some sexual needs and cravings. I was controlling it for a long time. I did it. I tried my best. But it was you who always jumped the sides and played with my emotions. You may have done it unknowingly but you seduced me many times. You knew I am longing for you, and you gave me mixed signals all the time. You touch me when you are in good mood or feeling happy. It may be just a friendly touch for you. But I don’t have a permission to touch you, why so? You are my weakness. Your body is my weakness. You knew it very well. Still, you flaunt it to exploit my feelings for you and make me feel more insecure? It is like the dish is “served” but in-accessible.  You have time for strangers like Divyangana but no time for me? You made me feel jealous; feel insecure. More I tried to adapt to your rules, more you were getting away from me. I suppressed many times my feelings for you, my desires of physical intimacy with you, my desires to touch you and that you touch me. You knew it very well.  But you made it all very hard and restrictive for me. I started feeling suffocating, insecure and under pressure.

I was stunned. It was not making any sense to me. It sounded all like false accusations. He was putting all sort of blames on me and was making me responsible for all what he did yesterday. Whey did I seduce him? Was it wrong to help him in bath when he was weak and was not able to even walk right after his discharge from nursing home? Was it wrong that I followed his suggestion to take off my vest  or T-Shirt and sleep bare chested in hot and humid summer nights? Do I not have a right to live the way I want and spend my time with my other friends?

I stopped him in between… “Wait ! Wait !! Wait !!!  This is all bull shit. When did I try to seduce you? When did I exploited your feelings or played with your emotions? And do you mean to say just because you love me, I don’t deserve a personal space in my own life? I don’t have a right to go out with other friends or talk to them?”  I was furious with his allegations of injustice done by me and I noticed that my voice tone and breathing speed had already increased.

Hey ! Sweetu !! Calm down. I did not mean to offend you. I am not blaming you for anything. You wanted to know what made me behave like this, so I just shared my condition with you just to have you an idea what sort of psychological and emotional pressures I am undergoing.“, He said patting me on my shoulder.  He further added, “You know it that I love you, and will always keep you loving till last breath of my life, whether you love me or not. No body can now take your place in my life, even if I wish it to happen. It is just impossible. I cannot hurt you ever, or your feelings either. For me, you and your happiness is my first priority and only thing in my life for which I am living.You might have already noticed it yesterday. I was horny, badly desperate to have sex with you and under emotional and psychological pressures to make you mine before someone else (read “Divangana” here) snatches you away from me but besides all this, I was able to control my feelings, my desires last night and did nothing that you really did not want to.

He did not finish here. He continued further, “As far as it is a matter of seducing me, I already told you that it may not be a deliberate action from you but for me such small incidents matter a lot because these gave me a hint or a hope for “us” being together someday.  Remember, caressed my chest and then you pinched my nipple watching that online Chinese TV show – Heroin the Addiction series? Do you remember when you hugged me and joined me when I was stroking that night (masturbating) and had bitten me on my nipple? Do you remember when you hugged me and embraced me and kissed me and told me that “I need not to be sorry!” – you were also bare chest and you body was in full touch with my body and you were on top of me? Was it all fake? There are many moments in my memory. I had prepared myself mentally to live my life the way I deserved but you created hopes in me, and when I made advances you always scolded me or stopped talking to me or preferred other friends over me. Why was I being punished and ignored? I know it very well everyone has a personal space, so do I. You entered in that personal space and made a permanent space when I was trying to keep myself away from you. Do you know how hard it is to face frequent rejections, especially from the only love in your life? I do not intend to interfere in your choice of life or life partner. I do wish that you be mine but I will somehow manage and be happy if you are happy with someone else, but it cannot go both ways together.

There was a silence in the room for some moments. He broke the silence and said, “You know what’s wrong with you? You are being too restrictive and judgemental to yourself. You know it that you like me, and probably love me too … and that you get sexually aroused by touching my body or if I touch your body, but you are not willing to accept it for whatever prejudices in your mind. You should at least give it a try. Live your life free of all such restrictions and don’t be judgemental. Let the life freely flow. Follow you heart for some time and see what makes you feel happy. No one can force you, at least not me.  I am always here to see you happy. Forgive me if my stupidity last night caused all these troubles.

I was speechless at his humble yet powerful way of telling me that I was wrong. Yes, I was really wrong and played with his sentiments and that’s too in disguise of helping him. I needed some more time for introspection. I got up from the bed as we were getting late to get ready for office.

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12 thoughts on ““Why” this Kolaveri… Di?

  1. I am sorry for being absent so long. Seems a lot of things happened in that span. So what are you thinking now about your situation?

    1. Welcome back Dost (and my Luv Guru ji too).

      I am currently following your and Mr. Chakravorty’s advice only. I found him through my last post. He is also very understanding person and a little chat with him reminded me of you. In fact, I was thinking if it is you using some other fake ID.

      Advice I am following is ….that instead of getting stuck in “Ye Rishta kya Kehlataa hai…” (naming the “something” between us) and puzzles of future-plannng… giving time to “us” being together but now a little more open-heartily.. without much restrictions imposed from my side… u know… freely flowing with flow of life..like what my roomie said… obviously I am still concerned for “not doing” something that I would hate to do.. or would regret later (sex part) … unless I am ready mentally for it.. but now I am not “discarding” him or “his moves towards me” … for some false prejudices… or “images” of myself in my mind.

      1. I am so glad to hear that. You no longer need any advice from me I see 😛 Keep me posted on how things are progressing between you and in the future I might need tips from you.

        1. It is not so Abhi (hope, you won’t mind). Everyone has his own limitations. I see the things with an angle, I am habitual to see them. You (and your advice) is very much needed to correct that angle or widen it.

          Do you remember when I was thinking that he is egoist, self-centered and rude, and that he is probably doing all this drama to impress me (when he was hospitalized later), it was very much you Dr. Love, who saw it with a different perspective. You, as an independent entity, looked in to his feelings and understood his grievances, which I could have never understood correctly. It was your experience and your unbiased opinion that made me believe in you and follow your suggestions, whenever I was in dark. So, yes, you are very much needed… and, anyways, I cannot afford to miss a good friend like you. I am a little possessive and attached with you @ an emotional level. So, yes, I need you to be with me, and support me always and stand by my side.

          But I noticed probably you want to maintain a distance now (not sure, but it is what I am feeling now…)… earlier you were very quick to respond, now it is taking days. Your last comment also saying something about “don’t need me” thing.. which is repulsive. I might have offended you, unknowingly, if so, please accept my apologies. But believe me, it feels very bad to me when I have to say Goodbye to a friend. (I could not say that to this stupid fella, even after his repetitive dumb-ass actions..!) You are intelligent, sensible, and down-to-earth guy, how could I even think about letting you go?

          1. NO NO NO!!! I am not going anywhere! I only said that you dont need me cause your responses and analysis of your situation seem very on point and accurate. It was meant as a compliment 🙂
            Yes, I have been a bit lax in responding, but that is because of work pressure and personal issues.
            I am not going to abandon you or your blog. You have got me hooked on to both really bad. And you won’t believe how eager I remain to always know what happened next!

            1. Thank you. It’s my pleasure to have a friend like you. I feel blessed.

              “Personal issues” ???… hope, everything is okay. Hope and pray that everything settles smoothly soon for you and your beloved ones.

              Well.. it’s not my wisdom or analysis. It’s all yours reflecting through my blog and in my life. Credit goes to you Guru.

  2. Wow, that’s was interesting. Your room mate was thinking about you, looks like he planned all this to make you realise, rain was a definite welcome but not putting lives at risk – no wonder people say love blurs reasoning !
    Of all the things he said, what stands as significant to me is jealousy – your proximity with Divyanaga. I am glad he said this. In essence he is asking you to acknowledge his love and feelings.
    You are not wrong and do not blame your selves. Both of you never knew you would get attracted to each other.
    Your behaviour at the time was because of the circumstances, you wanted to make him feel better.
    Just like he put his thoughts across, you need to speak to him as well. You need to make peace with the fact that you love him.But how far is your roomie willing to take this relation – I am not talking about sex ( I don’t think sex is essential).
    Is he aware of possible conflicts that can arise – from families, professionally and society.
    I am not sure if I missed this, but he hasn’t said anything about how he wants to take this relation and how he plans to address these problems?
    He is waiting for your response. And you need to talk about this. It’s an opportunity for you both to understand what this relation means to each other – is it infatiuation or is it love?
    Is it essential to have physical intimacy for a relation to flourish (I definitely don’t think it’s essential, it’s important but not essential)
    If you move to different places, can this relation survive. (It should if it’s true love)

    Understand each other , don’t make compromises because both are equal in this relation.

    If it’s true love, u know you are winning.

    PS – call me Sridhar that’s my first name

  3. I posted my comments earlier, wonder how they disappeared? 😀
    Never mind I shall repost it.
    Your room mate has been thinking about you and planned all this to make you realise his feelings. Well done, but he does not get any gold stars for putting lives at risk 😱
    He said he is jealous of your proximity to Divyangana and that to me is significant. He is asking you to acknowledge his love and feelings. He wants you. But he doesn’t say anything about what he wants from this relationship? Perhaps he is waiting for your response.
    My friend, don’t blame yourself for anything. You haven’t done anything wrong. Whatever you did was to make him feel better, you wanted to see him happy. Both of you were strangers and did not expect to be in this situation.(That’s the beauty of LIFE)
    You need to make peace with yourself, u need to make peace with your feelings for him. U said you love him too.
    Shatter all the walls of if and buts. U need to speak to him. Both of you need to know what this relation means to you both and what are you looking for in this relation? Is it just infatuation or is it love? Do you know what conflicts can occur in future and do you know the consequences of this and how do address this? Is sex essential ( may be important but not essential)?
    Both of you need to understand this relationship but don’t make compromises as you both are independent and equal individuals in this relation.
    If it’s true love, it will flourish and survive, no matter what happens and where u are in future.
    If it’s true love, u know you are winning 😊

    1. Hi Sridhar !

      I must admit you have very good understanding of the kind of psychological pressure I was undergoing, even if I did not discuss all this with you. You not only exactly pin-pointed the hard-shells en-route, but also suggested a clean and easy solution to come out of this problem. I admire your capabilities to understand it and to suggest a way out of where we are stuck. Your solution is not only practical, but also very satisfying too (at moral level).

      You know, just after reading your suggestion, I am feeling very light as if I got free from tonnes of weight (psychological pressure) that I was bearing for a long time. Especially after this discussion with my roomie he made me realize (and I believed it too after his explanations) that I really did something very wrong to him ethically.

      Sometime back, another online friend (a reader) suggested me to stop calling yourself straight. You cannot be straight even if you have fantasized girls always during your masturbation or in your sleeps and they excite you as you get sexually aroused by (physique of/physical touch of) your roommate. It was initially a hard thing to digest for me (kind of a shock) when he insisted that I cannot be straight and I should stop pretending or calling myself straight. Later, another good online friend of mine ( I call him Love Guru because he had been really a great help to me so far and his advice have proven a good solution for me so far, just like you. His comment is also there right before yours, with an ID adore Abhijit) gave me a solution, very similar to mine, which at that time made me feel relaxed and positive. In short, he said, “Forget about labeling yourself or something that is going on between you. Don’t bother about what it is – whether a relationship or anything else. Just focus on you two being together and give it some time.” I had many mis-conceptions initially about my roommate, out of my fears and perception, but he gave me a fresh, humane perspective to look in to matter, which I was not able to see for myself.

      Sometimes, it becomes hard to find a solution, when people are a stakeholder because they are deeply involved in it and bound by their restrictive thinking / perceptions. These are the times when good friends like you, and Abhijit can see the underlying problem, the root cause of the issue, and can find a perfect solution with your experiences.

      I don’t have any words to describe my happiness and to show my gratitude to you for doing me this favor and a big help today. Your words are very appealing and hitting directly on the iron when it is hot. I had already talked to him about my un-certainity but we never discussed about the “future complication issues” or “where we want this to go”. I believed his words that he did not want anything from me. But his recent actions say something different. I had taken him for granted that he would have understood my “free bird” and “not-committed in a relationship” nature. I was not completely sure, but I was in love with him, be it a friendly love, brotherly love, or love – let’s just don’t name it specifically. I was really deceiving myself that I did not love him. I still love him (if it is love, and mostly it is asexual) and care for him and his feelings. But there are times, (I have observed it) when I felt sexually aroused either by his touch or by touching him or sometimes looking at him. Sometimes, I just want to keep looking at his face when he is asleep. That gives me a good feel to find him lying close to me. Some other times, I am extremely mad at him (mostly when he irritates me by his stupid acts like the event when he touched me, my thighs, and repeated all non-sense when I did not want him to behave irrationally when we were returning back home on bike) and wanted to throw him away for good. But that’s all part of it, I guess.

      There also seems to be a hidden warning in your suggestion. What do you mean to say “Don’t compromise, because you two are equal”. It is self explanatory, but I would like to know if you are trying to highlight something special? As far as I have experienced in my life, every relationship relies and flourishes on compromises. Can you please elaborate more, with precise example, what sort of compromises are you talking about?

  4. I find the word ‘compromise’ (in the context of relationships) is laden with negativity. I feel a person who is in a relationship and has compromised has in some ways exposed his or her weakness in general and in the relationship as a whole, I am not sure if a person who compromised in a relationship can ever be really happy and content. I don’t know. Probably not always. These are my feelings.

    As u rightly said compromises are important in life, but in your case – both of u are independent, none is inferior to other in any way, u both have equal say in this relationship, but for it to work you should understand this relationship, identify common interests and making the relation work. U said ur roommate did not want anything from you? What does that mean? I am not questioning sincerity of his love but why did he say that, has he fallen so deep in love with you that he has decided to forgo everything just to be with you? It may sound good initially but will it remain same forever, will he never ever expect anything from you?
    As I said, these are my thoughts about relationships. Iam not a perfect human, but if I forge a relation I want everyone involved to feel happy and equal.

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