Killer Silence-(Concluding Part)

(Continued from previous post…)

I tried hard to sleep, but could not succeed. Both the things were disturbing, his negligence and his unhappiness. I had also got accustomed to his pampering and embracing me during sleep for a long time now. It gave me a sense of love, care, safety and security, all in one. Now, all of a sudden, his bad mood was raising my tension level as I was threatened of loosing such a good and caring friend.

I slowly turned towards him, and sneak-peeked on his face to see if he was asleep. He was lying in same pose with his face opposite to me. He was awake. Noticing me above his face, he quickly cleaned the tears rolling out of his eyes. What the fu.k? He was crying, hiding from me. Definitely, I must be somehow involved in this. I was right in guessing, it was not just a health issue.

embrace-1

I got closer to him, and hugged him tightly from back. He did not react. But he moved his head away from me. I grabbed his chest, close to his arm-pits from my left hand (through which I was embracing him), to prevent him from escaping me, and slowly pulled him towards me. Our bodies were again in touch with each-other. I kissed him gently on his neck and then on shoulder as he was still facing the opposite direction. He still did not respond to my kisses.

I forced him to turn flat from the side pose, to which he initially resisted a bit but when I continued doing that he finally gave up. I got on top of him and hugged him tightly in my arms, and kept my head on his chest. I closed my eyes and kept listening to his heart beats. After a few moments, I felt his hand on my face. He slowly started pampering me like we do to kids. This gave a sign of relief to my restless heart. His heart-beats were also getting calmer and soothing. We kept hugging like this for a while.

embrace-2

I wasn’t sure what the matter was, but I was now sure, that somehow I made him cry. It was I who made such a loving, caring and darling person cry who had always been trying his best to keep me happy. The person who had always given preferences to my wishes, my choices, my needs, over and above his personal interests and needs. I had always been cruel to him and quite selfish too in this regard, and always over-looked his needs and mis-understood his feelings for me. All previous incidents when I had done injustice to him started floating in my mind. My eyes got watery in grief and I knew that I was again guilty somewhere, somehow.

I’ m sorry“, automatically came directly from bottom of my heart, lying in same pose. There was no response from him, except that he continued pampering my head with his left hand.

He was still maintaining that silence. Even I did not want to say anything. I just wanted to get lost in that soothing and calming silence. I understood now that I made him cry, but what I did not know was what exactly my fault was. It was important for me to understand it and know it to avoid repeating it in future. I was about to ask it, but suddenly growling sounds coming from my stomach broke the silence between us.  He also noticed it, and asked, “Why have you not taken dinner yet?

I was not feeling hungry either“, I replied, embracing him even tighter. I felt slight vibrations on his belly, he was laughing on my reply. He knew we take dinner together always, barring a few exceptional cases. He knew I was lying. I heard his voice again, “Okay! I’m feeling a bit hungry now. Let’s have something to eat”.  His voice was again having that caring and loving touch. I kissed on his chest and got up and held his hand in my hand to take him with me.

After we finished our dinner, he said, “You should not lie, you are not good at it.” I was surprized to hear that, and was thinking, which lie from me might have upset him and caused him tears tonight? I usually refrain myself from all sort of lies, so I was curious to know, and asked him, “What are you talking about? When did I lie to you?” He smiled, and said, “That…when you said you are not feeling hungry while your stomach was crying loud for the dinner.“. I replied, “Oh ! That..!! That I learned from you. Didn’t you lie too?“. He maintained silence once again. I got the feeling that he was not so “normal” yet. He probably did all this to ensure that I do not have to starve all night. He might not have forgiven me truly yet, and might still be holding on to those grudges deep inside.

I didn’t lie to you“, now he broke the silence.

Really? Tell me how..?  When did you have your dinner?“, I asked.

He replied, “I did not say anything about dinner. All I said was that I had taken heavy snacks in office party.

I don’t believe you. You always call me well in advance to inform me about any such outside dinners, don’t you?“, I was confident and smiling on my intelligence to successfully catch his lie.

I am really sorry as I could not inform you today. I was out of my mind.. kind of. But it is true that I had taken heavy snacks just a few hours back“, He replied. His reply made me wonder what could have caused him such a great setback so much so that he was “out of mind“, and forgot about informing me. I knew, he would not lie to me.

I was thinking all this when he continued, “I was in same food-court with my colleagues, where you two were enjoying at 5 PM.” He paused for a moment, and then continued, “BTW, I must agree, she is really a pretty girl. She looks better than her photo.” His voice was again diminishing, and trembling, probably he was getting emotional.

I recalled, I was in XXXXX Food Court at that time, with Divyangana, a colleague and a very good friend of mine. We developed a good understanding and our wavelengths match perfectly. I told him, “Oh ! That !!! She was Divyangana, one of my colleagues. It was her sister’s birthday this Sunday, so she took me out for a birthday treat. ” I paused for a moment, and then asked him, “If you were there, why didn’t you join us? We all would have had great fun together.

The ice started melting now. He opened his mind, and said, “Firstly, it was a private party for two of you and I was not invited. Anyways, I did not want to interrupt the love-birds (He emphasized the word love-birds and stretched it unusually). I was disappointed that you had to hide your love and life from me, all because of my feelings for you.

Was this the only thing upsetting your mood?“, I asked him, looking into his eyes.

He lowered his eyes but did not say anything. There was again a deep killer silence in between us for sometime. I realized later that this silence could be deadly dangerous to a nourishing relationship at times. It gives a chance to grow misunderstandings. It also may lead to assumption of “acceptance” when there is no response and some answer is expected.

After some time, he uttered, “No, actually not. I felt insecure that I might loose you forever now. I started feeling anxious, low and as a loser when I saw you two together, smiling and enjoying a lot.” He paused for a while, and then continued,  “My fear of loosing you forever, which might happen  probably after 9-10 months, was turning into reality right in front of my eyes today. I found myself all alone, having a lonely life and that’s why I was so scared and depressed. But I know, I don’t have a right to snatch your share of happiness from you. I should not be so selfish.

I kept hearing all silently. I was glad that he opened up and shared his true concerns with me. That’s the true power of a relationship, “The Trust“. When you don’t have any fears or hesitations. After he finished, I did, what I was longing to do for a long time since he entered the room. I kissed him on his lips, passionately and told him, “You are my stupid, jealous, naughty baby. You love me, but don’t trust me. No one can give me even fraction of love that you offered me. There is nothing in my life to hide from you.

kiss-4

Later, this whole incident gave me a warning too. Why is this lack of trust between us?

I had other questions also running in my mind, “Don’t I have any right to enjoy my life with my colleagues, my friends or anyone for that matter? Don’t I deserve a little private moments?”

And the more glooming question that needs immediate solution is “How to solve these issues with insecurity, un-trust, and privacy?”

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10 Comments Add yours

  1. Alex says:

    You two should the trust exercise. It’s when a couple stand in a line facing the same way. And the person in front falls,with their eyes closed and arms crossed, behind them into the other ones arms hoping to god that you catch them instead of falling to the ground. I don’t think this will help with the trust on a emotional level but it’s fun to do and might build more of a relationship between you two.

    Ps. While your doing the exercise, when he falls on to you, sneak a little kiss on the cheek. That always really cute.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. desimunda says:

      Wow ! That’s an amazing exercise, and interesting too (with special ingredients of Kiss attached to it). I am a little not clear on closing the eyes part. Do both of us need to close the eyes? How will the person standing last know then when to catch the falling person? I mean .. he may really hurt himself if I failed to catch him, and eventually, may feel lesser confidence on me in his sub-conscious mind.

      Like

      1. Alex says:

        Sorry for not being clear. I ment the person falling will have to close their eyes. Because I would build up more fear inside him, and when you catch him he’ll feel GREAT sense of relief after.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. shruti says:

    Happy to know you’re clear of your feelings to him….n keep up the good work….would love to hear more of you and pls make him happy……for me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. desimunda says:

      Hello Shruti,
      Thank you for your good wishes. I am glad that I have readers who are also well wishers.
      Yes, now I am a bit more clear on my feelings for him. I do like him, which is more than just liking a friend, but still not very clear about our companionship or our future together. I even don’t know if we can have a future together at all, although, truly speaking, I would be happy to be with him all the time.

      I try my best, not to hurt his feelings, and to keep him happy (“for you” 😉 of course) as far as possible, but you know, men are from Mars. We are constrained with our habits, ego, our limited thoughts and foolishness sometimes, that unintentionally hurt others’ feelings, and later regret on our mistakes.

      That’s where I need support from understanding and caring friends like you.

      Like

  3. adoreabhijit says:

    I wouldn’t call this a ‘lack of trust’ exactly, more like obsessive, possessive jealousy. It is an element mostly unavaoidable in most relationships. Some people actually find it endearing, but yes, an excess of it can lead to strain the relationship. From his p.o.v his fears are very real as he knows you have a soft spot for her and that he is not exactly on par with your demisexuality, so he doesnt realise how improbable and impossibe it is for you to cheat at all. The way you handled it is really impressive, and i believe there isnt much needed to be done other than allay his fears every time he feels possessive about you. One thing would be helpful is if you could introduce him as your boyfriend to someone you are close with, that would give him the validation and security he feels the need of.

    Like

    1. desimunda says:

      You are simply, mind-blowing. I don’t understand how do you do it every time, without fail, but you directly hit the nail, my Dr. Love. For example, even he, who loves me deeply, and knows in’s and out’s of me more than I know about myself, but even he could not understand me correctly that “I really won’t cheat on him”. But you caught my real feelings for him.

      The other thing which is practical, and do-able at my end is “allay his fears every time he feels possessive about you.” You again, have been a good mentor to me, at the time of need. I am truly obliged. Your later point is also good, but that’s not feasible at my end. I could not dare to even discuss it with anyone except online friends through my this eDiary (this blog). I don’t know, how I will be able to do it even in future. It is really a tough task and very dis-appointing too. I start loosing all the vigour and courage, more I think in practical terms about discussing it with my parents, my Mom, whom I am very close to. I believe, you can understand this better than I can explain.

      And Thank you once again, for joining me back Abhi. You won’t believe, how much I missed your advice in these days.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Broken Heart says:

    let me tell you something that
    the problem that you are talking about its not that much problem, after all it happens to all relationship(gay/straight).it’s gonna solve soon.
    jealousy is a thing which is mostly help to make relationship more stronger.(it’s depends on the person).
    And your First problem is still you are confused with your sexuality though you are falling for him and it is quite natural.As it is said someone from past or believed all the time that “LOVE IS BLIND” .it never see the gender ,cast, religion and so many things.

    and your second problem which the most important i think that maybe after some months you are going to leave him .
    I’ll request you to not to leave him.and it’s all up to up whether you are going to stay with him or gonna leave him.
    if you are going to leave him .I don’t know how you gonna manage him .

    But I’m going to tell you about my life’s little incident
    I used to love a boy from 9th standard at that time I didn’t know what was my real feelings for him .but we were getting close day by day we were very good friend .and after my 12th I got to realize that I’m in love with him .from then my life was going to miserable for me but always too much happy and excited around him. I know he never had that love (couple) for me . but after 2yr I just told him what I really felt for him.hoping at least he ain’t going to Leave me. as I told him he just left me.from my life .

    I know I was miserable and done mistake.

    As u are falling for him.its a good thing .and don’t let him down

    Liked by 1 person

    1. desimunda says:

      Thank you, Heart. I can somewhat co-related to what you want to say. I understand the pain of love.
      I am really sorry for the rudeness of your first love (the guy in Class 9th whom you loved), and his ignorance to your feelings for him.

      It is not that I have planned to leave him and that I want to leave him after 9 months. The thing is that I am here on an internship, with a break from my studies for a year. After the internship is over, I need to go back to my university to resume my studies. Out of this 1 year, 3 months are now already past.

      Actually, both of us are afraid of that end to our life story. We both are concerned and deep down our hearts and minds, we are counting the days. I cannot ask him to accompany me, because it may impact his career negatively.
      And then after I finish my studies, even I don’t know where I may get the placement. I will be lucky, and feel happy if we can stay together, but the point of tension is that I am not seeing any positive lights on this dark road.

      Like

  5. Broken Heart says:

    just be cool then.If you two love each other then nothing can’t stop you.and after your internship you gotta go to your university.that doesn’t mean that anything going to stop Love.
    and you people can work it out together that how
    your future is gonna be.

    Liked by 1 person

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