(Continued from previous post…)
I tried hard to sleep, but could not succeed. Both the things were disturbing, his negligence and his unhappiness. I had also got accustomed to his pampering and embracing me during sleep for a long time now. It gave me a sense of love, care, safety and security, all in one. Now, all of a sudden, his bad mood was raising my tension level as I was threatened of loosing such a good and caring friend.
I slowly turned towards him, and sneak-peeked on his face to see if he was asleep. He was lying in same pose with his face opposite to me. He was awake. Noticing me above his face, he quickly cleaned the tears rolling out of his eyes. What the fu.k? He was crying, hiding from me. Definitely, I must be somehow involved in this. I was right in guessing, it was not just a health issue.
I got closer to him, and hugged him tightly from back. He did not react. But he moved his head away from me. I grabbed his chest, close to his arm-pits from my left hand (through which I was embracing him), to prevent him from escaping me, and slowly pulled him towards me. Our bodies were again in touch with each-other. I kissed him gently on his neck and then on shoulder as he was still facing the opposite direction. He still did not respond to my kisses.
I forced him to turn flat from the side pose, to which he initially resisted a bit but when I continued doing that he finally gave up. I got on top of him and hugged him tightly in my arms, and kept my head on his chest. I closed my eyes and kept listening to his heart beats. After a few moments, I felt his hand on my face. He slowly started pampering me like we do to kids. This gave a sign of relief to my restless heart. His heart-beats were also getting calmer and soothing. We kept hugging like this for a while.
I wasn’t sure what the matter was, but I was now sure, that somehow I made him cry. It was I who made such a loving, caring and darling person cry who had always been trying his best to keep me happy. The person who had always given preferences to my wishes, my choices, my needs, over and above his personal interests and needs. I had always been cruel to him and quite selfish too in this regard, and always over-looked his needs and mis-understood his feelings for me. All previous incidents when I had done injustice to him started floating in my mind. My eyes got watery in grief and I knew that I was again guilty somewhere, somehow.
“I’ m sorry“, automatically came directly from bottom of my heart, lying in same pose. There was no response from him, except that he continued pampering my head with his left hand.
He was still maintaining that silence. Even I did not want to say anything. I just wanted to get lost in that soothing and calming silence. I understood now that I made him cry, but what I did not know was what exactly my fault was. It was important for me to understand it and know it to avoid repeating it in future. I was about to ask it, but suddenly growling sounds coming from my stomach broke the silence between us. He also noticed it, and asked, “Why have you not taken dinner yet?“
“I was not feeling hungry either“, I replied, embracing him even tighter. I felt slight vibrations on his belly, he was laughing on my reply. He knew we take dinner together always, barring a few exceptional cases. He knew I was lying. I heard his voice again, “Okay! I’m feeling a bit hungry now. Let’s have something to eat”. His voice was again having that caring and loving touch. I kissed on his chest and got up and held his hand in my hand to take him with me.
After we finished our dinner, he said, “You should not lie, you are not good at it.” I was surprized to hear that, and was thinking, which lie from me might have upset him and caused him tears tonight? I usually refrain myself from all sort of lies, so I was curious to know, and asked him, “What are you talking about? When did I lie to you?” He smiled, and said, “That…when you said you are not feeling hungry while your stomach was crying loud for the dinner.“. I replied, “Oh ! That..!! That I learned from you. Didn’t you lie too?“. He maintained silence once again. I got the feeling that he was not so “normal” yet. He probably did all this to ensure that I do not have to starve all night. He might not have forgiven me truly yet, and might still be holding on to those grudges deep inside.
“I didn’t lie to you“, now he broke the silence.
“Really? Tell me how..? When did you have your dinner?“, I asked.
He replied, “I did not say anything about dinner. All I said was that I had taken heavy snacks in office party.“
“I don’t believe you. You always call me well in advance to inform me about any such outside dinners, don’t you?“, I was confident and smiling on my intelligence to successfully catch his lie.
“I am really sorry as I could not inform you today. I was out of my mind.. kind of. But it is true that I had taken heavy snacks just a few hours back“, He replied. His reply made me wonder what could have caused him such a great setback so much so that he was “out of mind“, and forgot about informing me. I knew, he would not lie to me.
I was thinking all this when he continued, “I was in same food-court with my colleagues, where you two were enjoying at 5 PM.” He paused for a moment, and then continued, “BTW, I must agree, she is really a pretty girl. She looks better than her photo.” His voice was again diminishing, and trembling, probably he was getting emotional.
I recalled, I was in XXXXX Food Court at that time, with Divyangana, a colleague and a very good friend of mine. We developed a good understanding and our wavelengths match perfectly. I told him, “Oh ! That !!! She was Divyangana, one of my colleagues. It was her sister’s birthday this Sunday, so she took me out for a birthday treat. ” I paused for a moment, and then asked him, “If you were there, why didn’t you join us? We all would have had great fun together.“
The ice started melting now. He opened his mind, and said, “Firstly, it was a private party for two of you and I was not invited. Anyways, I did not want to interrupt the love-birds (He emphasized the word love-birds and stretched it unusually). I was disappointed that you had to hide your love and life from me, all because of my feelings for you.“
“Was this the only thing upsetting your mood?“, I asked him, looking into his eyes.
He lowered his eyes but did not say anything. There was again a deep killer silence in between us for sometime. I realized later that this silence could be deadly dangerous to a nourishing relationship at times. It gives a chance to grow misunderstandings. It also may lead to assumption of “acceptance” when there is no response and some answer is expected.
After some time, he uttered, “No, actually not. I felt insecure that I might loose you forever now. I started feeling anxious, low and as a loser when I saw you two together, smiling and enjoying a lot.” He paused for a while, and then continued, “My fear of loosing you forever, which might happen probably after 9-10 months, was turning into reality right in front of my eyes today. I found myself all alone, having a lonely life and that’s why I was so scared and depressed. But I know, I don’t have a right to snatch your share of happiness from you. I should not be so selfish.“
I kept hearing all silently. I was glad that he opened up and shared his true concerns with me. That’s the true power of a relationship, “The Trust“. When you don’t have any fears or hesitations. After he finished, I did, what I was longing to do for a long time since he entered the room. I kissed him on his lips, passionately and told him, “You are my stupid, jealous, naughty baby. You love me, but don’t trust me. No one can give me even fraction of love that you offered me. There is nothing in my life to hide from you.“
Later, this whole incident gave me a warning too. Why is this lack of trust between us?
I had other questions also running in my mind, “Don’t I have any right to enjoy my life with my colleagues, my friends or anyone for that matter? Don’t I deserve a little private moments?”
And the more glooming question that needs immediate solution is “How to solve these issues with insecurity, un-trust, and privacy?”