He entered the room, a little “late” from his daily routine. Probably, he might have got stuck in traffic jam or some other reason might have caused this delay.
When he returns from his office, there is always a cute smile on his glorious face, and he greets me with a flying kiss as soon as he enters the room. He usually is energetic even after running through so many stairs on 3-storey building. But it was not “normal” today. There was a fake, diminishing smile on his face with which he greeted me tonight. He did not make eye-contacts with me. No flying kiss either. His energy level were not “at par” with his “normal himself”.
He kept his laptop backpack on the bed, and went straight towards the wall hanger, where he started undressing his office uniform.
“Hey ! Are you alright sweet heart?“, I asked worriedly, and put my laptop down from my lap and went to him where he was putting his clothes after getting undressed, to check if he might have caught fever or something. His behavior, lower energy level, etc. were a point of concern for me.
I touched his forehead to see if body temperature was not high. It appeared normal. He was in his vest and underwear, and was attempting to put on his short.
“What happened? Is everything fine? Why are you so down today?“, I asked in a queue, uninterruptedly. My tone was clearly reflecting my uneasiness and nervousness. He moved his head away from my hand, which was on his forehead. Strange ! He never behaved so rudely with me. It kind of hurt my feelings. I felt a kind of separation coming between us.It was kind of feeling of dis-owning something valuable. He had always been very sensitive to my feelings and cared a lot about me, so it was something really abnormal about him today that he repelled me from him. Even when he was not feeling well, he never ignored my touch. I tried controlling my emotions, assuming he is really not feeling good right now. I got more worried about seriousness of the situation.
“I’m fine.“, his short and cold reply confirmed my doubts that he definitely was not fine. But his unwillingness to share the details with me was adding more pain to the problem. Considering his situation, I thought, probably it would not be a good idea to torture him by being a more intriguing person right now.
“Okay. You get fresh, while I serve the dinner.“, I asked him with a warm smile, trying to change the topic and his mood. “… Or, would you like to have a cup of tea before dinner? You may feel better.“, I looked at him to see his response.
Without looking at me, he replied, “Sorry..! I won’t be able to join you in dinner tonight. I am not hungry. I had already taken heavy snacks in office party a few hours back.” It was again an indication of some serious problem to me. He never did this to me. Even if we take something during our outings, we accompany each-other, even if it just a bite, if one of us want to taste something after returning home. It was never a direct “No” from him. He knew, that I would be waiting for him and will not start without him. In the past there had been couple of incidents where he had to attend a few official parties with his office staff but he made sure every time to inform me in advance. Not only this, he used to call me and follow-up with me during our usual dinner time whether or not I had taken my dinner properly. He made sure, even if he was unable to be there with me in person, he was still with me over a phone call when I was taking dinner. That’s why this answer from him today solidified my doubts that something was seriously wrong. But I was unable to find what was it?
When there is a tension, some people tend to eat more. For some, it is “hunger-disappeared”. I fall, mostly in second category. Even though I was starving, and was eagerly waiting for him to come back early so that we can start the dinner together, this new tension killed my hunger. I was still hungry, but I was not able to swallow anything down my throat. I was worried because this was not a simple issue nor it could be a small problem. I was getting more worried about seriousness of situation. There was a remote possibility of health related issues, but his abnormal behavior today was clearly pointing out it is not just a health-problem. All sort of negative thoughts and possibilities started puzzling my mind.
I was deep in my thoughts, analyzing the situation, and trying to figure out a solution, when I heard him saying, “I have headache, and I will sleep now.” After that he went to his bed, and lied down at the edge of the bed, keeping a distance between us and facing away and opposite to my side of bed. There was no possibility of dinner for me either. I also closed my laptop which I had left on the bed, and lied down next to him. After so many nights of his passionate touch and pampering, I was not feeling good when he created a distance. It was more of a emotional issue, than the physical one. I wanted to hold him in my arms, touch him, like he used to do to me, but was afraid of creating more problems for him.
I could no longer bear this killer silence between us. I looked at him, who was still lying in the same pose, away from me, and asked him in a soft voice, “Are you angry with me? Did I do something?“
There was no answer for a few moments, and then he replied, “No.“
There was not much to talk now, but there were plenty of things to be answered. This silence between us was killing me. Sometimes, Silence is more powerful than words or actions. This was not a silence of words. It was a silence in our joyful, jovial, love life. It was a Killer Silence.
(Concluding part coming soon…)