He relieved himself from my grip and went to the bathroom to get ready for office.
His words were still echoing in my mind. “We need to be honest to ourselves.”
We were getting late for the office so both of us were in hurry. There were no further talks between us and we left for our offices as usual. He was giving me a ride to my office in his bike since there was that scary incident of attack on me. He continued doing so today as well.
His statements were disturbing me. I could not pull off my attention from his words which were firmly registered in my mind and were popping up every now and then.
He dropped me to my office and left without saying a word. Sourness is more profoundly felt, after tasting the sweetness. It was not easy for me to digest this sourness in his behavior and attitude after such a sweet and caring attitude in initial phase. Rejection is more devastating than denial. I was being rejected, not denied, and for no apparent reason from my side.
Of course, it was not easy for me to focus on my tasks in office. Every now and then my attention was coming back to his words, “Are… you happy?”, “We should be honest to ourselves.”
The problems are not complex basically. It is us who make them appear complex. “Am I happy?” was also not so tough to answer but it became complex problem when it was associated with many factors. Luckily, a few days back, I was reading a good book on self-improvement and there I found this scientific approach to handle complex problems. The method is called, “Method of Elimination”. In this method, we break down the problem statement in smaller problem statements in terms of associated root-causes and then we start eliminating those which are not essentially a “Need” or are not directly affecting the problem in hand (priority rating based elimination). This gives a clear picture of the “issue” and what need to be addressed to resolve this issue.
I decided to apply this method of elimination to find solution for my problem, “Am I happy?” . Till now, I was unable to decide if I was really happy or if I was not. The dilemma can be resolved if I can figure out both the factors separately.
I picked up a piece of paper and pen and jotted down a few points after breaking down the problem in “Why am I happy” and “Why I am not happy”. Here is the list:
Why am I happy?…. Because:
- My friends and my parents love me unconditionally, and beyond any limits (as of now).
- I see bright future prospects for my career and professional growth.
- I am young, and blessed with a good health and physique.
- I am mostly “Satisfied” with whatever I am blessed with. Most of the times, I don’t have grudges for “missing something” in my life that others might have. (even if I feel sometimes low, it does not last long).
- I am blessed with a friend (partner), who had been loving and caring to me since very beginning and without much of his personal interests (selflessness).
- He has proven many times, that my happiness matters a lot to him and that I am more important for him than his own priorities and goals in his life. He counts me among his top priorities in his life.
Now the list for my “not being happy” covers:
- If I committed my life to him and accept him as my life partner, I may never have my children. I love to have children and play with them. Even if we manage to have children, it may not be good for the child’s future to have “homo-sexual parents”, especially in India.
- We will never have someone to be called our “own” in our old life. Our old age might be a nightmare, lonely life, without any relatives or anyone around us.
- If we do not find it working, our relationship may lead to a disastrous life style. The social norms, and growing age may not allow me to get married at later stage of life. This is the right time to make such a decision.
- My act (of marrying him) may lead to social stigma and problems for my Parents and close friends. I may be boycotted in social gatherings, family functions etc.
- Homosexual couple may face discrimination in workplace and employment.
- One of us may have to compromise on his career prospects and ambitions for professional growth if we get placed in different locations and wanted to stay together.
- I may never be able to enjoy squeezing, sucking, tasting and playing around with those juicy round boobs and wet pussy as I do in my fantasies. After being committed to him, I cannot do that as I am a bit orthodox in this matter and strictly believe in monogamy.
- Both of us, probably may not get sexual satisfaction from each other and may eventually be forced to try alternatives or try other partners or keep longing for it throughout our lives if we remain loyal to each other.
- If I let him go, I may never get the same kind of love and care that he offered to me.
- My fantasies of enjoying sex with boobs and pussy may not be so fun filled in real life without a dose of “Love” added to it. After all it is not his body (appearance or physique) that gives me sexual excitement, rather it is his love, and attention to me that makes me feel content and fulfilled. His care for me and his devotion to us is more satisfying that forces me to make him feel happy all the time and be in his company.
Now, after collecting these points, next step was to prioritize (highest important ones on top) and then eliminate the lower ones which do not fall in the Category of “Needs”, i.e., can have alternatives, or can be avoided altogether. These are the ones which are just serving as confusing points and making the problem look more complex.
I am stuck. I am unable to take any decision further except one or two points. All in the “non happy” list seem to be equally important and may impact our lives on long term. My mind is not allowing me to cross the prejudices it bears and unable see across the boundaries it is confined within.
I initiated this exercise to resolve the conflicts and make the life simpler but now I am even more confused, and bound to think, if my decision was really right?
I shall be obliged for any help in this and any inputs to bring our lives back on correct track.