The Confusion or Mistake?

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It is strange !

And… quite unexpected too, at least for me.

Till the time, I was running away from him, and was not making any commitments for our future or our “so called” relationship, he was actively pursuing me all day and night. He did not leave a stone un-turned to make sure that I accept his love or fall in love with him. He was aggressively following up his plan (I should actually not term it as a “plan”) with new and innovative tricks on daily basis.

But now the story is very different. Since he learned from my Mom that my parents are planning for my marriage, he had rather turned to be a distant observer to me and my life. We had initially decided that we will return home (New Delhi) together by same train, but he moved early (in the morning) and left me alone. Our tickets were reserved for the night journey on same day. It was him, who had bought a confirmed reservation ticket for both of us to be together in return journey.

Till the time he was there, he did not speak to me and avoided all sort of interactions with me. All this was painful for me, but it was acceptable as I could understand why he was doing it to me. Although it was not my fault at all, but it was still a rational behavior from his perspective.

After coming back to our apartment, I tried my best to approach him, but he was still neutral to any of my acts. It was hurting me more than anything else possible in this world. How would you feel when the only love of your life abandons you?  But again, there was a valid reason, and I could understand that too.

Since we returned to our apartment, he stopped cuddling with me, or touching my body from time to time or kissing me, which he used to do earlier. When I confirmed my commitment to him for our relationship to stay together, and accepted him as my life partner, his reaction was a bit confusing. After communicating the Decision for our relationship, he had responded positively. He embraced me, gave me a kiss, and also hugged me. His voice got choked because of over- flow of emotions in a short while and he was unable to complete his sentence. His eyes were wet. He looked happy, a little bit energetic too. I was also happy seeing him happy and to get love of my life back.

But the story is not all the same as it used to be earlier. There are still some gaps between us. He is not his usual self. He is not so jovial anymore, his energy level is also not the same as it used to be before this Durga Puja event or visit to my home. His cute face is not so cute as his trademark mischievous smile has disappeared from his face. He still smiles sometimes but even a blind person can tell it is fake. It is not his natural smile that made his face look more cute and innocent and which filled in positive energy in everyone around him.

He has started talking to me, but it is very limited. He mostly answers me in very short sentences, if it is very much required, otherwise, he mostly nods his head in agreement whatever I say, probably without paying much attention to what I said. He does not give his opinion on anything, like he earlier used to do, whether it be a “Currency Crisis / Cash crisis” due to old Rs.500, and 1000 bills becoming useless, or even if I ask his suggestion on what special should we plan for dinner tonight.

Earlier, he used to cuddle with me through out the night, even though I tried hard during initial days to push him away. I was not habitual of restricted sleep or anyone touching me during sleep, but he did not allow me a chance to enjoy a single night freely. I had spent numerous sleepless nights initially, and slowly, I got habitual to his touching me, and cuddling with me all the night. I learned my way of partial sleep in his company, because I had understood that he wouldn’t allow me to sleep on  my own. Slowly, I started enjoying it and got habitual to his intimate touch, and it gave me a sense of coziness, closeness, love and security. I got so much tuned to his touches that I am now unable to sleep without him cuddling with me. I noticed it during the Trip to my home, when I had to spend sleepless nights without him.

Even after I have communicated my Decision to be with him for the whole life, he has still not changed much from his “new” sleeping habits. He started touching me during sleep time, but it was not “that” passionate touch or cuddling that he used to offer me before visit to my home. He just touches any part of my body remotely, that’s too for a short interval, or till I fell asleep, as if he is doing some sort of formality. His touch does not give me that same assurance or feel of security now. He has changed !

I am also confused and troubled with all this. Why  is he behaving so strangely with me?

Is it because of same human nature that makes us feel tempted to get something till it appears to be far from our reach, and it loses its value and our interest, after we own it? Have I lost importance and significance for him, or in his life?

Or… is there something that I might be missing here and need to work upon to stabilize our relationship. Or perhaps, he might still have some unresolved issues. I am feeling broken down, and don’t know how to get help, and how to restore our lives back to track. Did I make any mistake by committing to this relationship now? Neither him nor I am feeling happy and satisfied at this moment.

I made a lots of efforts to consult many people before finally committing myself to this relationship, through different channels, obviously, online world only, as that is the only available help to me. I am not open to any of my friends and family and hence have no one else to consult on this issue.  Now, I am hesitant of going back to same people asking for their advice again. They were generous enough to help me in this matter but it could now be more irritating to them if I keep on pinging them back with every problem of my life. I am also missing my Dear Love Guru whose advice had always been a life-line to my love-life.

Desperately need Help !  It is already third day today and I am unable to tolerate this artificial life any more. It is painful and killing me inside.


4 Comments Add yours

  1. Neelesh says:

    I’m my opinion I don’t think it’s fair on you because he made you choose between that other girl and him , and you chose him. That shows that you have commitment towards him. But does he still have commitment towards you? I think you should just talk to him, and try not to sound mad or angry at him, just have a normal conversation about what’s going on in his head.


    1. desimunda says:

      Thank you Neelesh. I will definitely try it (actually I have already tried it). But he is now turned into a bit reserved person. He is not opening up. He even does not talk to me now as much as he used to have a normal chit chat earlier.
      But I am still trying.. Thanks for help.


  2. SriChakra says:

    Looks like both of you are at cross roads in your life. You have just made a big decision that’s life changing, and genuinely require the support and care from roomie. On the other hand, your roomie had an unexpected surprise at your home. It must have been a huge shock to him. Although you have agreed to be his partner for life, he probably realised that things cannot be the same. From what you described about your roomie in your previous post, he maybe feeling guilty now , having forced you to choose between him and your family. He may not have meant to separate you from your family but the way things unfolded since Durga Pooja, he has reasons to be apprehensive – both declared each other’s love, but is that sufficient to withstand the social pressures, will people accept you both to live together for ever?
    My suggestion is speak to him, he needs that support from you as much as you. And don’t worry if physical intimacy is the need of the hour, don’t hesitate, words alone cannot provide as much comfort as loving embrace does.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. desimunda says:

      Thank you SriChakra. I totally agree with your point of view. I tried it. At least, I attempted to try it. But could not go through. I am also feeling emotionally weak and have no support to decide right or wrong for both of us.
      Some days back, a few people (online forums) suggested me to take a decision with unbiased mind without doing a “favor” to him. Their opinion was also on similar – “Be honest to yourself”. I guess, I probably could not remain unbiased while taking a decision for us.

      Yes, you are absolutely right, we both need emotional support. But unless he opens up and talk to me about his feelings or his reservations, I don’t exactly come to know what is troubling him the most? I can make a wild guess and act accordingly which I am trying even now.

      Right now, it is almost a cut off between us since he returned back from my home. I feel I am being punished by him.


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