Sometimes, we are stuck in a quick-sand of thoughts. Our beliefs, our principles and our assumptions keep us pulling down. More we try to escape it, deeper we dive in. We get so tightly captured in this quick-sand that it becomes almost impossible to come out of it on our own. We need an “external source” to pull us out. A Source, which is free from the forces holding us down.
My Roomie had also assured me a couple of times, of loyal and life long commitment, but somehow I could not truly trust him on this. His words touched me, but they could not give me courage to move forward. I guess, hearing too much of break-up news among gays/sad stories of such relationships/sex and only sex oriented relationships in homosexuals was a primary reason to make me vary of it.
Luckily, I am blessed to have a few online friends, some of them are following my this eDiary, who shared their frank opinions about me, and my perspective towards life. Their words gave me that assurance and trust which was missing so far. I believed, it was based upon their life-experiences which was weighing in their words. Their opinion and suggestions worked as an “external source” and a life-line for me to pull me out of quick-sand of my thoughts.
That night I could not sleep. This was not only the Naked Truth which made me restless. There was another reason too. There was no touching or embracing from my Roomie after he returned from my home. He had lost the hopes of “us” being together and as did not want to any un-moral things to me who was supposedly going to marry someone else. He relinquished “his rights” on me for my to-be life partner.
I was trying to sleep on side pose, facing opposite to my roomie. “Why could he not be my life-partner?”, thought flashed as Lightning bolt in my mind. “Why?”
I turned back to him. He was also lying in side pose, opposite to me. I moved close to him to have a closer look on his face. I noticed for the first time in my life that it was the most beautiful and innocent face in front of me. Cute too. His eyes were closed. The tender of emotions hiding behind this face started flowing through me. I started feeling his grief on losing his love for someone else, his helplessness and his inability to win his love and his pain when he was unable in securing his position besides a sincere and honest effort. His all attempts were proven in vain and had no result so far (at least from his perspective) and there were no hopes left for future. I felt all this as if I was him and he was I. It was really a heart-wrenching emotional turmoil.
I felt a strong urge to hold him in my arms. It was not out of any act of mercy. It was because it was his right as my life partner. Had he not been a man (same sex), what else could I better get in a person as a life partner? He had already accepted me and sworn in to be committed and loyal to me as my life partner, and devoted his life in my name in the temple, in presence of the Almighty.
I embraced him softly and grabbed his hand in my hand. There was no response from his side. I remembered the God, and my Parents, and asked for their blessings for “us” and our lives, and then kissed softly on his cheek and then whispered in his ear…
“With the grace of Almighty, I accept you as my spouse. Do you accept me, my love?”.
There was no movement from him for a couple of seconds, and then he opened his eyes, and slightly turned his face toward me in sheer disbelief, as if he was trying to ascertain that the unbelievable thing he just heard was not part of his dream.
I gave him a gentle kiss on his cheek as he turned his head to me. As soon as my lips touched his cheek, the same confident, the bright smile returned on his cute face, making it look more attractive.
He came on top of me, and shouted in a surprised tone, “Really?”. I was seeing this happiness on his face after a long gap, which had permanently disappeared after my Mom had hinted him about her plans for my marriage during our visit to my Home.
I hugged him tightly, and asked him again, “Do you accept me as your life partner and spouse? Will you be mine for ever?”
He looked into my eyes for a moment. His eyes were shining, just like his glorious face. And then he kissed me on lips passionately, and said, “Yes, for ever.”, and then we embraced each other, and I heard him saying, “This is ALL I wanted in my life. You gave me a life.”.
His voice was trembling, probably because of overflow of emotions which he was trying to control for a long time. Probably, his fasting for the Karwa Chauth had been effective and fruitful to his beliefs.
I had to make a decision and was required to take a bold step in my life. I was confused. I was nervous. I was scared, and was unable to come to this decision on my own.
I am now feeling happy that I made the correct choice, thanks to support of my online friends and readers of my eDiary. One of the valuable piece of advice is from Vaghun is given below.