(Continued from previous part...)
“Hey ! “, I addressed my Roomie, “Are you still upset? Believe me ! I did not know anything about it.”
Since my Mom had told them that they planned a visit of my expected in-laws to our home during Durga Puja celebration so that they could see me and things could be finalized, both my friend “A”, and my Roomie stopped talking to me. There were least interactions between us. My Roomie avoided every possibility of having an interaction with me since then.
After 4-5 hours of hide and seek, I stopped following him assuming he wanted some break to settle down the things smoothly. When the Jagran started late in the evening, I wore a Kurta Pajama with a stroll, and seated myself at the end of the hall.
It was not only my friend “A” and roomie, who were upset with it. I was also sad as my grief was double to theirs. I did not know what was there in future for me, and my best friends “Roomie” and “A” were not believing me and had made a distance from me. They were not even giving me a chance to clarify my stand on it. I was being penalized for a crime where I was not involved at all.
After the Jagaran started and first Bhent ( A musical prayer / song gifted to Lordess Durga) was mid-way, I saw my Roomie entering the hall. He too was dressed in white Kurta Pajama with a Red long jacket on top of it, covered with a matching stroll. He was looking attractive in it. He went to the front side where Jyoti was ignited and did the Pranam. When he stood up, the Mahant ji (the main priest) blessed him with a Tilak on his forehead. He turned back, and came directly to me at the end of the room and got seated right next to me.
We did not have any talks the whole night except that he grabbed my hand in his hand for a couple of times when a few heart-touching prayers (Bhents or Songs) were sung by the team asking for blessings of Maa Durga for harmonious and successful married life with the love of one’s life.
The Jagran was over next morning, and we did not talk anything. He had initially planned to return back to New Delhi with me by the same train, but I came to know in the morning that there was a sudden change in his program and he was leaving early morning. I believed, it was a result of same un-trust and disappointment developed after that news from my Mom.
“It doesn’t matter.”, there was a short reply this time. It was for the first time since that incident my roomie talked to me in past 2 days.
“It matters to me.”, I replied. I was happy to see at least a positive reaction from him this time but he did not want to hear anything from me. “Have you given it a thought …. even for a moment, how is it impacting me? You have been penalizing me for something that was not my fault at all. I told you that I wasn’t even aware of what my Parents had planned.”
There was a small silence in the room. He picked up his cup of tea, took a sip, and placed it back on the table, and looked in my eyes and said, “I understand it and believe it that you were not aware of it. Okay ! sorry ! Now… what?”
Was he asking for an apology? It did not really sound like an apology.
“What Sorry? What’s all this? Why are you behaving so rudely… so differently with me?” , I asked him. And my eyes were wet when I finished the sentence. The reason was simple. I had lost all hopes and no one was believing me. I found myself helpless and all alone.
He probably noticed it from my trembling voice but did not do anything. He kept holding his cup in his hands without looking at me. He was staring at his cup.
“I am sorry ! I don’t know what to say or what to do. I am confused too and don’t find a way out. Please forgive me.”, He said in an apologetic tone this time, without moving his head up. He was still looking at his cup in his hands but his tone was a bit sympathetic and soft, unlike last time when it was sounding truly rude.
He then left the cup on the table and grabbed my hand in his hands and then said softly, “Look (my name) ! I understand that it is really hard time for both of us. But I am also puzzled. I don’t have a right to stop you from living your life. I cannot snatch a Mother’s happiness and dreams of marrying his only Son to the girl of her choice and start his family. I cannot do it just because I feel I am in love with you.”
He then continued, “It is true that I love you, and cannot live without you. It is also correct that I knew some day this might happen and you probably might leave me all alone, but it was a sudden shock to me to see it happening so soon. Your Parents had not only finalized your to-be bride, but also you might soon tie a knot to her and leave me for ever. It sounds easy to say this but it is really hard for me to imagine a life without you. It was always one side affair from my side. You never allowed me to be part of you love life.”
His last sentence was a not easy for me to digest. I had compromised on a lots of principles governing my earlier life. I allowed my thoughts to be more liberal and flexible enough to accommodate his needs and his desires up to a certain limit, which otherwise was not acceptable to me. I did it all for him to be happy. And I am being told that I never allowed him to be part of my life? It was a direct attack on my self-esteem and more damaging to my ego. He had simply nullified all I did for him so far.
I objected, “That’s not fair.” He probably guessed it correctly from my expressions too. He continued, “I did not mean it that way. But what I am telling you is how I feel about it. I gave you my everything, even more than that. I was at your disposal. You were my everything, always, and will remain the same, the first preference of my life. But I always felt I was behind some “if’s and but’s” in your life. I was always pushed behind other things in your life. You offered me love, but I could never become first preference, not even for a single moment, in your life. I was never your “Love”. You tell me, did you ever truly considered me for life partner? What else? you never allowed me to see you completely naked, forget about having sex or enjoying your body freely even if I wanted it desperately at some point in time. You kept it “safe” for your to-be partner, your wife. You maintained that distance since beginning. I was always a passing by phase, an outsider for you. Isn’t it? I am always afraid to not to disappoint you with any of my acts because you may leave me. I was always at your mercy.”
Naked Truth is bitter and not easy to digest. It was really painful to hear these allegations from my roomie, but it was the truth. I knew it. It was the naked truth. I had been avoiding all possibilities of him touching my private parts, or having a sex with me because deep down me inside, I wanted it to happen only with my life partner. I was not being honest to him and to myself.
I took a moment to think on this line, “Do I really love him? or if he is just a passing phase of my life as he thinks he is?” He was still holding my hand in his hands and was softly massaging it. The room went silent once again. The silence gave me time to reconcile the thoughts and think deeply on what he said about me.
Do I Love him? Yes, I do. Do I see him as a life partner? A tough question to answer for me. But who else would be answering it for me? I needed to take a stand now.