It is a little bit uneasy to sleep when someone is touching you or hugging you. One’s movements disturb the other and also someone’s hugging restricts your own free movements. But slowly, you get habitual to it. You may not sleep well for a couple of nights… but then you are forced by sleep and you are lost! You even don’t know where you are and where your body is. This happened with me too. I had very sensitive sleep pattern earlier. A slightest movement of anyone around me or any feeble noise around me was enough to wake me up till a few days back. But since he started sleeping practice of holding me, hugging me and cuddling with me all the night, I progressed to next advanced phase of sleeping habit. My mind has been trained automatically to ignore all those external nuisances to cover up for the physiological needs.
Usually it was I who used to wake up before him, but now, I am mostly late and wake up after him, all thanks to his daily love making practice in our bed time, and constant hugging etc. Next morning also, I was lost in my dream-world and he was, as usual, sleeping with me, hugging me and holding me as if I am his precious personal property. He does not allow me to be out of his touch even for a single moment all night.
I was brought back to this world from my dream-land when I felt movements of his hand on my chest. He moved his hand all the way from my belly to my face and started caressing my neck and face. He was trying to wake me up. I turned my head to him and tried looking at him. With my half open eyes all I could see was his smiling and loving face. He moved towards me and gave me a “Good Morning” kiss.
And then said, “Let’s get up a bit early today. We have to go somewhere…“.
I did not ask him anything. He has been able to develop that level of understanding between us and root that level of trust in me. It was early in the morning, around 1 hour before our usual daily routine. There was no alarm set, but his way of telling me to get ready was hinting that he had pre-planned it.
After finishing the tea, he said, “Go..! get ready fast… or we will be getting late to our offices.” After we both were ready with our daily chores, he asked me to get dressed in office attire. He said, “We may probably get late and may not have enough time to come back to room for breakfast. Morning office and school hours see peak traffic chaos. We will take something on the way to office. Pick up your laptop bag.“, and pointed out to my laptop bag that I carry to my office.
It was a pleasant, windy morning. It feels so nice to have an early morning walk or ride. The freshness of air and calmness around you has mesmerizing effects to soothe and heal the inner and outer you.
He started his bike, and offered me the helmet to wear when I sat behind him. After around 35 minutes of drive on Delhi’s roads, he entered a premise of an ancient Hindu Temple. He bought some flowers and other offerings to be served to the deity (the God). I was surprized to see this new shade in his personality. I am also spiritual, and believe in God, but not so orthodox and hard-hitting Bhakt (devotee). It is not that I am not in support of them (I love the supernaturals, mythologies, and delicious sweets and other pious food items consumed during various Pujans (worshipping) and fasts), it is just that it is not in my nature. I had never seen him or heard him involved with these kind of things either.
I was looking at him curiously, and with a mixed feeling of happiness and astonishment, when he took off his helmet, and looked in my eyes, and said, “What????…. don’t be so surprized, I also believe in God.“, and smiled at my reaction.
In no time, we were inside the temple’s main room. There was not much crowd today. When it was our turn to do the prayers, the Pandit ji (the Priest) went outside to do the necessary preparations for morning Aarti. It was just two of us and another young lad in his school uniform standing inside this chamber of secrets. He probably would be in age group of 16 to 18 years.
Without giving any importance to that student, he (my Roomie) bowed down in front of the sacred deities. I also followed him. Then he lit the incense sticks and put the coconut, sweets (Bhog-Prasad), flowers, garlands and other offerings he bought from outside to serve the God, in front of the sacred deities. He then pulled his ears to ask for forgiveness in a pose of “Sorry”.. and uttered his prayer like this..
“Dear Lord! I know you don’t need all these rituals. Nor do I. I even don’t know what to do and how to do it but I know you are a very kind heart to accept everything someone brings for you. My Lord, all I want is your blessings for both of us. You are omnipresent, omniscient, and no one needs to tell anything to you. Nothing is hidden from you and you know what is in our minds and our hearts.“
He held my hands in his hands and then continued, “My dear Lord! You know how much I love him and that I have devoted all my life to him and only him. I whole heartily accept him my life partner, and my love, for rest of my life in your presence and evidence. My whole life is now for him and only him. Please give me strength to fulfill my promises to him, and stay committed to him. Please give me your blessings to be his strength always, and that I do not ever hurt him or his feelings, knowingly or unknowingly.” With this his voice started trembling, and I saw tears rolling out of his eyes.
He continued in same state of trance, “O my dear loving Lord! You are the only family I have. Now you have blessed me with this precious gift (he moved our hands close to his heart). This shows how much you care for your beloved children. You love your children very much and are always standing with them no matter how sinful and un-obliged they are. You never count on their sins. Please shower your choicest blessings on both of us and give me the strength to stay honest to us and fulfill my commitments to him. Give me the strength to become his strength whenever he is weak and stand with him wherever he needs me. “
After this, there was a silence. He closed his eyes in same pose, with my hands in his hands and close to his heart. I was still looking at his face, where continuous streams of tears were rolling from both his eyes. I did not know that this jovial, fun-filled, macho man could ever be so emotional too. It was a direct communication between him and his only family. It was all coming directly from bottom of his heart, with his true feelings, and desires.
I looked around, a bit concerned, and found that lad standing still, in a Namaskaar pose to God, and looking at us with a mixture of compassion and wonder. His facial expressions were, soft, merciful, and his eyes were little Watery. His expressions were kind, and were also reflecting a kind of support to my roomie’s emotions. When he noticed me looking at him, he gave me a little smile, wiped his eyes, turned away and left the chamber with his school-bag on his back.
I pulled my one hand from his grip and hugged him tight in my arm. I wiped off his tears with second hand and said, “It’s okay darling” slowly in his ears. By that time Pandit ji also entered in the chamber. He looked at my roomie surprisingly, and asked “What happend?“. I replied to Pandit ji, “Nothing much! It’s a ‘family‘ matter.“
My roomie opened his eyes after hearing my reply to Pandit ji, smiled back and wiped off his tears. I held his one hand in my hand and gave him my handkerchief from the other hand to clean his face. Now we were both standing in front of “our Family” and Pandit Ji started the Aarti.
After Aarti other rituals were completed by the Pandit ji, and he offered us both some Prasad, and gave the Ashirvachan (blessings) , “May the Almighty keep you both always happy and healthy. God bless both of you.“
While coming back, I was feeling a bit heavy psychologically and emotionally too. He had shed a big load from me by answering most of my queries asked last night. Now, there was a clear assurance, a promise, and a commitment for loyalty for the whole life from him.
The heaviness in my thoughts was not because of him. It was me causing this heaviness. I was feeling of being unfair to him. He was clear in his mind and thoughts. He was committed to me, unconditionally. I was not. It was not that I did not love him, but it was rather a dubious battle for me.
His sentence from last night was echoing in my mind regularly, in particular, the statement about controlling his sex needs.
“….That’s why I could not proceed further last night even though I was sexually aroused, super horny and needed much more to satisfy my sexual needs. You can understand you are much more important for me than any other thing…. “.
All of us have experienced the forces of sex and desires that drive us crazy. I understand it very well that when we are in full swing, with all the hormones pumping our body parts and severely impacting our discretionary capabilities , and when we are so close to climax, with that one thing / body / person available to us for which we have been longing throughout our life, how tough is it to control your own desires at that moment?
I was also feeling bad because I now understood what pain he would be suffering through when I repeatedly blamed him unknowingly for being non-committed in future. Now I was able to understand his pain, all because of me, and interpret correctly his statements from last night when he said,
“…It hurts to me, but it is not your fault either. You still could not understand my love for you. I can never imagine anyone except you in my life.“
All the way, we were both silent. I broke that silent, and said, “I will not go office today. Please drop me at XXXXX stop from there I will catch the Metro or the Bus to home.“
“Why? What happened?“, he asked.
“Nothing serious. I just want to take some rest. Could not finish my sleep tonight, feeling sleepy.”, I replied. I knew, it was a lie. But I was really not in position to resume my work either. The hurricane of thoughts in my mind was making me feel very guilty, ugly and uncomfortable. I had been a culprit to hurt his feelings, his love, and restrict him from enjoying his life for so long.
“I’ll drop you home then.” He said, and turned the bike on the way to our home.