Love is Love – Part 2 (Concluding Part)

It is a little bit uneasy to sleep when someone is touching you or hugging you. One’s  movements disturb the other and also someone’s hugging restricts your own free movements. But slowly, you get habitual to it. You may not sleep well for a couple of nights… but then you are forced by sleep and you are lost! You even don’t know where you are and where your body is. This happened with me too. I had very sensitive sleep pattern earlier. A slightest movement of anyone around me or any feeble noise around me was enough to wake me up till a few days back. But since he started sleeping practice of holding me, hugging me and cuddling with me all the night, I progressed to next advanced phase of sleeping habit. My mind has been trained automatically to ignore all those external nuisances to cover up for the physiological needs.

Usually it was I who used to wake up before him, but now, I am mostly late and wake up after him, all thanks to his daily love making practice in our bed time, and constant hugging etc. Next morning also, I was lost in my dream-world and he was, as usual, sleeping with me, hugging me and holding me as if I am his precious personal property. He does not allow me to be out of his touch even for a single moment all night.

sleep2

I was brought back to this world from my dream-land when I felt movements of his hand on my chest. He moved his hand all the way from my belly to my face and started caressing my neck and face. He was trying to wake me up.  I turned my head to him and tried looking at him. With my half open eyes all I could see was his smiling and loving face. He moved towards me and gave me a “Good Morning” kiss.

sleep3

And then said, “Let’s get up a bit early today. We have to go somewhere…“.

I did not ask him anything. He has been able to develop that level of understanding between us and root that level of trust in me. It was early in the morning, around 1 hour before our usual daily routine. There was no alarm set, but his way of telling me to get ready was hinting that he had pre-planned it.

After finishing the tea, he said, “Go..!  get ready fast… or we will be getting late to our offices.” After we both were ready with our daily chores, he asked me to get dressed in office attire. He said, “We may probably get late and may not have enough time to come back to room for breakfast. Morning office and school hours see peak traffic chaos. We will take something on the way to office. Pick up your laptop bag.“, and pointed out to my laptop bag that I carry to my office.

It was a pleasant, windy morning. It feels so nice to have an early morning walk or ride. The freshness of air and calmness around you has mesmerizing effects to soothe and heal the inner and outer you.

He started his bike, and offered me the helmet to wear when I sat behind him. After around 35 minutes of drive on Delhi’s roads, he entered a premise of an ancient Hindu Temple. He bought some flowers and other offerings to be served to the deity (the God). I was surprized to see this new shade in his personality. I am also spiritual, and believe in God, but not so orthodox and hard-hitting Bhakt (devotee). It is not that I am not in support of them (I love the supernaturals, mythologies, and delicious sweets and other pious food items consumed during various Pujans (worshipping) and fasts), it is just that it is not in my nature. I had never seen him or heard him involved with these kind of things either.

Hindu-Temple

I was looking at him curiously, and with a mixed feeling of happiness and astonishment, when he took off his helmet, and looked in my eyes, and said, “What????…. don’t be so surprized, I also believe in God.“, and smiled at my reaction.

In no time, we were inside the temple’s main room. There was not much crowd today.  When it was our turn to do the prayers, the Pandit ji (the Priest) went outside to do the necessary preparations for morning Aarti. It was just two of us and another young lad in his school uniform standing inside this chamber of secrets. He probably would be in age group of 16 to 18 years.

Without giving any importance to that student, he (my Roomie) bowed down in front of the sacred deities. I also followed him.  Then he lit the incense sticks and put the coconut, sweets (Bhog-Prasad), flowers, garlands and other offerings he bought from outside to serve the God,  in front of the sacred deities. He then pulled his ears to ask for forgiveness in a pose of “Sorry”.. and uttered his prayer like this..

Dear Lord! I know you don’t need all these rituals. Nor do I. I even don’t know what to do and how to do it but I know you are a very kind heart to accept everything someone brings for you. My Lord, all I want is your blessings for both of us. You are omnipresent, omniscient, and no one needs to tell anything to you. Nothing is hidden from you and you know what is in our minds and our hearts.

He held my hands in his hands and then continued, “My dear Lord! You know how much I love him and that I have devoted all my life to him and only him. I whole heartily accept him my life partner, and my love, for rest of my life in your presence and evidence. My whole life is now for him and only him.  Please give me strength to fulfill my promises to him, and stay committed to him. Please give me your blessings to be his strength always, and that I do not ever hurt him or his feelings, knowingly or unknowingly.” With this his voice started trembling, and I saw tears rolling out of his eyes.

He continued in same state of trance, “O my dear loving Lord! You are the only family I have. Now you have blessed me with this precious gift (he moved our hands close to his heart). This shows how much you care for your beloved children. You love your children very much and are always standing with them no matter how sinful and un-obliged they are. You never count on their sins. Please shower your choicest blessings on both of us and give me the strength to stay honest to us and fulfill my commitments to him. Give me the strength to become his strength whenever he is weak and stand with him wherever he needs me.

After this, there was a silence. He closed his eyes in same pose, with my hands in his hands and close to his heart. I was still looking at his face, where continuous streams of tears were rolling from both his eyes. I did not know that this jovial, fun-filled, macho man could ever be so emotional too. It was a direct communication between him and his only family. It was all coming directly from bottom of his heart, with his true feelings, and desires.

I looked around, a bit concerned, and found that lad standing still, in a Namaskaar pose to God, and looking at us with a mixture of compassion and wonder. His facial expressions were, soft, merciful, and his eyes were little Watery. His expressions were kind, and were also reflecting a kind of support to my roomie’s emotions. When he noticed me looking at him, he gave me a little smile, wiped his eyes, turned away and left the chamber with his school-bag on his back.

I pulled my one hand from his grip and hugged him tight in my arm. I wiped off his tears with second hand and said, “It’s okay darling” slowly in his ears. By that time Pandit ji also entered in the chamber. He looked at my roomie surprisingly, and asked “What happend?“. I replied to Pandit ji, “Nothing much! It’s a ‘family‘ matter.

My roomie opened his eyes after hearing my reply to Pandit ji, smiled back and wiped off his tears. I held his one hand in my hand and gave him my handkerchief from the other hand to clean his face. Now we were both standing in front of “our Family”  and Pandit Ji started the Aarti.

After Aarti other rituals were completed by the Pandit ji, and he offered us both some Prasad, and gave the Ashirvachan (blessings) , “May the Almighty keep you both always happy and healthy. God bless both of you.

While coming back, I was feeling a bit heavy psychologically and emotionally too. He had shed a big load from me by answering most of my queries asked last night. Now, there was a clear assurance, a promise, and a commitment for loyalty for the whole life from him.

The heaviness in my thoughts was not because of him. It was me causing this heaviness. I was feeling of being unfair to him. He was clear in his mind and thoughts. He was committed to me, unconditionally. I was not. It was not that I did not love him, but it was rather a dubious battle for me.

His sentence from last night was echoing in my mind regularly, in particular, the statement about controlling his sex needs.

“….That’s why I could not proceed further last night even though I was sexually aroused, super horny and needed much more to satisfy my sexual needs. You can understand you are much more important for me than any other thing…. “.

All of us have experienced the forces of sex and desires that drive us crazy. I understand it very well that when we are in full swing, with all the hormones pumping our body parts and  severely impacting our discretionary capabilities , and when we are so close to climax, with that one thing / body / person available to us for which we have been longing throughout our life, how tough is it to control your own desires at that moment?

I was also feeling bad because I now understood what pain he would be suffering through when I repeatedly blamed him unknowingly for being non-committed in future. Now I was able to understand his pain, all because of me, and interpret correctly his statements from last night when he said,

It hurts to me, but it is not your fault either. You still could not understand my love for you. I can never imagine anyone except you in my life.

All the way, we were both silent. I broke that silent, and said, “I will not go office today. Please drop me at XXXXX stop from there I will catch the Metro or the Bus to home.

Why? What happened?“, he asked.

Nothing serious. I just want to take some rest. Could not finish my sleep tonight, feeling sleepy.”, I replied. I knew, it was a lie. But I was really not in position to resume my work either. The hurricane of thoughts in my mind was making me feel very guilty, ugly and uncomfortable. I had been a culprit to hurt his feelings, his love, and restrict him from enjoying his life for so long.

I’ll drop you home then.” He said, and turned the bike on the way to our home.

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17 Comments Add yours

  1. Ajay says:

    Oh God, another cliff hanger!
    I would like to say it from a personal experience, that in any kind of relationship, which is so intense,emotionally; We tend to juxtapose ourself to the other person and compare How he is committed, ready to give everything for this relationship, but You are not even sure if it exist! But may I suggest that you can chose between two options, To accept the existence of this relationship (even for temporary period with all the uncertainties of future) or (if you are not ready to accept it) to prepare the other person (slowly and subconsciously) of the very impossibility and help him to learn living without you, again it doesn’t mean withdrawal but just making him realise it.
    You are one really good writer, I usually spend my weekends reading a good book, I thought of giving your blog a try and Man I was not disappointed! Wish you best!

    Like

    1. desimunda says:

      Your comments, one by one, kept me intrigued, Ajay. I am really happy that you were not disappointed with my love story. I thank you for your suggestion on how to proceed with this love-life and it is warmly welcome. As a matter of fact, there have been certain incidents, that I don’t dare to discuss here, which have dramatically changed my mindset and acceptance for him.

      My love and affection for him started … when and why.. even I don’t know anything about it. It is neither a single incident nor one point in time that can be nailed for it. Small things may make big influence in our lives, and this small piece of muscle, called the Heart, deals with rather complex system of emotions. These small, negligible incidents slowly leave their marks permanently on our emotional and consciousness levels. Slowly, these impressions pile up together and may turn into stronger bonding of love and affection, or hate in the other case.That happened with me too.

      As far as there is a “Cliff hanger” coming up in my stories/posts. I wasn’t even aware that it is causing a problem/restlessness to my readers. I wasn’t even aware that it is coming this way in my posts. It has not being put deliberately in most of the cases. My posts are reflecting my eDiary, which in turn, is a reflection of my real life incidents and ,my thoughts during those times. In my personal notebook, the style of writing is more like self-communication.. i.e. talking with myself or sometimes like talking to my unknown, unseen but a close and familiar friend (my Diary), with whom I can share all my feelings, ups and downs. Here, in this eDiary, I have an added advantage that these unknown, unseen friends, are real and can speak to me though this channel.

      Since these posts are for a recent incident in my life, and even I am not sure at the time of writing how the story is going to end and what lies in future.. (for most of them)…. it is rather natural to find such things reflecting through my post or my thoughts. That’s why it is there in my this eDiary (this blog).

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      1. Ajay says:

        What I meant to say is that your way of narration is really good, as it’s difficult to write about events in past without allowing the present additions to your life events affecting it, to narate things as they were then; without ad hoc experience affecting it! Indicating you are generally a fair minded and unbiased person, as shown by the fact that you took efforts to think about your roommates feelings and your response to it, but sometimes try to be less self-critical, as it will also have impact on your roommate’s mindset. Sorry didn’t want to get into that, but kindly do keep writing its a good habit and is beneficial in many ways and on many levels, like a self observed psyc therapy! Again wish nothing but the best for you!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. desimunda says:

          Thank you my dear Friend, for such a frank opinion. Yes, I agree, and have experienced it, that writing a Diary is way too powerful tool for self-improvement and introspection, if it is un-biased and free from prejudices.

          I am really impressed with kind of maturity and experience you have in this matter. You paid close attention to small things as well. Yes, it is also very true that I am a bit extra sensitive when it comes to emotions and principles, sometimes stubborn (stick to my point of view only unless… I am somehow made to realize the other way around)… that too I started realizing after this habit of self-introspection through Diary writing.
          It is my pleasure to have such an open-minded and helpful reader who is kind enough to share his valuable experience and opinion to make my life better. So, please keep doing that without any hesitation, and you should not feel sorry about it.

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  2. Broken Heart says:

    When I read your story it reminds me the person I used to love.I don’t know whether I still love him or not.

    We were friends almost 7yrs but the day I proposed him he just left me in pieces.

    Like

    1. desimunda says:

      I am so sorry to hear about this sad end of your such a long love story. Even I am also afraid of this thing.. that’s why not able to make any decisions.. what should I do..should I avoid him.. and stay away from him .. to avoid any chances of future pain and separation.. or whole heatedly accept his love and devote myself to his love. I too feel a soft-corner for him.. and love him, although at most of times, there is a repulsion with sex-thing that pushes me away.. but I want to be in his company and with him.

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      1. Anonymous says:

        Withdrawal from his life is an option, but it won’t provide any closure to you or to him, he will not stop loving you just because you are out of his sight, not instantly at least, time dose not heal broken hearts, it just teaches you to live with the pain.
        The repulse of sex is another factor, you can’t just keep touching each other ( sorry for putting it like this).
        BUT you know what, these are the scenarios for the conclusion, when you have to make a choice, and who said its time for that!
        Don’t be in rush to decide on your life yet, Remember apart from your love interest you are also exploring your sexual interest, there’s nothing wrong in feeling repulse about anal sex, you not having any kind of sexual experience is also playing part in your reactions, with just more exploration both physical and emotional (not necessarily with a guy) you might find how exactly you feel about the other side. Nobody is asking you to make choice now, not even your roommate who is in serious love with you. Don’t haste into making choices, dear! Take care!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. desimunda says:

          It’s really a beautiful piece of advice. Thank you. I am obliged.

          Like

      2. Broken Heart says:

        Just don’t leave him.i know I’ve done that mistake that I proposed him .he is too young to understand my feelings.on that time I was very miserable with my life for my sexuality and I need someone by my side so I had no choice but proposed him
        And thought maybe he will stay by my side because I used to think that he is the closest person in my life to share that.i know I should not directly proposed him .but still I was so confused And I just proposed him without thinking anything.it was like my head is going to burst .

        You Just love him don’t leave him.And don’t let him go from your life he is also a precious gift.

        And find a way you two to convince your parent because they are also the most important person of life.it will be hard but don’t forget they always want your good so they would never let you down .just find the right key to convince them.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. carlos707 says:

    I have so much to comment on that I’m afraid I will bore everyone. So I will make it short. I am a mental health counselor in my county and I have explored these issues extensively. This is not simple especially when you throw in ones culture and religious beliefs. Family plays a large part especially when there are expectations of men to be and do certain things (have a family etc). I have been through all these phases, guilt, love, self hate, self repressed, joy, liberation… You name it. In the end you must always be true to yourself and your deeply held beliefs. There will always be opinions of what you should or shouldn’t do. Love comes rarely and devotion such as you described is admirable and rare. Do not let the complications of your own mind take away from your happiness and your roommate’s. You write beautifully and from your heart. I love the seduction of your roomie. He almost sounds like a mythical character of a companion I believe most of us would love to have (I am not doubting your story, he just sounds so incredibly ideal!). I will be here reading your blog faithfully and will also be at your disposal as a friend and as a counselor.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. desimunda says:

      Hello Carlos !

      I am really feeling lucky and blessed to find such a helpful friend. I am sure from your understanding of my love story and from your valuable suggestions that you would have a fair Idea of psychological pressure and dilemma that I have gone through.

      There were times, a few weeks back, when I started hating myself, and I was getting irritated on even petty things. There was nothing that I liked in those days. I was unable to concentrate in my office tasks, my memory and retention capabilities started diminishing strongly. My life was getting darker day by day. I was founding myself (and of course him too) the source of all troubles. I was not able to see any way out of my problems. More I gave it a thought, more I was finding myself helpless, and useless. There were no friends, no family to help me in those times of distress, or discuss it with them. I did not want to hate him, but it was happening automatically. I was kind of forced to do that. And the root cause of it was “I”.

      During those days, a few of my lovely online friends (also the readers of my eDiary), took their precious time to read my story in detail, paid attention to even minute things and shared their experiences with me. Their suggestions and guidance helped me solve my puzzles a little and made my life and thoughts a bit easier on me. You might have noticed it through some of comments in my various posts. Adore Abhijit (I call him Love-Guru because of his expertise in this matter), Ajay, Sridhar and a couple of others are just to name a few, but, slowly, due to some reasons, they also left me on my own, and I was again not able to find any help. Probably it was also part of my fate.

      You are absolutely right, social pressure, cultural differences, beliefs and value-system put a big difference but in my limited interaction with a few online friends, I noticed that similar issues are there with most of the people irrespective of their origin or social background. For some, these are more prominent, which makes their life harder, and some have liberal thinking, and their society is now a little more accepting to this. I guess, probably this is why non-Indian readers of my love-story hardly think it worth-while to give me their opinion because they probably do not want to interfere with people of unknown life-styles (or may be, just as you have quoted it, they did not consider it a real life story at all!).

      It is really very rare, and probably second time since I started writing this eDiary that someone who is not from India, took it a little seriously and is willing to help me too with his valuable suggestions. You would not believe how happy I am. I got a moral and psychological support from you and now not feeling “all alone”.

      Like

    2. desimunda says:

      Well… forgot to add one thing here… I don’t accept it completely when he says…”I don’t want anything from you in return” because I have felt he is… most of the times.. and almost daily… desperate to get physical with me… and perhaps.. I guess so…. my body is his weakness.

      But again, I appreciate that he puts a lot of efforts in controlling his desires and hunger for sex and gives importance to my preferences (except once or twice when I felt he went out of control and crossed his limits).

      Like

  4. desimunda says:

    You know, Carlos, even sometimes it becomes hard for me to believe that it could be all real. It does not appear logical from real life experiences.

    Even I start having strong doubts on his “love” for me every few days. My logical reasoning does not allow me to accept it. Life cannot be so kind, especially on stupids like me. I don’t really find a reason to believe in “his love for me” especially when he says “Don’t want anything from you in return”. A self-less love, pure love… I can’t imagine it. There need to be a “reason” , logically. Or may be, there is something, that is beyond my level of understanding. But when I am with him, I don’t find a reason to not to trust him either.

    Like

  5. Anonymous says:

    Hey u der….don’t be confused or get hasty of your situations….live your life as it comes….make it worth for living…..and never ever think love do not exist…..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. desimunda says:

      Wow ! That’s one of the most honest feelings expressed here. 😀 Thanks for your precious time to share your kind words with me.

      Like

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