I don’t really know what is this.. and why is it so.. but for last couple of days, I am feeling very fragile, upset, emotionally down and useless. I even don’t want to be with him. His presence and his actions are repelling me and he is looking more irritating to me now.
I don’t understand what brought so many drastic changes in me and my life in last couple of days but it is like this only. It is not that he is doing something new. Whatever he does is always smoothing and caring but now even that is irritating me. Is it uncertainty, anxiety or any thing else?
I am now getting frustrated easily and boil quickly at mere glimpse of his body, or if he touches me. I don’t like talking to him. The worst part is the guy whom I started liking and feeling in love with him recently, now the same guy is becoming a target of hate for me. He had probably not done anything wrong. The problem is with me, but I don’t know how to get out of this problem.
Desi's eDiary 
What is your theory on this? Why do you think you are acting like this?
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I don’t know Abhijit, but I am scared. I have interacted with around (a little less than) 100 gay guys on internet, through facebook or other channels. Although it is good to see that there are many who truly want to settle down in a permanent relationship, but my other findings are more scary. I could not find a single gay-couple who is in relationship or who is still enjoying his relationship with a married/loyal gay partner. Everyone, (literally everyone) I found, was desperate to find his love of life but was unsuccessful.
There are more dark shades. Most of them had experiences that they were “used” by their gay partner who later, left him behind either because of “new” taste or preferences.
This is all when it does not involve any real life issues of “Roti, Kapdaa aur Makaan (family)”. This slowly is making them all more hollow from inside, and making them weaker in psychological and emotional fronts. They slowly tend to be more demanding and this unsatisfying quenching thirst of love, combined with lonliness, usually leads to depression like symptoms. Everyone may not be lucky to get a support from family and friends if they disclose it to them.
I am loosing all positive hopes and confidence. Everything in this life has started appearing to me a sham !
I remember Sridhar’s comments on last post too. If it is real love, it should not depend upon “need” for sex between us. The love must exist even if there is no sex. Where as there have been many sexual advancements from his side.. with or without my consent.
I am dumped. I don’t find anyone or anything “real” and “satisfying”. It seems (a bit sorry to say, but it now seems true to me) that in gay relationships, people are inclined with sexual/physical attraction only and as long as there is sexual interest. I haven’t seen any real gay couple in past 3 months since I started this blog.
Now I feel he is also one of the same kind. Manipulating my emotions, I have my family (parents) but in last one week I suddenly started feeling “alone” in this world.
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I am sorry you feel that way. While your fears are not unsubstantiated, you should not let it influence your own feelings or presume things about your roommate.
Sexual attraction is an important aspect of human nature. Denying it or fighting it can only make you feel more closed off and suffocated.
So what if what you have with your roommate does not last? You will at least have the time that you spend together. It is better than spending your life wondering what could have been if you gave it a chance.
Whatever your sexual orientation is, it is inherent, it won’t change simply if you wish it. Maybe someday you will feel this way about a girl and can hope to settle with her. Or maybe you will spend your whole life waiting and wonder whether you should have taken the chance.
We can’t predict our future only try to make our present happier. If you have genuine reasons to not trust your roommate and feel from your gut that it’s a bad idea than finish it and find a new place to stay. If it’s only your insecurity then try to ease into the idea of giving this a chance.
I am jealous of you really. Because I don’t feel sexual attraction the way you have described you feel for him. And I am an open and out gay man. I feel such a waste of one though, because I am not sexual at all
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You have again proven it Abhi. You won’t believe, I was really “suffocating” for past few days. I was finding myself all alone in this world, even my close friends from childhood and my parents.. all who were very dear and near to me, were so distant that I was unable to share anything with them..
I was unable to share the pains and sorrows I was going through. You again brought a light of hope for me. Probably you won’t understand how much you influence me and my thoughts and how much do I value your words. I am feeling better after sharing it with you here tonight.
Apart from other things in your comment, which are very helping to me, there is something I did not understand. Your last paragraph.
Firstly, I do not feel the sexual attraction for him all the time. It happens only once in a blue moon, mostly when I feel more deeply attached to him at emotional levels and he does something to seduce me. Otherwise, I see him daily.. almost nude.. in undies.. but I hardly ever get a feeling of sexual attraction. Instead, for last week or so, I was feeling repulsive from him and his body was more distracting to me …that again I believe was majorly due to my emotional unstable state of mind …which was in trauma.. lonliness before reading your comments today. What attracted me initally towards him was …and more appealing for me was.. his committment towards me.. and his “being mine..and only mine.. forever” kind of offer. His actions, reactions, promises, everything was repeatedly saying one thing…
“I am just yours and only yours whether you accept me or not.”
And now when I started doubting him and his intentions, slowly everything started appearing a false trap to me. My useless internet research results further solidified my fears… and some other comments too. All factors mixed together made me believe more negatively than what could be the case.
I am also asexual most of the time. Don’t get easily inclined to sex thing. …then what does it mean.. “I am jealous of you… because… not sexual at all”??
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