A Harsh world (Thoughts)

I wanted to get ready for today’s date with Divyangana (as I promised her last Sunday) but I am not in a position to keep up to my promise, for two reasons. First, I am suffering from common cold and viral fever, and cannot spoil my first date having a badly running nose and headache (after all… the first impression is the last impression and this would be our first date.. ) and secondly, a small chit chat with a guy on Facebook yesterday spoiled my mood and touched me deeply. My last post.. “No, there is no end…” also resulted in after my discussions with him. I will discuss it briefly here.

He pinged me on FB messenger and asked my location and other details. This was our first ever interaction. I usually don’t entertain people or messages who are looking for a sex partner, so this was one of those chats which did not start with top/bottom … age kind of questions. The guy (let me call him “A” for easy reference in this post) was a student of age 19 (a bit younger to me), looking for a life partner, preferably a matured one. He was enrolled in a graduate level degree in IT (Information Technology) course from some university.  He offered me a chance (to be one of the lucky guys) to be considered for a long term, loyal, marriage kind of homo-sexual relationship with him. I told him about my confusion with my sexual identity and that I already have one friend who considers me his boy-friend (Patented “Maaaal”). In other words, I politely informed him that I am bit unavailable for the time being and that my first priority is to settle down in my life and career, but when do the bride-grooms pay attention to such words?

I was touched by his feelings and sufferings that he was undergoing as a homosexual in India. I believe these are more or less same across the globe with a little degree of variations. I was able to co-relate with it because recently I have also undergone a deep analysis of some of similar questions after my roomie’s revelations to me that he loves me beyond just a friendship and sees two of us as in a Husband-Wife kind of  relationship.

He was so disappointed and depressed with dual-life that a homo-sexual has to undergo and fight with his own identity and social recognition that he had considered escaping the traumatic life by committing suicide a few times, but his strong tie-ups with his close-knit family members stopped him from taking such an extreme step.

I tried my best to convince him that “Suicide” is never going to help … or end his problems or find an escape. I also tried to motivate him by looking on positive aspects of life and to first focus on shaping his career and to get stable financially with at least a decent job as he is still in charming years of his student life. He was also concerned about his chubby looks (which he wanted to share me in advance as a part of his marriage proposal because mostly this may lead to rejections at a later stage), which again, in my opinion, was nothing to loose hearts. An “out-of-shape” body can be trimmed and toned to be in an attractive shape and there are many celebrities available as a live example of it that without undergoing any cosmetic surgery, just focusing on the diet and following a rigorous exercise regime under supervision of a trained personnel it can be achieved. Cosmetic surgery is also an option but it might be costly and out of budget for many.

I was consoling him, motivating him and giving him examples of success in life so that he feels good about life and a bit motivated …that he does not consider himself a looser or un-wanted. But even after we finished a chat in around 45 minutes, I could not take him out of my mind.

There are some questions, which are still bubbling up again and again.  Could you help find a solution?

What is it that made that guy desperate for a marriage at an early age of 19 years? I am seeing an interesting number of posts for loyal, marriage type of relationship between two guys at such an early age. Is it just a hormone-level change… or an intense desire for sex or insecurity?

Kids were growing earlier too, and marry and there were not so many extra marital affairs in society before Internet era begun in India. There were also not so many confusing terms (that I learnt recently) about sexuality like fluid, homo, bi, etc., or we were not simply aware of such confusing terms, and our life was simple without being “named” and Tagged differently. Even today, in rural area, kids are more intimate physically than those in cities and metros, still not worrying about being gay or something. They don’t bother about being tied to terms and tags like these. It is more of emotional flow than bodily flow. They enjoy touching and exploring each other’s bodies and still don’t feel a lot more difference in their married life after they are married to a woman.

Where as in metros or in Western countries, you will be doing “Sin” or will be mis-interpreted as being gay, if you happen to touch any (hands, back, shoulder, leg, thigh, neck, arms, fingers, hair, etc….) part of your friend and it will be considered as being intimate for physical relationship. What the shit ! But now, even I also realize that it may be true to some extent even in India. Actually it is all part and parcel of our social and cultural values that we grow in. India is not so “Indian” now as it used to be a few years back.. all the value-system has been westernized. Kids are getting more sensitive to sexual values and more active sexually with every new generation coming up.  Even I was considered a fit for his quest of a “Matured life parnter” by a kid of age 19 years, where as there is hardly a year or two’s gap in our age.

Whatever it is, it is very sad, and disappointing. First, the pressure for hiding the sexual identity from family, our loved ones, and society, and then being ignored or tortured by others for just being person who has a different taste. I hate the every night stand and sexual play that is a taboo in this Sexual community and the trend of running after the physical looks without considering any other factor (besides money) to select a partner. I also hate the trend of hopping on from one partner to another as easy as changing your bed-sheets every few months, but that cannot be applied to every one.

One cannot be punished for showing his affection and loving someone. Why cannot people see the two hearts beating in love for each other without looking on the skins and bodies covering them?

It is extremely hard to find true love, and even harder to find it in gay-world. That makes me more emphatic to my roommate and his emotional needs and other needs and value his devotion for true love.

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