(Contd.. from previous post)
I covered the mic-area of my phone and my mouth with my hand and spoke in very low voice so that my roomie, who was standing next to me does not hear our conversation, and asked, “Lekin Jahaanpnaah ! iss gustakh ki kaun si khidmat pe aap itne meherbaan hain?” (But My-Lord, what did I do that pleased you so much?)
“Arrey ! tumne apne roommate ki itni sevaa ki hai.. jab vo bimaar thaa.. kya ye kam hai? Ab hum tumhaari seva se khush ho kar tumein movie dikhayenge“, she replied. (“Eh !… You did a marvelous job of taking care of your roommate when he was not well… doesn’t that count? Now, I will reward you with a movie show in lieu of your selfless services to your roommate”)
She knew, I was fond-of watching movies. But there was a problem. My savings had already depleted recently when I had to shell-out roughly Rupees Ten Thousand all of a sudden for treatment, consultation and other medical expenses of my roomie. Going out with a girl means you need money in your pocket… a lot of extra money. I cannot enjoy solely on her money. It is against my principles and values, even though she belongs to a financially upper-class family.
There was another concern. If someone from my office finds two of us together on a Sunday evening, in a Cineplex / Mall, it may not be good for both of us as it will add more to already bubbling gossips in the office. We have already been tagged among some of the hot love-birds in the office.
Keeping in mind both the points, I considered it a better option to somehow avoid this tempting “reward”, if possible. I looked around to see if my roomie is still standing there. Yes, he was there. I stared at him furiously for a moment, holding my talks with Divyangana, which signaled him clearly to “fuck-off from here immediately”. After he left the balcony, I replied politely, “Divya, I am not sure if I would be able to make it tomorrow. I have some important personal work to finish tomorrow that cannot be postponed. Let’s keep it for some other time.“
“What is it?“, she enquired.
I was not prepared for such a direct hit. I was speechless. Suddenly I noticed him (my roomie) roaming near the balcony door. I got a clue to give a reasonable excuse. “Actually, I had already planned this Sunday with my roomie. I am sorry, I cannot break my promise.“, I told her.
She just said, “Oh !“, and then went silent for a couple of moments. Then I heard her saying, “Cann’t you manage it with your roomie for some other time? You know it has been such a long gap we haven’t seen each other. If you are hesitant, let me talk to your friend about it.“
“Divya, I won’t feel good if I am unable to keep my words when I can. I hope, you may understand it how important is it for me. One can escape from others, but not from oneself.“, I told her. Although the promise was just an excuse but it is a fact that I feel obliged to keep my words to the best of my capacity.
She heard me patiently and then said, “OK! Never mind. Let’s keep it for next Sunday then. That’s mine now“.7th of every month is our pay-day, and I would be getting the salary (stipend) before next Sunday, so yes, this offer was acceptable to me. I agreed to her offer, and then after a small chit-chat she gave me an electrifying (electronic) good-night-kiss through cell phone and we disconnected.
When I entered the room, my roomie was already in his bed and was pretending to be asleep. I was extremely annoyed at his spying attitude throughout my conversation with Divya, but when he did not respond to me, I decided to talk to him next morning about it. It was a big problem that need to be addressed timely.
Sunday morning, when I woke up, I wanted to talk to him straight about this spying thing the very first thing in the morning, but I decided to patiently wait till noon, as I did not wish to ruin his whole day like I did last time. Similar scolding incident during bed-tea on last to last Sunday had turned our lives into a nightmare after he had been admitted to hospital. I did not want to repeat any mistakes. Although we were not talking to each other for almost 4 days now, but he was continually trying to establish normal friendly routine between us.
After our breakfasts, I said to him, “What do you think, you are Sherlock Holmes? How dare you breach my privacy? Can’t I have any personal moments in my life?“
He got up, picked up two paper slips from the drawer of table and moved towards me, and said, “I am sorry if you felt that way. I did not intend to do it. I was not following you in Balcony, it was too hot and humid here in the room, so when you went in open, I thought it could be a better idea to breeze in the fresh air like you and moved to balcony.“
It was our first communication in last 4 days. I knew he was lying. He was still holding those two paper slips in his hands pointing towards me to take it from him. “What is it?“, I asked while taking paper slips from him.
These were two movie-tickets for today. “It is for you“, he said with a smile, and then made an innocent face and said, “I don’t know how to apologize properly, but please forgive me for all my mistakes. I am so confused that I don’t understand which act of mine may make you angry. Believe me, I did not want to annoy you even in my dreams. I cannot manage without you.” It was his way of saying sorry to me and to re-start a normal life. Not bad though.
There was a truth in his apology that was already hinted to me by Adorable Love Guru in comments of my previous post. Actually he might have got confused with my involvement and increased physical intimacy with him. I never precisely defined the boundaries for him except the words “I don’t love you the way you love me” in the very beginning, which were very vague and lost much of its significance when I got involved with him physically recently. It was a right time to set his expectations but before I could say anything he asked me, “Who was that pretty girl? Is she your girl-friend?“
“How dare he interfere in my personal matters?”, I was just thinking and was about to ask it when he said again, “Please don’t mind. I am just curious. Actually I want to apologize for my spying on you last night. I could not control it. It happened automatically out of feeling of insecurity to loose you. I am really nervous and it is breaking me down day by day. I don’t understand what act may make you angry and take you away from me. I cannot imagine my life without you“. When he finished, there were tears in his eyes. He could not be more honest in expressing his fears to me or to make me realize how hard I have made it for him to survive and live in constant fears.
I also realized that I am actually dominating him unknowingly, and may even be leading him to a nervous breakdown. The scenes from previous incidents, his condition and his face, when he was heart-broken, under depression or similar psychological pressure kind of thing skimmed through my eyes instantly. I forgot all my past grudges and hugged him tightly. I wanted to say a lot of things but nothing was coming out of my mouth. We kept on hugging each-other like this for some moments and then I said, “You need not to fear for anything. We will always be friends, no matter what comes in. But you need to understand it that we may have different choices. To be honest with you, I am still not clear on what I am and what do I want. I am not clear on what are my sexual preferences and how will our friendship go but believe me, you may always count me as one of your best friends.“
I paused for a moment, and wiped off his tears and then said, “And I believe you will also respect our privacy and will not break the trust I have in you.” I told him in short that sometimes I feel attracted to him physically but that is very rare and that when he does something unexpected or crosses his trusted boundaries like he did to touch my crotch over my shorts or kissing my belly button when I was supposedly sleep, was totally wrong and I did not like it.
I don’t know how much could he understand from what I told him or how clearly I could explain my feelings and define the boundaries between us, but I guess, there will be lesser conflicts between us now onward (if we can control the desires for sex/fore-play and he respects my feelings).
I was also happy to find our life back on track and said, “let’s get ready for the show tonight“.