After the intimate moments discussed in my previous post, we had small fight next day. The cause of fight was big enough for me to break all sort of communications with him. But this time I was alert on not being extremely harsh to him to avoid similar situation leading to his hospitalization. In fact, I was afraid of his going back in depression or heart-broken state so I just considered it better to stop all communications with him. We were not talking to each-other for last 3 days since he repeated similar stupid mistake of touching my private part.
He tried in different ways to start a communication but I closed all the doors for him to succeed in his efforts. The fact (as suggested by my Adorable Love Guru) that I had not made it clear to him about the boundaries that he should not cross in between us, was also convincing me that he was not completely at fault. So, once again, I was having a soft-corner for him in my heart. He was undergoing a punishment for something that he had done (probably) by mistake/un-knowingly. But I was in no mood to tolerate his non-sense acts.
I tried many times to explain him about my situation and feelings for him, but after seeing his face, and looking in to his eyes, I could not dare to tell him all the crap. I find myself in a dilemma to be rude once again and break his heart, which may ultimately lead him to undergo a love-crisis situation, and he may once again loose interest in life. Whenever I try, his innocent face reminds me of the situation when he was admitted to emergency room of the hospital due to a similar situation and fight between us some time back. I really do not want to repeat that situation especially, now when he has recovered and learnt to smile after a lot of efforts and prayers.
I understand that it is important but I don’t know how to make it clear to him without hurting his feelings or going back through similar trauma. I am still looking for an appropriate moment and courage to tell him frankly about me, about us. There is nothing much to tell him as I had already clarified him everything in the very beginning when he confessed his love to me, but a lot has changed since then. I am seeing new developments in me, in my emotions and in my feelings for him. I am also not clear about myself, but I need to warn him about potential risks of being with me so that he stays safe and sound in his life and love-life.
I have developed a lot of (new) feelings for him since he has returned back home after getting discharged from hospital. I get panicked if I see him not very active or “down”. I feel happy seeing him smile and laugh and enjoy his life, as he used to do it earlier. I am concerned about his well-being whether I am in office or en-route, returning back home. Sometimes I feel his smooth body attractive and I want to touch it (a more recent development). Some other times I want to embrace him and hold him in my arms and keep him in my safe custody. Sometimes, I want to kiss him and give him whatever he wants to make him happy. Sometimes, I feel strong attraction towards him, but that is mostly when I find myself emotionally attached to him. Some other times, when he crosses his limits and repeats his stupid mistakes, I don’t want to see him again. But this hatred feeling is not so strong now…and diminishes very fast. Even if I am not talking to him now, I want him to be around me. Seeing him happy makes me feel happy.