What is wrong…?

…with Me?

I am wondering…

… Wondering about… What makes us feel someone so special for us that we cannot live without him even for a second???

No, it is not his body (physical attraction) that is pulling me towards him. The looks serve the purpose of “attraction” only in first few meetings… but later… you may find yourself attracted to (or repelled to) same person after spending some time with him. Definitely, it is way beyond the physical thing. What is this invisible force that has suddenly come to my life so strongly that I am loosing myself?

I want him to be around me all the time, and that makes me feel happy. Mere thought of loosing him for good gives me shivers down my spine. If I don’t see him home in the evening when I get back home from office, I am restless and surrounded with negative feelings and fear of losing him. This new feeling … the fear… that entered in my life… is ruining it… I used to be a happy-go-lucky guy till a few days back.

Sometime back, we were two strangers who met with each other by co-incidence. And now, I don’t feel him stranger anymore from bottom of my heart. I don’t know much about him yet, but I don’t feel any “need” to know anything else about him. Isn’t it sounding stupid?

What’s wrong with me?

…with Him?

I am wondering…

… wondering about… what is wrong with him?

He is no more the same person, he used to be before that Sunday’s event. He was a fun-filled, jovial, energetic, talkative and lovely guy. Now his smile seems to be fake. He talks very less, thinks too much, eats even lesser. His energy level seems to have been  depleted.

I noticed several changes…. he avoids direct eye contacts with me most of the time, even while talking to me he looks elsewhere.   He has restricted himself too much and even during night he is sleeping in “Attention” pose … straight on his side of bed.. confined with in his boundaries. I’ve not noticed any accidental touch on my body as he used to do every night (deliberately, I believe) before this event.

He is still glancing me (my body)… but with furtively glances… mostly when I do not notice it (or he thinks I cannot notice it easily). His all actions are not as natural as it used to be earlier. He is living a life-less life. We both are. To add more to it, I don’t  know what should I do to improve this situation and make him (and myself) more comfortable, relaxed and enjoy each others’ company. I want that old days back when we both were quite happy and enjoying our lives together in this room.

Sometimes, I wonder if this is just because of the medication or his health-condition which is still in recovery phase, or is it an after-effect of that stress/depression phase that he might have undergone for those 3 days, …. or is it my scolding and harsh treatment that has severely damaged his life irrecoverably?

I am very concerned and feel sorry and guilty for this condition and would like to do the best I can to get back to a normal and happy life once again. I am already trying it way beyond my capacity to be more friendlier with him, more intimate with him and  and to gain his confidence back in me, but not seeing the expected results yet. I tried my best… to eradicate his “guilty feeling”, hugged him many times, kissed him, and be very caring and supportive to him so that he does not feel that he committed a crime but I am losing my hopes now.

What is wrong with us?


5 Comments Add yours

  1. adoreabhijit says:

    There’s nothing wrong with you. You just happened to ‘catch’ feelings for him. That’s how it feels to care about someone deeply. It’s not all roses and sunshine, it is also insecurity and fear. But without both the negative and positive aspects, these feelings wouldnt be complete.
    As for your roommate, obviously that days incident has shaken him a lot hard. Which is why he cannot bring himself to be casual around you, his instinct to not make another such mistake kicks in.One way to help him overcome it is if you initiate your next intimate contact, i.e only if you are really into him. If you have doubts in your mind, better clear them first.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. desimunda says:

      Thanks Abhijit. You really are adorable friend, having an excellent understanding of human psychology and relationship.

      I am dying desperately to see him happy and smiling once again. I cannot tolerate seeing him shattered and loosing the life.
      I don’t quite know how to clear my doubts… or … anything else.. but I know one thing for sure… I cannot bear this pain any longer of seeing him living a life-less life like this. It is killing me too.

      It is now almost a week to that incident but I am not seeing much of expected improvement in situation. I am loosing my positive hopes to win back the battle against the odds besides my extra and bold effects.

      Sometimes it appear that it (my extra and bold efforts) may work but that effect does not last longer… it retraces back to same situation after some time.


    2. desimunda says:

      Your suggestion again gave me a new hope… something new to try. Thanks. But even I am afraid of trying it..because of your warning in last statement. Your experience and words bear great value for me. I have seen temporary relief after Kissing, hugging etc. but after a few hours it gets back to same situation. It is also initiated from my side now .. not from him anymore.


      1. adoreabhijit says:

        Have an honest conversation with him. Tell him about your feelings and doubts. Let him hear your side of the story. He is hurt and afraid. Also let him tell you his side of the story. Assure him that you will not leave him, that you are sorry for making him feel so bad about himself. Tell him you miss him and his carefree self.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. desimunda says:

          Love you Abhijit. I owe you a party, if everything gets back on track.

          Liked by 1 person

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