It was around 9:30 in the morning. It was Sunday so there was no hurry to get up early as usual work days. I got up, and prepared the tea for both of us. We usually take turns alternately, or anyone who leaves bed early puts it on gas stove. It was his turn today but since I was the early bird, I prepared it for both of us.
Around 15-20 minutes later, having finished with all daily hygiene and necessities, I hinted him that the tea is ready. He was awake but still lying in bed, probably waiting for me to free the toilet cum bathroom. When he came back from toilet after 2-3 minutes, I was serving the tea and cookies on the bed cum breakfast table.
“Good morning, dear“, he greeted me.
“Good morning“, I replied while taking a sip from my cup of tea.
He picked up the news paper from the floor that the hawker slides through the main door, and joined me on the other side of bed for the tea.
There was a silent for some time. He continued going through the news paper while enjoying the “Masaala Tea” I had prepared.
I broke the silence in the room and said, “I was awake when you kissed my belly button last to last night.” I am straight forward, and don’t know how to put words more diplomatically, specially when I am agitated.
His color faded away. It looked extra bright momentarily and then turned pale-yellow all of a sudden. He coughed while trying to swallow the cookies he was taking a bite, when I finished my sentence. And then he looked at me, with a fake smile on his face. It was not one of his cute smiles. Nervousness and hesitation were speaking loudly through his smile and his eyes. He could not continue looking at my eyes and moved his head back to news paper, and said in a soft, diminishing tone, “I… I.. am sorry“.
I could not decide if it was a genuine apology due to his guilty feeling of being caught red-handed, or if he was aware of what wrong he has done, but I was not in a mood to accept apologies. Not that too easily. Wrath, disappointment and other negative feelings had already pre-occupied my mind for more than 24 hours now and I wanted a sort of punishment or revenge. I was annoyed on his act and had only one feeling of “hatred” left for him. When your expectations are shattered, or you are hurt, you are not in a position to discriminate between what is right or wrong. You are not the same “human” anymore.
Without paying any attention to what his response was, or how he is reacting to my allegations, I continued, “I did not expect it from you whom I considered a good friend of mine, and trusted you. I had already made it very clear the same day that I don’t love you the way you loved me, and that I just see you as a good person and value your friendship. You don’t even deserve a friendship. I am not homophobic, but people like you make it worse for others to see homosexuals with dignity and respect. It is all about sex, all the time, you proved it again.” I paused for a moment, but the volcano inside me was still erupting. I continued, “Actually, you never loved me at the first place. All you wanted from me was my body. Disgusting !“
I finished these lines, and was looking at him to see his reactions now. But he was just a statue, without any movements. He was all ears, his head bowed down towards his lap (or perhaps towards the end of the news paper in front of him on the bed) and steadily holding his cup of tea in his hands.
Since I started pouring out my wrath on him, I did not notice any movements in him after he moved his head down. That gave me shivers and a reason to stop. “Is he alright? Am I being too harsh?”, I thought for a moment and then I looked at his chest, he was still breathing. My feelings of “Why should I care.. ?”, came back instantly.
Till last night, I did not have courage to talk to him on this topic, fearing of his reactions or cross-allegations (I had imagined him putting cross allegations on me to save himself) or even in worse scenario like tarnishing my reputation by defaming me at my office and among my colleagues and in the society. All the thoughts were getting piled up in my mind for more than 24 hours and had no way to come out. It was creating a tremendous psychological pressure and was making it difficult for me to survive. I was really in big pain and disappointment and had no way to shed my load until last night when a Facebook friend of mine (Remember,”A” from my last post), discussed it with me. He suggested me to discuss the matter with him (my roomie) upfront. He also suggested me to stop being so creative in all my imaginary “what..if…” situations, and face the situation in real life leaving all the fears behind. He made me clearly see the importance of why should I talk to him to avoid any potential future complications and problems, if I really don’t like what happened with me last night.
I am usually not agitated easily, but once boiled up, it shoots high. Extra-ordinarily high. I usually take things lightly and fun-way but it was something that disappointed me way beyond my expectations. I value personal relationships highly, and trust and loyalty has always been a great factors appealing me. His act had nailed me down by hitting directly on my weak spots – Trust and Relationship. I could not tolerate it.
I concluded this and said, “I have decided to move to new accommodation. It may take some time for me to find new flat, but till then we won’t interfere in each others life.”
Finishing this conversation, I got up from bed, with my almost half filled cup. It had turned into a “cold tea”, and had to be drained in to sink.
He was still sitting in that pose, with his cup of tea in his hand and head downwards.
(To be contd…)