Although, I had not said anything to him at his confession of love, but I was not feeling easy either. I wasn’t able to understand what was disturbing me. There was something that I need to tell him. I know I could not dare to make him feel sad or heart-broken because of me (I cannot stand myself with guilty feeling of breaking someone’s heart) but I even cannot let it go this way, which may sooner or later, give him deeper pain. I don’t want to let him live with false expectations or hopes. I don’t “Love” him the way “he loves me”. I like him as a roommate, as a person, and as a friend. He is a fun, charming, light-witted, easy-going, energetic, and caring person, but that does not make me feel “in love” with him. I enjoy his company as a friend, that’s all. I was in dilemma as I was not finding a way to speak-out my (harsh) feelings and words. I don’t want to be a cause of pain to him (or anyone). But it cannot be postponed either.
Waiting for a right time to speak about it, and struck in a “Do …or not to do…” debate running in my mind, we had our dinner together. He had already ordered a pizza, garlic bread and some cold drinks that was delivered at scheduled time. After our meals, and small chit chat, he hugged me once again and said “Happy Birthday (my name)! I Love you more than anything in my life.” And then turned to his side of bed, and said, “Good night”. I also turned off the light and switched on the night lamp and replied “Good night.“
His reminding me of “How much he loves me” was agitating me and provoking me to make him aware of limitations and my feelings for him. I collected all my courage and said, “XXXX (Called his name), I want to talk to you about something.”
“Yeah.. tell me“, he said, while lying on his bed and looking at me.
I started speaking slowly, but in a positive tone… “Tell me honestly, Why do you love me? I mean what is it in me that made you fall in love with me in such a short time period of 2 weeks? We barely knew each other till couple of days back. I even don’t know anything about you except your name and that you own a bike and work at XXXX (company name). Don’t you think it is some sort of infatuation or physical attraction? I don’t want you to feel hurt later, and although it may sound harsh, but I don’t have any similar feelings for you. Even if we ignore the social factor for the moment, it is not that I hate male-male bonding or same sex relationships kind of thing but it is just that I don’t feel it that way for us. I don’t want you to live with false hopes and destroy our friendship later. That’s why I thought it important to set the expectations right in this very moment. I am sorry if I happened to hurt your sentiments, but believe me that is not my intention at all. I value your friendship and like you as a friend. That’s all.“
He silently kept hearing me and then turned towards me and said. “Let me answer your questions one by one to clarify your doubts. Your first concern is that if it is an infatuation. No, it is not. Believe me, it is true and I will come to this later. First let me answer your other questions.” He took a pause and sat upright straight on his side of bed and said, “You wanted to know why I love you? Okay, let me tell you my feelings and observations that made me fall quickly in love with you. You are so generous and kind that you are still considering about me not feeling bad or feeling hurt. This is your true nature. That shows how caring and sensitive you are for others around you. You are not a self-centered person. You are polite, humble, soft-spoken, and blessed with a sweet melodious voice. These combinations add magic to your overall charming personality. Anyone would fall for you in a short time if he or she has got a chance to enjoy your company for some time. Because you make others feel secured, content and find the support in you, which everyone expects from his partner.“
He continue further, “Your second concern was that you don’t have any feelings for me”. I interrupted, “I did not say that.“
“Sorry! my fault”, he continued, “I mean to say that you don’t have similar feelings of love for me, right?“, I nodded in agreement.
He said further, “It’s okay for me. I know you cannot make anyone love you forcefully. I would have been the most lucky person in this world if you had even a fraction of similar love for me, but it does not make me unhappy. I feel still one of the luckiest people who have got a chance to enjoy your company. I am even at advantage of sharing more time in a same room with you. Giving me some more private moments with you that others cannot think of. I made it very clear in the very beginning that it is my feelings for you and I do not expect anything in return from you. You have no obligations, or responsibilities for me. I know what I am doing and who I am loving to. I don’t have any kind of expectations set for you. I am happy with my love for you. I am helpless in loving you so much that I cannot control it. I know you have your own life, your own preferences, and that’s perfectly fine with me. I respect your choices, your privacy and your sexuality. Do you think, I did not try to keep myself away from you? I did the best I could to not to love you. But it was destined otherwise how come we share the same room? Even if I would not have told you all this, that would not have stopped me from loving you. I love you and would keep loving you forever. The only thing is now I am not feeling guilty of hiding from you that I love you.“
He looked straight in my eyes and said, “Now coming to physical attraction or infatuation part, yes, it involves a physical attraction factor, but that is not the sole reason of loving you. It is not infatuation. Do you remember the first day when you joined me in this room, what was you wearing? What were you wearing the next day, and on next to next day? But I remember it all, and can tell you the colors of your clothes including your underwear you wore in those days. Do you know your face starts glowing when you talk to your parents? Let me tell you something more about you, you don’t like the meals with garlic flavor, or that are too spicy. You have a sweet tooth and prefer sweets over salty or spicy and that’s too with mild sweetness. You prefer to use your first three fingers and keep last one separate when you tend to eat Roti (an Indian bread, round shaped made up of Wheat flour). You don’t like to feed upon food remnants or bites nibbled by others. I just noticed it today when I offered you cake. You prefer to listen others and talk less, and do not tend to impose your opinion on others forcefully. You are sensitive, caring, soft-spoken and very good at heart.“
He continued with a pause, “I hope, this answers your question that I barely know anything about you. If you think, there is something more I should be knowing about you, you can share it with me, I won’t mind. Although it does not matter to me“, He chuckled.
And then he said, “Do you think these small details are mere a result of physical attraction? I have been following every small and minute details of you, your actions, your preferences, your likes, your dislikes since very beginning. These observations are not because of any ill intentions for you rather, I could not take my attention away from you any time, right from the very first moment. Initially, it could be your charming and dashing personality that had drawn my attention, but with time, love overtook the physical attraction. I admire and love your physical appearance, your smooth body makes me feel hot and horny, but it is my love and pure love for you that makes me value your preferences, your likes and dislikes, before mine all the time. I want to see you happy and that makes me happy.“
And then he concluded, in an ordering tone, as usually is shown in Hollywood movies when Police captures the criminals, “You have the right to remain silent or not to love me in return. But you have no right to refrain me from my love either. Now, you sleep tight, without any worries, I won’t be causing any troubles for you ever.“, and then leaned over me and gently kissed me on my forehead, and said, “Don’t think too hard. Good night.“
That made me feel relaxed and light and I closed my eyes to catch some sleep.
But there were many thoughts coming in my mind…Am I really being honest to myself? If I am straight? Yes, I have always fantasized about girls and boobs while masturbating, and never about men, but then what was that which attracted me to his body when he came out of bathroom after taking shower today? Why the hell was I willing to catch more glimpses of his body ? Why was I staring at him like a hungry dog and why was I feeling pleasure, a kind of attraction in watching his body? Am I deceiving myself? Or, was it just a admiration of beauty and perfect male body?
I still have no clues… and unable to find any answers. The benefits and power of writing a diary or blog is that you get enough time to talk to yourself, honestly. And you get enough time to analyze the things with a clear perspective, unbiased. But here, I am clueless what is going on with me… is it normal.. or is it a transition phase ? I don’t want to loose him as a friend either. I like being in his company, his care for me, etc. I like him but I cannot imagine him (or any guy for that matter) as a sex partner. I even thought of changing my room and shifting to some other location, but I dare not doing that because I might miss him a lot.
My dear friends, who are reading this story,… can you help me in this matter? Please share your experiences or shed some light on what possibly is going on with me, and before it is too late to get hold of the situation, advice me what should I do to control the deteriorating situation.