India is a legendary country. There have been great advancements in recent years in almost all the area that leads a fast developing nation towards achieving a “developed nation” status.Still, you can find that we are same old Indians somewhere within ourselves. That’s good. At least we have not lost all our originality and our values yet.
Probably because of this “Indian mindset”, we feel uncomfortable in discussing our private and personal issues openly. Not even with our closest friends and family. And sometimes when we finally decide on taking a right step that could help us in finding a solution to the problem, it might be too late of a decision.
By now you would have figured out a hint that I am talking about Sex and sex related issues in couple’s life. Yes, the same sex thing that is still treated as a “taboo” by a majority of the Indian population to discuss frankly. At times, when there is a need for proper consultation, people tend to hide their faces behind other excuses such as “work”, “career” etc. and choose the way it is going on that finally kills their family and social life.
Recently a friend of mine collected all his courage to confide in me his family issues. He got married two years back. A well groomed handsome person, well settled in his career, jolly and witty natured and charm of the group in his friends circle; that is how everyone knew Ronit (not his actual name) before marriage.
As it is said, “Rab ne bana di jodi”, he found his love of life in one of the pretty girls in his office. The perfect pair, complementing each-other to completeness. He got busy in his life after marriage and his contacts with old friends slowly started fading. He was still in touch with his friends but it is quite normal to find a distance in your old friendly relationship when you find a real friend, your life partner.
October 3rd, I was on my company tour to Mumbai and enjoying my coffee at Cafe-coffee day when someone tapped on my shoulder. I was surprised to see Ronit here. It was almost 2 years since we had seen each other in person. Last time I recall was his marriage reception party. There was always a good understanding between us since our school days, among all other friends in our friends-circle. Naturally, it was a very pleasant moment for both of us. We decided to meet again in the evening to refresh our memories, after a small chit-chat and know-how of each other. He hugged me and left for his office.
Evening 8 O’ Clock we met in a pub. Our conversation started with refreshing our old memories, our friends circle, moved towards job and finally it was turn for something personal, the family life. Every thing was super fine and we were assured that both are happy in our respective lives. But after a while Ronit exploded. My image of his happy married life was washed away with his confessions. Being a counselor, I understand how difficult it is to share your feelings and come out with your actual problems in front of someone else. It is even harder when it could be a matter associated with ego, or personality. It requires a great deal of patience to win the confidence level before you can dig down to root cause of the problem. On the contrary, it is a bit easier if you already have a good faith and understanding between the two, but again past relationships/friendship is a natural hindrance to allow someone to be open up to very personal levels, to speak-up for oneself.
I have been trained to listen carefully, instead of being judgmental. I have been trained to not start analyzing anything unless it really requires analysis. So, I was just listening to my friend Ronit. I guess, knowing my professional skills might have prompted him to share his issues with me. A counselor does not give you a solution. He always helps you find a solution. Solution is always with you and with-in your reach. So, I was just trying to understand new Ronit and his issues.
The issues I found were pretty common but deadly dangerous. It was related to sex-bonding between the couple. Let me put down a list of concerns I heard from him, and a few other points that I collected for my analysis:
- Initially they both were very happy after marriage. But slowly they felt getting drifted-away.
- On Ronit’s part: Sex is no more an enjoyment between them. Rather he is becoming afraid of failures in having sex with his wife day by day.
- Frequency of sex is steadily decreasing after marriage. Initially voluntarily, and then due to hypothetical fear and un-excitement.
- They both love each other. But the frequency of clashes increased in past few months as compared to initial period.
In his opinion :
- He suspects about his sexual stamina and abilities now.
- He might have developed impotency. He also has early or pre-mature ejaculation.
- He is not able to satisfy his wife sexually so she is less interested in her.
- He becomes nervous at the time of sex.
- The pressure for not having a baby even after two years of marriage is killing him inside.
- He is losing interest in his wife and sex appeal is disappearing.
- He is afraid that because of his early childhood masturbation practice might have impacted on his sexual abilities.
It was necessary for me to understand the actual issues after meeting her spouse but I was not surprised to hear that he has not shared these feelings with anyone else yet. He had not even discussed these with his wife as well. Somehow he could just confide in me. Now even I am wondering what might have prompted him to take such a bold decision to discuss it with me.. obviously our old friendship … a mutual trust might have laid down the foundation for it.
Keeping up to his expectations and privacy concerns, I decided to go on hit and trial method, without meeting her spouse for further analysis and inquiries. I got into details of his day to day life activities, some very personal matters and concluded that “Medically un-fit” or impotency should be the last thing to be considered. I had reasons for this. But he was true at his end, no rock-hard erection or loosing erection very fast, pre-mature ejaculation all are pointing to the symptoms of impotency.
Internet is an open encyclopedia, and thanks to internet, every Indian and every other child in the world gets educated on these topics before their actual age to understand these. Do hell with these half-filtered knowledge base. This internet is the major cause of giving rise to such problems. The terms he used “pre-mature ejaculation, impotency have a very different definitions medically than those interpreted in most of the websites”.
To establish a relationship, you first need to build a trust between you and your partner. Having extravagant, non-realistic or fictional demands from each other are not going to take you anywhere. So, first thing first, be practical. Come out of your childhood dream-guy or dream-girl image for your spouse. Learn to un-learn whatever prejudices you may have. Trust in your partner, and be vocal. Let him/her know that you love him/her, and care for him/her.
The main point here is that words coming out of mouth are not that much effective as is the case when you are emotionally involved with what you say. Tell your partner all the beautiful and positive things that you see in him. Never mind if he has tonnes of negative things. You have plenty of years …your whole life to change his negativity into positivity.
Don’t waste your precious time in pushing your partner to change. Give him some space, and some time. The most successful and stable relationships are those where weakness of one partner is complimented by strength of other. Thus for a successful relationship, weakness is a must. There will be weakness.. and it will remain there, no doubt. If there were no weaknesses in your partner…why in the world will s/he seek your support then?
Analyze yourself, identify your strengths and weaknesses so that you both compliment mutual needs. The most fearful problem of the world is “I am perfect.. you are wrong !” or “I can’t be wrong…you are wrong.” Stop it. Be brave and be honest to yourself. Yes, you might be wrong too. At least … sometimes. Try to understand the story from other perspectives before jumping to any conclusion. Come out of your own confined body.. fly in the air and see the whole picture from a bigger perspective. Be an observer, not a party.
And first and foremost… don’t make assumptions, Stupid !
You are such a big fool, wasting your time, money, life and every other beautiful thing in world.. and spoiling your own good just by presuming the things with your stupid little mind. Give me a break ! How the hell do you think everyone live? They don’t live with your mind.. nor do they have your thought-process, values, experiences, etc. Don’t presume … don’t assume for others. Be clean chit … just do it.. Go to your “honey” without making any prejudices, without any assumption what s/he will think of it, and express yourself.
A word of caution.. express yourself .. doesn’t mean blabbering ! Speak because you need to.. not because you can. Think before you speak, and speak not to hurt anyone (that includes you).